This Is a Movie Review: ‘Baywatch’ is Gratuitous, Shameless, and in Search of a Purpose

May 25, 2017

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CREDIT: Frank Masi/Paramount Pictures

This review was originally posted on News Cult in May 2017.

Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Zac Efron, Alexandra Daddario, Priyanka Chopra, Kelly Rohrbach, Jon Bass, Ilfenesh Hadera, Rob Huebel, Yahya Abdul-Mateen II

Director: Seth Gordon

Running Time: 119 Minutes

Rating: R for An Obsession with All Body Parts

Release Date: May 25, 2017

Baywatch follows the 21 Jump Street template: take a TV show from a couple decades ago that people remember but nobody is especially attached to, then blow it out to something bigger, brasher, and maybe a little meta. It may not be the most ambitious formula, but Jump Street proved that it could result in a clever commentary on the nature of reboots. Baywatch is less interested in that, or any pretensions. Instead, it mostly wants to just hang out and do its own thing. Which is fine! The film makes a go at capturing the cheeky spirit of the original on a larger, less discreet scale – it might leave you feeling a little naughty, but everyone is indulging. Alas, it ultimately descends into just the latest gross-out comedy crossed with a derivative action spectacular.

The most representative shot of Baywatch of Kelly Rohrbach’s jiggling butt while she administers the Heimlich maneuver. Rohrbach is C.J., the bubbly blond bombshell filling in for Pamela Anderson, and the choking victim is Ronnie (Jon Bass), the chubby trainee who is inexplicably recruited to the lifeguard crew. This odd couple obviously ends up together, even though Ronnie is sure C.J. is out of his league, but she knows what she wants and she does not even need to the dance moves that Ronnie learned at Hebrew school to be won over. The schlubby guy/hot girl pairing might be cliché, but the specific details in this case are actually kind of encouraging. There is something inspiring about how the guy who gets his privates stuck between the slats of a beach chair is more Casanova than laughingstock. Everyone loves Ronnie!

In fact, the great charm about Baywatch is how well everyone on the team gets along. The other major romance, between trainees Brody (Zac Efron) and Summer (Alexandra Daddario), at first appears like it will be distressingly conflict-driven but instead evolves into a much more palatable game of playful one-upmanship. Really the only conflict of any significance is the one between head honcho Mitch (Dwayne Johnson, taking over for the Hoff) and Brody. The latter is a gold-medal winning Olympic swimmer looking to repair his image after a Ryan Lochte-esque scandal, and he is only on the team because Baywatch administration wants to boost its p.r. Naturally, Mitch must teach this lone wolf the importance of teamwork. But even here, the dynamic is sympathetic and silly, with Mitch letting the homeless Brody crash at his place and pranking him with a corpse’s genitals.

The majority of this review sounds rather complimentary, even though only about 25% of the film is worth recommending. But it is that 25% about which I have the most to say. Theoretically, Baywatch could be perfectly enjoyable if it were just a plotless hangout movie, with the lifeguards saving civilians by day and porking each other by night. Instead, there must be a standard-issue action plot about a Bond-type villainess (Priyanka Chopra) with the entire town in her pocket pulling off a drug-smuggling ring. The Baywatch crew takes it upon themselves to investigate the mysterious substances and dead bodies washing up on their shores, but since they are not law enforcement, they have no authority to do so, which the actual police keeps reminding them about

Indeed, they are not law enforcement. Nor are they superheroes, which this film so desperately wants them to be. They are mortal human beings who may be highly skilled at what they do, but there is no compelling reason to believe that they can be ominously superhuman saviors. It takes the absurd stake-raising of multiple sequels to get to that point. Viewers for this style of popcorn fare are like that metaphorical frog sitting in gradually boiling water. If the stakes go up bit by bit, we do not realize until after the fact that we have forever departed any semblance of reality. But if they are jacked up to 11 right from the start, we rightfully scoff.

