Obama Press Conference
With all the guests that Obama was bringing on to tell their stories, I thought this was going to be one of those every-cast-member-appears sketches, what with the huge cast and all. But it ended up only covering about 60%. There seemed to be a fair amount of applause for Beck Bennett – did people recognize him from the AT&T commercials? Or was that just premature applause for Aaron Paul? I had heard speculation that the cold opening would cover Ted Cruz, or maybe Breaking Bad – what do you know, they were both right! Cecily’s appearance here was the first of several times this episode I was upset we’ll never see her again as a guest on the Update desk, with the complaint of a broken iPhone 5S a rather Girl at a Party-esque problem. B-
Tina Fey’s Monologue
I like a well-crafted pun, delivered with conviction (or a terrible pun delivered with conviction), so Tina’s fake recurring characters were a quick delight. And I also like deconstruction, so Tina explaining that new cast members have to pay their dues as backup dancers to the host was better than just another plain old song and dance monologue. And those outfits made it clear that we are living in a post-Magic Mike world. B+
My brother’s not a fan of all these inspirational female pop songs.
Original Version
1. Katy Perry – “Roar”
2. Capital Cities – “Safe and Sound”
3. Lana Del Rey vs. Cedric Gervais – “Summertime Sadness (Remix)”
4. Taylor Swift ft. Ed Sheeran – “Everything Has Changed”
5. Lady GaGa – “Applause”
6. Zedd ft. Foxes – “Clarity”
7. Passenger – “Let Her Go”
8. Calvin Harris ft. Ellie Goulding – “I Need Your Love”
9. Lorde – “Royals”
10. Avicii ft. Aloe Blacc – “Wake Me Up”
11. OneRepublic – “Counting Stars”
12. Macklemore and Ryan Lewis ft. Mary Lambert – “Same Love”
13. Paramore – “Still Into You”
14. Miley Cyrus – “We Can’t Stop”
15. Bruno Mars – “Treasure”
16. P!nk ft. Lily Allen – “True Love”
17. Gavin DeGraw – “Best I Ever Had”
18. Robin Thicke ft. 2 Chainz and Kendrick Lamar – “Give It 2 U”
19. Maroon 5 – “Love Somebody”
20. Emeli Sandé – “My Kind of Love”
Jmunney’s Revision
1. Clarity
2. We Can’t Stop
3. Wake Me Up
4. Royals
5. Give It 2 U
6. I Need Your Love
7. Summertime Sadness (Remix)
8. Same Love
9. Roar
10. Applause
11. Safe and Sound
12. Still Into You
13. Let Her Go
14. Treasure
15. My Kind of Love
16. Love Somebody
17. True Love
18. Counting Stars
19. Best I Ever Had
20. Everything Has Changed
Saturday Night Live premieres its 39th season tonight, and once again, I have made my predictions for who the host and musical guests will be this year. I am following the rules of the SNL message board I frequent, which means 30 picks in each category, and the predictions were due after the guests for the first three shows had already been announced. In past years, I had organized my host picks into categories (TV stars, movie stars with a movie coming out soon), and I still did that when making my selections this year, but ultimately I just don’t know. This year’s guests could be everybody or nobody. Here’s my guesses, in alphabetical order.
Hosts
Alison Brie
Ty Burrell
Stephen Colbert
Bryan Cranston
Benedict Cumberbatch Miley Cyrus – already announced
Claire Danes
Lena Dunham
Chris Evans
Michael Fassbender
Will Ferrell Tina Fey – already announced
Zach Galifianakis
Andrew Garfield
Jon Hamm
Tom Hanks
Chris Hemsworth
Josh Hutcherson
Hugh Jackman
Tatiana Maslany
Matthew McConaughey
Joel McHale
Chloë Grace Moretz
Amy Poehler
RuPaul
Andy Samberg
Kerry Washington
Shaun White Bruce Willis – already announced
Shailene Woodley
Musical Guests Arcade Fire – already announced
Avicii
Beyoncé
Capital Cities
Chvrches Miley Cyrus – already announced
Drake
Eminem
Garbage
The Gaslight Anthem
Grouplove
Icona Pop
Imagine Dragons
Kings of Leon
Lady GaGa
Lorde
MGMT
Janelle Monáe
Nas
The 1975 Katy Perry – already announced
P!nk
Queens of the Stone Age
Rihanna
Rick Ross
St. Vincent
Taylor Swift
Robin Thicke
2 Chainz
The Weeknd
It’s about time Rick Rubin appeared in front of the camera, and it’s also about time more people became aware of the inimitable “Sail.”
