This Is a Movie Review: The Shallows

June 24, 2016

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the-shallows

The premise for The Shallows – Blake Lively stuck on a rock while a hungry shark prowls around – sounds like a recipe for lean, no-frills horror. Alas, there are some frills, in the form of a fairly standard issue backstory. Lively plays Nancy, a med school student with some doubts about her life’s trajectory following the death of her mother, so she comes to surf at the remote Mexican beach that Mom visited while pregnant with her. These details are sort of superfluous, but they are well-deployed, explaining Nancy’s motivation and resourcefulness as she fights to survive. Plus, it gives director Jaume Collet-Serra plenty of opportunities to show off his knack for cinematizing mobile communication.

Most striking about The Shallows is the gorgeous cinematography, courtesy of Flavio Martínez Labiano. In addition to the gratuitous cheesecake shots, there are sublimely expansive vistas of the hills and shore overlooking the ocean. This beauty might feel out of place for a film whose m.o. is striking fear, but the widescreen quality is utilized smartly. Visuals that are initially life-affirming eventually serve to viscerally emphasize the isolation and long odds faced by Nancy.

For anyone worried about the implications of the MPAA’s ruling, rest assured that The Shallows is probably the goriest PG-13 movie I have ever seen. From Nancy’s improvised surgery on herself, to the fates that befall some of her would-be saviors, there are moments as intense as any of those from the most explicit creature features. The subgenre of Impossible Odds Thrillers exists to convince moviegoers they can survive life-or-death situations more than they ever thought possible. The Shallows is unrelenting in that belief.

Finally, everything you have heard about Blake Lively’s seagull co-star is true.

I give The Shallows 8 Reservoirs of Internal Strength out of 10 Expressions of Terror.

This Is a Movie Review: Now You See Me 2

June 24, 2016

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now-you-see-me-2

The first Now You See Me did not stick the landing so much as it hit the ground with a sledgehammer, by force of a twist ending that made one of its main characters much more psychotic than the film had any intention of grappling with. It was, in a word, breathtaking. Now You See Me 2 responds in kind with a similarly outrageous long con that is very much in keeping with the spirit of this series – that is to say: maddening, but weirdly satisfying if you have a high tolerance for insanity. The problem, however, is that this time there is not much to tide you over until that ending comes. Where the original had a silly but kinetic Robin Hood-style caper plot to run on, number 2 is a whole lotta lack of clarity.

I give Now You See Me 2 5 Acknowledgements of Its Sexism out of 10 Other Things It Should Have Also Been Doing.

This Is a Movie Review: Finding Dory

June 22, 2016

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finding_dory

A lot of sequels are unsuccessful due to wholly unnatural extensions of the original. Finding Dory has no such problem. Following the events of Finding Nemo, it only makes sense that the blue tang voiced by Ellen DeGeneres would want to swim across the ocean to find her parents. That predictability is definitely not a problem, but it does hold the film back from transcendence. It tightly follows an easily navigable pattern: complete this mission, move on to the next one. Not every plot development is predictable, but every resolution is. That is, except for a truly astounding ending that breaks all sense of believability. True, believability may not be the most important factor for the movies examining the Secret Life of Marine Animals, but one still expects limits. That is not a complaint, though. The entire film could have benefited from this go-for-broke mentality.

I give Finding Dory 5 out of 7 Septapus Legs.

This Is a Movie Review: Little Sister

June 22, 2016

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littlesister

Director Zach Clark’s Little Sister, which played as part of BAMcinemaFest 2016, captures the essence of childhood’s steady grip on young adulthood. In this particular case, the young adult is Colleen (Addison Timlin), a nun who gets back in touch with her teenage goth side when she returns to her parents’ home in North Carolina to visit her war hero brother, who was badly burned by an explosion in Iraq. The transformation from mistress of the night to mistress of God might sound like the kooky creation of a Hollywood screenwriter, but let me tell ya: as someone who went to a Catholic high school, I have witnessed a goth contingent among the faithful. Now, whether or not any of those girls went on to the abbey, I will have to admit my doubts. The point is, this premise is not that far a stretch from reality.

The film grapples with accepting life’s shortcomings when it does not live up to the assumptions and perceptions borne of inexperience. Grown children realize the extent of their parents’ drug use, a pending marriage is challenged by physical disfigurement, and an abbey struggles to fulfill its charity work when the mother superior’s car is unavailable longer than unexpected. Little Sister hits that sweet spot between oddness and familiarity.

I give Little Sister 2 Hugs out of 2.5 Drugs.

Billboard Hot Rock Songs – Week of July 2, 2016

June 21, 2016

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Each week, I check out the Billboard Hot Rock Songs chart, and then I rearrange that top 25 based on my estimation of their quality.