Baywatch is Recommended If You Like: Tight Bodies and Explosions

Grade: 2 out of 5 Slo-Mo Bouncing Breasts

Billboard Hot Rock Songs – Week of June 3, 2017

May 23, 2017

jmunney Billboard Charts, Billboard Hot Rock Songs, Music , , , Leave a comment

Each week, I check out the Billboard Hot Rock Songs chart, and then I rearrange the top 25 based on my estimation of their quality. I used to rank all 25, now I just rank the cream of the crop.

Original Version
1. Imagine Dragons – “Believer”
2. Linkin Park ft. Kiiara – “Heavy”
3. twenty one pilots – “Heathens”
4. Rag’n’Bone Man – “Human”
5. Imagine Dragons – “Whatever It Takes”
6. Imagine Dragons – “Thunder”
7. Soundgarden – “Black Hole Sun”
8. Lord Huron – “The Night We Met”
9. Paramore – “Hard Times”
10. Audioslave – “Like a Stone”
11. The Revivalists – “Wish I Knew You”
12. Portugal. The Man – “Feel It Still”
13. Fleetwood Mac – “The Chain”
14. Electric Light Orchestra – “Mr. Blue Sky”
15. HAIM – “Want You Back”
16. Soundgarden – “Fell on Black Days”
17. Ocean Park Standoff – “Good News”
18. Temple of the Dog – “Hunger Strike”
19. Soundgarden – “Spoonman”
20. Paramore – “Told You So”
21. Audioslave – “Show Me How to Live”
22. Hunter Plake – “With or Without You”
23. Jesse Larson – “I Was Wrong”
24. Lana del Rey ft. The Weeknd – “Lust for Life”
25. Audioslave – “I Am the Highway”

Jmunney’s Revision
1. The Chain
2. Like a Stone
3. Human
4. Mr. Blue Sky
5. Fell on Black Days
6. Show Me How to Live
7. Black Hole Sun
8. Feel It Still
9. Come a Little Bit Closer
10. Hunger Strike
11. Want You Back
12. Hard Times
13. Lust for Life
14. Spoonman
15. Told You So

Billboard Hot 20 – Week of June 3, 2017

May 23, 2017

jmunney Billboard Charts, Billboard Hot 100, Music , , , , Leave a comment

Each week, I check out the Billboard Hot 100, and then I rearrange the top 20 based on my estimation of their quality. I used to rank all 20, now I just rank the cream of the crop.

Original Version
1. Luis Fonsi and Daddy Yankee ft. Justin Bieber – “Despacito”
2. Bruno Mars – “That’s What I Like”
3. DJ Khaled ft. Justin Bieber, Quavo, Chance the Rapper, and Lil Wayne – “I’m the One”
4. Ed Sheeran – “Shape of You”
5. Kendrick Lamar – “Humble.”
6. The Chainsmokers and Coldplay – “Something Just Like This”
7. Future – “Mask Off”
8. Lil Uzi Vert – “XO TOUR Llif3”
9. Zedd and Alessia Cara – “Stay”
10. Miley Cyrus – “Malibu”
11. James Arthur – “Say You Won’t Let Go”
12. Kygo x Selena Gomez – “It Ain’t Me”
13. Post Malone ft. Quavo – “Congratulations”
14. Julia Michaels – “Issues”
15. KYLE ft. Lil Yachty – “iSpy”
16. Sam Hunt – “Body Like a Back Road”
17. Harry Styles – “Sign of the Times”
18. Kendrick Lamar – “DNA.”
19. Khalid – “Location”
20. Imagine Dragons – “Believer”

Jmunney’s Revision
1. Stay
2. Sign of the Times
3. Location
4. Humble.
5. DNA.

The Simpsons 28.22 Review: “Dogtown”

May 23, 2017

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“Repeal the dog – (whispered) and child labor – laws.” https://www.bubbleblabber.com/review-the-simpsons-dogtown/

Bob’s Burgers 7.21 Review: “Paraders of the Lost Float”

May 23, 2017

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“You had me at ‘pee everywhere.'” https://www.bubbleblabber.com/review-bobs-burgers-paraders-of-the-lost-float/

SNL Review May 20, 2017: Dwayne Johnson/Katy Perry

May 23, 2017

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This review was originally posted on News Cult in May 2017.