Original Version
1. Miley Cyrus – “Wrecking Ball”
2. Katy Perry – “Roar”
3. Lorde – “Royals”
4. Avicii – “Wake Me Up”
5. Lady GaGa – “Applause”
6. Eminem – “Berzerk”
7. Robin Thicke ft. T.I. and Pharrell – “Blurred Lines”
8. Capital Cities – “Safe and Sound”
9. Lana Del Rey vs. Cedric Gervais – “Summertime Sadness (Remix)”
10. Imagine Dragons – “Radioactive”
11. Macklemore and Ryan Lewis ft. Mary Lambert – “Same Love”
12. One Direction – “Best Song Ever”
13. Miley Cyrus – “We Can’t Stop”
14. Paramore – “Still Into You”
15. OneRepublic – “Counting Stars”
16. Phillip Phillips – “Gone Gone Gone”
17. AWOLNATION – “Sail”
18. Zedd ft. Foxes – “Clarity”
19. Big Sean ft. Lil’ Wayne and Jhené Aiko – “Beware”
20. Robin Thicke ft. 2 Chainz and Kendrick Lamar – “Give It 2 U”
Jmunney’s Revision
1. Clarity
2. We Can’t Stop
3. Sail
4. Wake Me Up
5. Radioactive
6. Royals
7. Berzerk
8. Give It 2 U
9. Blurred Lines
10. Wrecking Ball
11. Summertime Sadness (Remix)
12. Same Love
13. Roar
14. Applause
15. Safe and Sound
16. Still Into You
17. Beware
18. Counting Stars
19. Best Song Ever
20. Gone Gone Gone
It’s the 1st Annual Jeff Malone Emmy Awards! I watched a lot of television in the 2012-2013 season. Here’s who I thought was WINNING. Nominees and winners are listed after the video – winners are in bold. (Since there are a lot of good shows I don’t watch, you’ll notice there are some nominees listed under the heading “Reputation,” i.e., shows and performances I don’t watch but that I hear are good.)
Comedy Series TIE: Arrested Development TIE: Bob’s Burgers
Community
Don’t Trust the B—- in Apt. 23
Louie
The Middle
New Girl
30 Rock
REPUTATION
Enlightened
Lead Actor in a Comedy
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
Jason Bateman, Arrested Development
Louis C.K., Louie
Neil Flynn, The Middle Joel McHale, Community
Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory
Lead Actress in a Comedy
Zooey Deschanel, New Girl
Lena Dunham, Girls
Tina Fey, 30 Rock Jane Levy, Suburgatory
Krysten Ritter, Don’t Trust the B—- in Apt. 23
Dreama Walker, Don’t Trust the B—- in Apt. 23
REPUTATION
Laura Dern, Enlightened
Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep
Supporting Actor in a Comedy
Will Arnett, Arrested Development
Ike Barinholtz, The Mindy Project
Michael Cera, Arrested Development
David Cross, Arrested Development
Ray Ford, Don’t Trust the B—- in Apt. 23
Bill Hader, Saturday Night Live
Jake Johnson, New Girl
Alex Karpovsky, Girls
Ian Patrick, The Neighbors Danny Pudi, Community
Simon Templeman, The Neighbors
Supporting Actress in a Comedy
Alison Brie, Community
Carly Chaikin, Suburgatory
Eliza Coupe, Happy Endings
Elisha Cuthbert, Happy Endings
Zosia Mamet, Girls Toks Olagundoye, The Neighbors
Aubrey Plaza, Parks and Recreation
Lucy Punch, Ben and Kate
Alia Shawkat, Arrested Development
Eden Sher, The Middle
Cecily Strong, Saturday Night Live
Guest Actor in a Comedy
F. Murray Abraham, Louie
Zach Galifianakis, Saturday Night Live
Bill Hader, Portlandia
David Koechner, The Middle David Lynch, Louie
Bob Odenkirk, The Office
John Slattery, Arrested Development
Fred Willard, Community
Patrick Wilson, Girls
Guest Actress in a Comedy
Isla Fisher, Arrested Development Brie Larson, Community
Melissa McCarthy, Saturday Night Live
Parker Posey, Louie
Chloë Sevigny, Louie
Jenny Slate, Parks and Recreation
Kristen Wiig, Arrested Development
REPUTATION
Molly Shannon, Enlightened
Drama Series
The Americans
Justified
Mad Men Orphan Black
Parenthood
REPUTATION
Breaking Bad
Game of Thrones
Hannibal
Rectify (half reputation, half I watched it)
Lead Actor in a Drama
Walton Goggins, Justified Jon Hamm, Mad Men
Joshua Jackson, Fringe
Timothy Olyphant, Justified
Matthew Rhys, The Americans
REPUTATION
Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad
Hugh Dancy, Hannibal
Freddie Highmore, Bates Motel
Damian Lewis, Homeland Kevin Spacey, House of Cards
Lead Actress in a Drama Tatiana Maslany, Orphan Black
Elisabeth Moss, Mad Men
Keri Russell, The Americans
REPUTATION
Claire Danes, Homeland
Vera Farmiga, Bates Motel
Kerry Washington, Scandal
Supporting Actor in a Drama
Max Burkholder, Parenthood
Noah Emmerich, The Americans
Jordan Gavaris, Orphan Black Vincent Kartheiser, Mad Men
John Noble, Fringe
Mike O’Malley, Justified
Kevin Rahm, Mad Men
REPUTATION
Jonathan Banks, Breaking Bad
Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, Game of Thrones
Michael Cudlitz, Southland
Peter Dinklage, Game of Thrones
Mads Mikkelsen, Hannibal
Mandy Patinkin, Homeland
Aaron Paul, Breaking Bad
Corey Stoll, House of Cards
Supporting Actress in a Drama
Adelaide Clemens, Rectify
Annet Mahendru, The Americans
Monica Potter, Parenthood
Emily Bett Rickards, Arrow
Kiernan Shipka, Mad Men
Abigail Spencer, Rectify Mae Whitman, Parenthood
REPUTATION
Emilia Clarke, Game of Thrones
Anna Gunn, Breaking Bad
Guest Actor in a Drama
Jere Burns, Justified
Harry Hamlin, Mad Men
Ryan Lauria, Parenthood Patton Oswalt, Justified
REPUTATION
Eddie Izzard, Hannibal
Guest Actress in a Drama Channing Chase, Mad Men
Linda Cardellini, Mad Men
Margo Martindale, The Americans
Original Music and Lyrics
“Electric Love,” Bob’s Burgers “The Mad Pooper,” Bob’s Burgers
“Rural Juror,” 30 Rock “The Thanksgiving Song,” Bob’s Burgers
“That’s an Adventure (Hot Air Balloon),” Community
Alex Trebek is starting to lose it, and as a public service, I will be posting all the evidence of his insanity.
1. Channing Tatum takes vodka, cranberry juice, 400 gallons of blood, & a lime wedge; add this fart fruit juice to make it a Seabreeze
2. Steve Carell is a modern day Hitler romantically linked to this kiddie tractor pull. Lovely my dear yet oh so deadly
3. Hey Mr., it’s a small circular breed of dog that stores bile in a Roman Catholic Church
4. This alcoholic beverage is made from the bloodiest Hanukkah oil, but you had to spit with the wind atop a frozen wonder girl
5. Despite a broken leg, Tobey Maguire nailed this Romanian girl with the over 300 year old reticulated slitherer
6. It’s annoying when you _____ this female author’s _____; but helpful when _____ of the _____machines use _____ to make slime… go ahead, make my day
7. This ugly guy, Will Smith (not the black one) can sometimes track down one of these Irish fairies, in this type of marriage
8. J. Lo is slang for someone who communicates by extrasensory means with other Japanese yeast exports
9. Henry Kissinger is also known as this toothy-grinned fruit; searching for this fabled city of horse tornados
10. Adam Levine’s murder of his pregnant, marsh-dwelling girlfriend helps drains this hot ‘n juicy lizard
11. The Portuguese call it goo—goooooooooal a hairstyle using live hedgehogs to reduce the risk of birth defects of the brain and spinal fungus
12. Bjork’s cluelessness about people with diabetes forced this Islamic jihadist rodent to crush her to death with cheese… & had to apologize
13. This body part that sometimes stings when you yank it off, is named it for its odor… and eat it she does
14. Bill Murray & Matt Damon reproduce asexually by means of this body part, with a longer shaft to stabilize your fish hook
15. Lady GaGa’s hogchoker cuts off the ear of a man named Orange Juice, while her arms reach down to grasp the Thunderball
16. Steven Tyler is said to frequent the children’s dungeon, using an orangutan named Zubeneljenubi to disinfect Communist mattresses
17. Ding dong! Shakespeare’s unicorn gets house visits from a naked baby splayed on the hood of a Ferrari calling for brotherhood between Christians & Hitler