Original Version
1. twenty one pilots – “Ride”
2. twenty one pilots – “Stressed Out”
3. James Bay – “Let It Go”
4. X Ambassadors – “Unsteady”
5. Coldplay – “Hymn for the Weekend”
6. Disturbed – “The Sound of Silence”
7. The Lumineers – “Ophelia”
8. Red Hot Chili Peppers – “Dark Necessities”
9. The Strumbellas – “Spirits”
10. Ben Rector – “Brand New”
11 Fitz and the Tantrums – “HandClap”
12. blink-182 – “Bored to Death”
13. Kaleo – “Way Down We Go”
14. Empire of the Sun – “Walking on a Dream”
15. Bishop Briggs – “River”
16. Kongos – “Take It From Me”
17. The 1975 – “The Sound”
18. Beck – “Wow”
19. blink-182 – “Rabbit Hole”
20. Volbeat – “The Devil’s Beating Crown”
21. Elle King – “America’s Sweetheart”
22. Goo Goo Dolls – “So Alive”
23. Panic! at the Disco – “Death of a Bachelor”
24. Panic! at the Disco – “Don’t Threaten Me with a Good Time”
25. Cage the Elephant – “Trouble”

Jmunney’s Revision
1. Walking on a Dream
2. River
3. Take It From Me
4. Way Down We Go
5. Wow
6. Trouble
7. The Devil’s Beating Crown
8. The Sound
9. Unsteady
10. Ophelia
11. Ride
12. Dark Necessities
13. Stressed Out
14. Don’t Threaten Me with a Good Time
15. So Alive
16. Death of a Bachelor
17. The Sound of Silence
18. America’s Sweetheart
19. Spirits
20. Hymn for the Weekend
21. HandClap
22. Rabbit Hole
23. Let It Go
24. Brand New
25. Bored to Death

Billboard Hot 20 – Week of July 2, 2016

June 21, 2016

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Each week, I check out the Billboard Hot 100, and then I rearrange the top 20 based on my estimation of their quality.

Original Version
1. Drake ft. WizKid and Kyla – “One Dance”
2. Justin Timberlake – “Can’t Stop the Feeling!”
3. Desiigner – “Panda”
4. The Chainsmokers ft. Daya – “Don’t Let Me Down”
5. Fifth Harmony ft. Ty Dolla $ign – “Work From Home”
6. Calvin Harris ft. Rihanna – “This Is What You Came For”
7. Rihanna – “Needed Me”
8. Sia ft. Sean Paul – “Cheap Thrills”
9. Mike Posner – “I Took a Pill in Ibiza”
10. Kent Jones – “Don’t Mind”
11. Lukas Graham – “7 Years”
12. P!nk – “Just Like Fire”
13. twenty one pilots – “Ride”
14. Nick Jonas ft. Tove Lo – “Close”
15. Ariana Grande – “Dangerous Woman”
16. Rihanna ft. Drake – “Work”
17. Florida Georgia Line – “H.O.L.Y.”
18. Meghan Trainor – “Me Too”
19. Justin Bieber – “Love Yourself”
20. Adele – “Send My Love (To Your New Lover)”

Jmunney’s Revision
1. Cheap Thrills
2. Work From Home
3. Work
4. Close
5. I Took a Pill in Ibiza
6. Dangerous Woman
7. Ride
8. Needed Me
9. Send My Love (To Your New Lover)
10. Me Too
11. Can’t Stop the Feeling!
12. Love Yourself
13. One Dance
14. Don’t Let Me Down
15. This Is What You Came For
16. Just Like Fire
17. Panda
18. 7 Years
19. Don’t Mind
20. H.O.L.Y.

What Won TV? – June 12-June 18, 2016

June 19, 2016

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In this feature, I look back at each day of the past week and determine what shows “won TV” for the night. That is, I consider every episode of television I watched that aired on a particular day and declare which was the best.

oj-made-in-america

Sunday – Last Week Tonight with John Oliver
Monday – The most thankful I’ve ever been for Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
Tuesday – OJ: Made in America Part 2
Wednesday – OJ: Made in America Part 3
Thursday – Orphan Black
Friday – Check It Out! with Dr. Steve Brule – a real humdinger of a season premiere
Saturday – OJ: Made in America Part 5

Billboard Hot Rock Songs – Week of June 25, 2016

June 14, 2016

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Each week, I check out the Billboard Hot Rock Songs chart, and then I rearrange that top 25 based on my estimation of their quality.

Original Version
1. twenty one pilots – “Ride”
2. twenty one pilots – “Stressed Out”
3. James Bay – “Let It Go”
4. X Ambassadors – “Unsteady”
5. Disturbed – “The Sound of Silence”
6. The Lumineers – “Ophelia”
7. Coldplay – “Hymn for the Weekend”
8. The Strumbellas – “Spirits”
9. Coldplay – “Adventure of a Lifetime”
10. Red Hot Chili Peppers – “Dark Necessities”
11. Ben Rector – “Brand New”
12. Beck – “Wow”
13. Fitz and the Tantrums – “HandClap”
14. blink-182 – “Bored to Death”
15. Kaleo – “Way Down We Go”
16. Empire of the Sun – “Walking on a Dream”
17. Imagine Dragons – “Not Today”
18. Bishop Briggs – “River”
19. The Strokes – “Oblivius”
20. Volbeat – “The Devil’s Bleeding Crown”
21. Elle King – “America’s Sweetheart”
22. Prince – “When Doves Cry”
23. KONGS – “Take It From Me”
24. Panic! at the Disco – “Death of a Bachelor”
25. The 1975 – “The Sound”