Love It
Hallelujah – Following its first post-election episode this season, SNL chose to forego comedy for melancholy in the cold opening. But now it is time to reflect (or refract) that approach through a cracked looking glass. With leaks now pouring out of every conceivable hole, it is time for Trump and his cronies to prattle on to the tune of Leonard Cohen, striking a note of face-palmingly eternal denial.

There is a certain craze that has seemingly come out of nowhere, so it makes perfect sense that a baby adult would be pacified by it, ergo the Cartier Fidget Spinner…I am categorically in favor of any sketch that features the entire cast, and if it can be managed in merely three minutes, as with the overstuffed rap video One Voice, all the better…Dawn Lazarus is one of those characters that makes such a huge impression in her first appearance that she is brought back almost instantly on her way to a meteoric rise (too bad this is Vanessa Bayer’s last episode, then)…I am not sure if I have ever officially said this, so let me be perfectly clear: Drunk Uncle is one of the best SNL characters of all time.

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What Won TV? – May 14-May 20, 2017

May 22, 2017

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In this feature, I look back at each day of the past week and determine what shows “won TV” for the night. That is, I consider every episode of television I watched that aired on a particular day and declare which was the best.

Sunday – Last Week Tonight with John Oliver
Monday – Jane the Virgin
Tuesday – Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Wednesday – Arrow is bringing it back.
Thursday – The President Show
Friday – RuPaul’s Drag Race
Saturday – In memory of a lost rock voice, the SNL Vintage vault busted out one of the best episodes of all time.

This Is a Movie Review: Stuck in a Teenage Girl’s Bedroom, ‘Everything, Everything’ Has a Teenage Heart and Soul

May 18, 2017

jmunney Cinema, Movie Reviews , , , , , , 1 Comment

This review was originally published on News Cult in May 2017.

Starring: Amandla Stenberg, Nick Robinson, Anika Noni Rose, Ana de la Reguera, Morgan Saylor

Director: Stella Meghie

Running Time: 96 Minutes

Rating: PG-13 for Artfully Shot Sickness and Tastefully Shot Teen Sensuality

Release Date: May 19, 2017

Everything, Everything is a teen romance fantasy in a vacuum. The good and bad thing about vacuums is that they keep everything out – in this case, both the distractions that can get in the way of a genuine connection but also the context and experiences that deepen that connection.

18-year-old Maddy Whittier (Amandla Stenberg) has been housebound nearly her entire life, due to her Severe combined immunodeficiency (SCID), a disorder that leaves her deathly vulnerable to all the infections of the outside world. She has managed to carve out a decently satisfying routine in her domestic prison: writing mini reviews of all the books she reads, assembling dioramas of the places she cannot visit, and having game/movie nights with her mom (phonetic Scrabble and Moonstruck are a couple of favorites). But when prototypically cute boy with a hardscrabble home life Olly (Nick Robinson) moves in next door, her desire to break free can no longer be so easily contained.

This is the type of movie in which a character 100% earnestly says, “I loved you before I knew you” (to which the response in real life should always be, “That is not how love works”). But when it comes to the outsize emotions of adolescence, such a sentiment is understandable and can often make for thrilling stories about first love. Everything, Everything wants to be that type of story, and the physical entrapment in its premise is a potent formula for a big tension release, but the trouble is, the chemistry between Stenberg and Robinson is supposed to be self-evident, but in fact it never really clicks.

The lack of passion is a shame, because the design around the lovers is striking. Their conversations are mostly through text or online messaging, but they are sometimes presented as taking place in life-size versions of Maddy’s dioramas – a lovingly designed diner or library occupied just by them, but in which they dance around each other’s orbit, never really in the same spot, representing both the effort to protect Maddy and their emotional distance. When the two are finally allowed to meet in person, their dialogue is accompanied by subtitles representing their inner thoughts (a la Annie Hall), which is insightful enough to make up for the lack of chemistry, but alas that technique lasts only that one scene.