18. Israel’s first openly-gay golden retriever named Batman, can swim 45 MPH like a drunk Czech immigrant
19. Oh, noooo…! Canned pineapple chunks can be found in the middle part of Madonna’s underwear because she carried this deadly disease
20. In Catholicism, Jesus is a receptacle for holding pig’s feet for a muscular, tan, bald guy whose names means liquefied meat
21. Oddly, 3 inches wide & 18 inches long, Wolf Blitzer’s banana dancer sparks bushfires that ravage millions of spooky women
22. Horses wear panties for the hearing impaired to communicate with those who don’t understand musical chicken farmers like 50 Cent or Eminem
23. Yum! Starbucks adds shoe polish, blood & phlegm to make insect-infested cupcakes called “Pig Stomach” because it’s environmentally friendly
24. Tom Hanks recently used cocaine to get the shampoo out of the severed head of this newborn child. Oh my God I’m totally wired
25. Joy to the world! Kangaroos & gorillas of German-Jewish descent, snowmobile across pickled sushi for 36 hours to get to this Champagne & dirt island
26. David Hasselhoff traded his half of this German sausage for a band of pear-shaped, alcoholic women, which is weird, because he’s one himself
27. Bum roll! Mel Gibson gets slightly wet, while working on Gary Busey’s tush. “Ugh!” “Down the rabbit-hole…” “Plop plop”
28. Puff Daddy, Puffy, P. Diddy, Shiddy… whatever. He was born with a lumpy body covered with warts
29. Ben Franklin used a genetically altered, gluten-free virgin to prove that sexism weighs as much as a duck
30. Yay! A body-covering garment having a veiled opening for the uterus is worn by Muslim dykes to play Batman on the big screen. Hope you kids enjoy that
31. In an interview with Oprah, Nicolas Cage claimed to have the heart of a mythical warrior; extracting eagle tears to cure writer’s cramp in monkeys & parrots
32. Oh myyy! Miley Cyrus blew 240,000 marsupials by using a vacuum pump in a trailer park, perhaps contributing to her violent hatred of muskrats & mankind
33. If you accidentally super glued your thighs, try rubbing with leftover meat to make Brazilian sandwiches… Uhg! I’ll take a ham sandwich
34. Hold the cheese & pepperoni! George W. Bush milked the Backstreet Boys at his bar mitzvah. It’s a sexy Hebrew hello
35. Hang on tight, Bill O’Reilly extracts fluids from the cobra. Ugh! Just spit it out! Bum badum bum bumbumbum
36. Jesus has a fragrance line called orgiastic chicken wings, which consists of milk, bleach, lemon juice & garlic
37. If you’re pulled over, one thing the officer will ask for is sex with the son of a German wizard because he’d kind of like to know who owns the sac that reduces bone friction
If you need to consult me on television matters, then take a look at this handy guide to the shows that I plan on watching regularly this season. New shows (and NTSF:SD:SUV::) are in ALL CAPS, shows that I will sample but might not stick with are in (parentheses), and shows that I watched last season but I’m not sure I want to continue watching are *asterisked.* New shows may be added if they prove deserving.
SUNDAY The Simpsons Bob’s Burger’s The Walking Dead Family Guy American Dad! MASTERS OF SEX HELLO LADIES
MONDAY-THURSDAY Conan
MONDAY-FRIDAY Jeopardy!
MONDAY How I Met Your Mother ALMOST HUMAN THE BLACKLIST
TUESDAY MARVEL’S AGENTS OF S.H.I.E.L.D. (THE ORIGINALS) BROOKLYN NINE-NINE New Girl *The Mindy Project* (TROPHY WIFE) Awkward.
WEDNESDAY Arrow The Middle Modern Family (SUPER FUN NIGHT) American Horror Story: Coven Key & Peele It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia The League The Chris Gethard Show
THURSDAY The Vampire Diaries Parks and Recreation The Big Bang Theory *Glee* (THE MICHAEL J. FOX SHOW) Parenthood Childrens’ Hospital NTSF:SD:SUV::
FRIDAY Raising Hope The Neighbors Comedy Bang! Bang!