Jmunney’s Revision
1. Walking on a Dream
2. When Doves Cry
3. Take It From Me
4. River
5. Way Down We Go
6. Wow
7. The Devil’s Bleeding Crown
8. The Sound
9. Oblivius
10. Ophelia
11. Unsteady
12. Ride
13. Dark Necessities
14. Stressed Out
15. Adventure of a Lifetime
16. Death of a Bachelor
17. The Sound of Silence
18. America’s Sweetheart
19. Spirits
20. Hymn for the Weekend
21. HandClap
22. Let It Go
23. Brand New
24. Bored to Death
25. Not Today

Billboard Hot 20 – Week of June 25, 2016

June 14, 2016

jmunney Billboard Charts, Billboard Hot 100, Music , , , Leave a comment

Each week, I check out the Billboard Hot 100, and then I rearrange the top 20 based on my estimation of their quality.

Original Version
1. Drake ft. WizKid and Kyla – “One Dance”
2. Desiigner – “Panda”
3. Justin Timberlake – “Can’t Stop the Feeling!”
4. The Chainsmokers ft. Daya – “Don’t Let Me Down”
5. Fifth Harmony ft. Ty Dolla $ign – “Work From Home”
6. Lukas Graham – “7 Years”
7. Calvin Harris ft. Rihanna – “This Is What You Came For”
8. Mike Posner – “I Took a Pill in Ibiza”
9. Rihanna – “Needed Me”
10. P!nk – “Just Like Fire”
11. Kent Jones – “Don’t Mind”
12. Rihanna ft. Drake – “Work”
13. Sia ft. Sean Paul – “Cheap Thrills”
14. Ariana Grande – “Dangerous Woman”
15. twenty one pilots – “Ride”
16. Zara Larsson & MNEK – “Never Forget You”
17. Florida Georgia Line – “H.O.L.Y.”
18. DJ Khaled ft. Drake – “For Free”
19. Justin Bieber – “Love Yourself”
20. Zayn – “Pillowtalk”

Jmunney’s Revision
1. Cheap Thrills
2. Work From Home
3. Work
4. I Took a Pill in Ibiza
5. Dangerous Woman
6. Never Forget You
7. Ride
8. Can’t Stop the Feeling
9. Needed Me
10. Love Yourself
11. One Dance
12. Don’t Let Me Down
13. This Is What You Came For
14. For Free
15. Just Like Fire
16. Panda
17. Pillowtalk
18. 7 Years
19. Don’t Mind
20. H.O.LY.

This Is a Movie Review: The Conjuring 2

June 12, 2016

jmunney Cinema, Movie Reviews Leave a comment

CONJURING-2-Old-Man

The Conjuring 2 tackles head on questions that hound nearly every supernatural horror movie:
-Why doesn’t the family just leave when they relize their house is haunted? (They do, immediately and hilariously. Plus, they are at the mercy of public housing.)
-How can only a few characters recognize the haunting when it is so often so obvious? (Little time is wasted with keeping anyone in the dark, and any skepticism that exists serves a purpose.)
-How do you make a horror sequel that still manages to surprise without alienating your audience? (Keep the same tone, while changing the nature of the beast.)

The next ghost hunting tale from the files of Ed and Lorraine Warren (Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga) leaves Rhode Island behind for London. The thick-as-fog Enfield accents are impenetrable, but essential for pinpointing a sense of place and establishing The Conjuring 2 as its own thing. That sense of particularity serves the film well, especially when it seems to give away all of its tricks less than halfway through. This story could wrap up quite tidily, with the Warrens swooping in to exorcise the house and then promptly moving on their merry way. There is, after all, a whiff of “been there, done that,” with the character designs and demonic motivations quite similar to both the first film and director James Wan’s other supernatural horror series. But wisely, with a nagging sense that there is something else going on, there is a carrot stick promising further mysterious resolution. The ultimate twist is not mind-blowing, but it is far from insulting, and it is in keeping with this series’ m.o. of tension-building and catharsis.

There is also a goopy heart at the center of both Conjuring movies that make them a lot (legitimately) sweeter than any other horror movie. One may quibble with the real-life legitimacy of the Warrens’ methods, but the strength of their marriage is not up for debate. Their flirtatiousness is family-friendly, but playfully passionate. Farmiga and Wilson bring a lot of soul and verve to their performances; even though they are dealing with the wildest of life-and-death situations, they never lose their tenderness or their senses of humor. In conclusion: this is a perfectly scary horror movie that makes time for Patrick Wilson’s uncanny Elvis impression, and it plays that moment completely straight.

I give The Conjuring 2 10 Real Scares out of 8 Fake Out Scares That Turn Into Real Scares.

One more thing: Like the original, The Conjuring 2 is rated R essentially for how scary it is, which is kind of ridiculous. There is no sex, no gore (other than a few cuts and scrapes), and no naughty words. A legitimate case could be made for a mere PG.

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