Eventually Maddy decides that she simply must take the risk of leaving home, which ultimately leads to an alarming twist that re-contextualizes the entire film. Suddenly, Everything, Everything is filled with so much more depth than it has been letting on, but there is not enough running time left to fully grapple with all of the implications of this reveal. What at first appears to be (and in fact largely is) a shamelessly mushy love story transforms into an examination of grief and the lengths that people go to protect themselves. These are two sides of a coin that could very well complement each other, but it is hard to be satisfying when one is so much more heavily weighted than the other.

Everything, Everything is Recommended If You Like: The Space Between Us, The music of Ludwig Göransson

Grade: 2.5 out of 5 Astronauts

 

Billboard Hot Rock Songs – Week of May 27, 2017

May 16, 2017

jmunney Billboard Charts, Billboard Hot Rock Songs, Music , , , Leave a comment

Each week, I check out the Billboard Hot Rock Songs chart, and then I rearrange the top 25 based on my estimation of their quality. I used to rank all 25, now I just rank the cream of the crop.

Original Version
1. Imagine Dragons – “Believer”
2. Linkin Park ft. Kiiara – “Heavy”
3. twenty one pilots – “Heathens”
4. Rag’n’Bone Man – “Human”
5. Lord Huron – “The Night We Met”
6. Imagine Dragons – “Thunder”
7. Fleetwood Mac – “The Chain”
8. The Revivalists – “Wish I Knew You”
9. Paramore – “Hard Times”
10. Lil Wayne, Wiz Khalifa, & Imagine Dragons with Logic, Ty Dolla $ign ft. X Ambassadors – “Sucker for Pain”
11. Portugal. The Man – “Feel It Still”
12. Electric Light Orchestra – “Mr. Blue Sky”
13. HAIM – “Want You Back”
14. Imagine Dragons – “Whatever It Takes”
15. Ocean Park Standoff – “Good News”
16. Paramore – “Told You So”
17. Lana Del Rey ft. The Weeknd – “Lust for Life”
18. Sweet – “Fox on the Run”
19. Fall Out Boy – “Young and Menace”
20. Gorillaz ft. Popcaan – “Saturnz Barz”
21. George Harrison – “My Sweet Lord”
22. Jay & the Americans – “Come a Little Bit Closer”
23. Papa Roach – “Help”
24. Cat Stevens – “Father & Son”
25. Cold War Kids – “Love is Mystical”

Jmunney’s Revision
1. The Chain
2. My Sweet Lord
3. Fox on the Run
4. Human
5. Father and Son
6. Mr. Blue Sky
7. Young and Menace
8. Feel It Still
9. Saturnz Barz
10. Come a Little Bit Closer
11. Love is Mystical
12. Want You Back
13. Hard Times
14. Lust for Life
15. Told You So

Billboard Hot 20 – Week of May 27, 2017

May 16, 2017

jmunney Billboard Charts, Billboard Hot 100, Music , , , , Leave a comment

Each week, I check out the Billboard Hot 100, and then I rearrange the top 20 based on my estimation of their quality. I used to rank all 20, now I just rank the cream of the crop.

Original Version
1. Luis Fonsi and Daddy Yankee ft. Justin Bieber – “Despacito”
2. Bruno Mars – “That’s What I Like”
3. DJ Khaled ft. Justin Bieber, Quavo, Chance the Rapper, and Lil Wayne – “I’m the One”
4. Ed Sheeran – “Shape of You”
5. Kendrick Lamar – “Humble.”
6. Future – “Mask Off”
7. The Chainsmokers and Coldplay – “Something Just Like This”
8. Lil Uzi Vert – “XO TOUR Llif3”
9. Zedd and Alessia Cara – “Stay”
10. KYLE ft. Lil Yachty – “iSpy”
11. Kygo x Selena Gomez – “It Ain’t Me”
12. Post Malone ft. Quavo – “Congratulations”
13. James Arthur – “Say You Won’t Let Go”
14. Julia Michaels – “Issues”
15. Sam Hunt – “Body Like a Back Road”
16. Kendrick Lamar – “DNA.”
17. Khalid – “Location”
18. Harry Styles – “Sign of the Times”
19. Drake – “Passionfruit”
20. Imagine Dragons – “Believer”

Jmunney’s Revision
1. Stay
2. Sign of the Times
3. Location
4. Humble.
5. DNA.

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