SATURDAY VH1 Top 20 Countdown Axe Cop High School USA! Saturday Night Live
Original Version
1. Capital Cities – “Safe and Sound”
2. Zedd ft. Foxes – “Clarity”
3 Calvin Harris ft. Ellie Goulding – “I Need Your Love”
4. Lana Del Rey vs. Cedric Gervais – “Summertime Sadness (Remix)”
5. Taylor Swift ft. Ed Sheeran – “Everything Has Changed”
6. Katy Perry – “Roar”
7. Macklemore and Ryan Lewis ft. Mary Lambert – “Same Love”
8. Lady GaGa – “Applause”
9. Passenger – “Let Her Go”
10. Miley Cyrus – “We Can’t Stop”
11. Bruno Mars – “Treasure”
12. Lorde – “Royals”
13. Maroon 5 – “Love Somebody”
14. OneRepublic – “Counting Stars”
15. Avicii ft. Aloe Blacc – “Wake Me Up”
16. Anna Kendrick – “Cups”
17. Justin Timberlake – “Take Back the Night”
18. Paramore – “Still Into You”
19. P!nk ft. Lily Allen – “True Love”
20. Gavin DeGraw – “Best I Ever Had”
Jmunney’s Revision
1. Clarity
2. We Can’t Stop
3. Wake Me Up
4. Royals
5. I Need Your Love
6. Summertime Sadness (Remix)
7. Same Love
8. Roar
9. Applause
10. Safe and Sound
11. Take Back the Night
12. Still Into You
13. Let Her Go
14. Cups
15. Treasure
16. Love Somebody
17. True Love
18. Counting Stars
19. Best I Ever Had
20. Everything Has Changed
Let’s see if they can put last year’s spectacle to shame:
EAST
Coznesster Smiff, Rutgers University
Elipses Corter, University of Alabama
Nyquillus Dillwad, LSU
Bismo Funyuns, Florida State University
DeCatholac Mango, Georgia Tech University
Mergatroid Skittle, University of Louisville
Quiznatodd Bidness, University of Tennessee
D’Pez Poopsie, Ole Miss
Quackadilly Blip, Auburn University
Goolius Boozler, The U
Bisquiteen Trisket, University of Michigan
Fartrell Cluggins, University of Arkansas
Blyrone Blashinton, Syracuse
Cartoons Plural, Virginia Tech
Jammie Jammie-Jammie, The Ohio State University
Fudge
WEST
Equine Ducklings, Indiana University Purdue University Indianapolis
DaHistorious LaMystorius, Utah State University
Ewokoniad Sigourneth Juniorstein, Oklahoma State University
Eqqsquizitine Buble-Schwinslow, University of Nebraska
Huka’Lakanaka Hakanakaheekalucka’Hukahakafaka, University of Hawaii
King Prince Chambermaid, Baylor University
LaDennifer JaDaniston, University of Colorado
Ladadadaladadadadada Dala-Dadaladaladalada, University of Arizona
Harvard University, Devry University
— — .-. … . / -.-. — -.. ., Army Navy Surplus Store
Wing Dings*, Online Classes
Firstname Lastname, College University
God, Homeschool
Squeeeeeeeeeeps, Santa Monica College
Benedict Cumberbatch, Oxford University
A.A. Ron Balakay, Morehouse College
*-If anyone knows how to use Wingdings on WordPress, let me know!
I know someone named “Roar(e),” but he spells it with an “e.”
Original Version
1. Katy Perry – “Roar”
2. Avicii – “Wake Me Up”
3. Lorde – “Royals”
4. Lady GaGa – “Applause”
5. Robin Thicke ft. T.I. and Pharrell – “Blurred Lines”
6. Miley Cyrus – “We Can’t Stop”
7. One Direction – “Best Song Ever”
8. Imagine Dragons – “Radioactive”
9. Capital Cities – “Safe and Sound”
10. Macklemore and Ryan Lewis ft. Mary Lambert – “Same Love”
11. Lana Del Rey vs. Cedric Gervais – “Summertime Sadness (Remix)”
12. Anna Kendrick – “Cups”
13. OneRepublic – “Counting Stars”
14. Zedd ft. Foxes – “Clarity”
15. Paramore – “Still Into You”
16. Bruno Mars – “Treasure”
17. Big Sean ft. Lil’ Wayne and Jhené Aiko – “Beware”
18. Phillip Phillips – “Gone Gone Gone”
19. Maroon 5 – “Love Somebody”
20. Justin Timberlake – “Take Back the Night”
Jmunney’s Revision
1. Clarity
2. We Can’t Stop
3. Wake Me Up
4. Radioactive
5. Royals
6. Blurred Lines
7. Summertime Sadness (Remix)
8. Same Love
9. Roar
10. Applause
11. Safe and Sound
12. Take Back the Night
13. Still Into You
14. Cups
15. Treasure
16. Love Somebody
17. Beware
18. Counting Stars
19. Best Song Ever
20. Gone Gone Gone
Jmunney's Blog 