Maybe ‘Love Hurts’ Should Have Just Been Entirely About the Real Estate?

February 6, 2025

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Which one of these people makes love hurt more? (CREDIT: Allen Fraser/Universal Pictures)

Starring: Ke Huy Quan, Ariana DeBose, Daniel Wu, Marshawn Lynch, Mustafa Shakir, Lio Tipton, Rhys Darby, André Eriksen, Sean Astin, Cam Gigandet

Director: Jonathan Eusebio

Running Time: 83 Minutes

Rating: R for Blood Shooting Out From Every Nook and Cranny of the Human Body

Release Date: February 7, 2025 (Theaters)

What’s It About?: Marvin Gable (Ke Huy Quan) is a pillar of his community, a successful realtor entrusted with making people’s dreams come true. But he also has a very dark past, don’t you know. And it’s starting to catch up with him just in time for Valentine’s Day! Years ago, he ducked out of the criminal operation run by his brother Knuckles (Daniel Wu), who isn’t exactly willing to let go of what was. So some goons start showing up at Marv’s office and his houses, as does his old partner Rose (Ariana DeBose), who also believes that Marv still owes her plenty after the way he left things between the two of them.

What Made an Impression?: Who Did What Where When to Whom?: Action flicks about hidden backstories tend to be as convoluted as a labyrinth, and Love Hurts is no exception. There’s usually no point in trying to decipher them, but these flicks can still be enjoyed to perfection if the charm is there. And with Ke Huy Quan in the lead role, you might think that charm would in fact be there. After he re-emerged a few years ago in Everything Everywhere All at Once, I realized that he might just be one of my favorite entertainers of all time. And he’s still likable here, just not enough to get me to care about whatever the hell happens in this movie. The same is true to varying degrees about the supporting cast, especially Lio Tipton as Marv’s secretary Ashley. I haven’t seen Tipton very much since their early-2010s breakout in the likes of Crazy, Stupid, Love. and Warm Bodies, and that’s a darn shame, because Ashley’s romantic subplot with one of the goons is a satisfying enough side quest.
Bloody Disgusting: Maybe Love Hurts never really wanted to be charming. At least that’s what I started to suspect when the decent fellow played by Sean Astin gets fatally stabbed in the eye. This is an astoundingly gory movie, not in an over-the-top way that could generate guffaws, though I wouldn’t exactly call it realistic either. Although maybe sometimes blood does gush and squirt all over the place and I’ve just never been in the situations where I would have experienced that. It’s impressively rendered, but not exactly pleasant in any conceivable way.
I Ain’t Mad, Bro: I didn’t expect to be writing this sentence in 2025 (or any year, for that matter), but: thank god for Drew Scott! Yes indeed, one of the Property Brothers has a small part in Love Hurts as Marv’s real estate rival (although his twin is nowhere to be seen). And even weirder: I actually enjoyed his presence! I’ve never particularly cared for real estate reality shows, often instead finding them surreally soulless. But maybe that explains how Scott is so delightfully out of place in this blood-splattered world. Anyway, the rest of the movie sure could have used more of that “How the hell is this working?” energy.

If You’re Anything Like Me, Love Hurts is Recommended If You Like: Argylle, because it’s another recent action comedy featuring Ariana DeBose that had me feeling exactly the same way

Grade: 2 out of 5 Closing Sales

B.J. Novak Heads Down to Texas to Orchestrate Some Vengeance

July 26, 2022

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Vengeance (CREDIT: Patti Perret/Focus Features)

Starring: B.J. Novak, Boyd Holbrook, Issa Rae, Dove Cameron, J. Smith-Cameron, Isabella Amara, Ashton Kutcher, Lio Tipton, Eli Abrams Bickel, John Mayer

Director: B.J. Novak

Running Time: 108 Minutes

Rating: R for A Few Bursts of Language and Violence

Release Date: July 29, 2022 (Theaters)

What’s It About?: New York-based journalist Ben Manalowitz (B.J. Novak) would really love to host a podcast that gets people talking. If you’ve ever met someone whose response to listening to Serial was “I could do that!”, then you know the kind of guy we’re dealing with here. As serendipity would have it, he gets a call from the family of Abilene Shaw (Lio Tipton), an old hookup of his. They inform him that she’s died of an overdose, as they’ve confused him for a serious boyfriend, so he suddenly finds himself flying down to Texas for the funeral. Abilene’s brother Ty (Boyd Holbrook) suspects that there’s more to the story, so he recruits Ben into his plan to track down who’s really responsible and deliver some Lone Star-style vengeance. And so, Ben now has his podcast premise: a probing examination into the American opioid crisis through the lens of conspiracy theories that are more comforting than the truth.

What Made an Impression?: If that synopsis has you screaming, “This sounds like the most insufferable movie ever!!!”, I can see where you’re coming from. But those alarm bells should be tempered by the creative guiding hand of Novak, who writes, directs, and stars. But maybe you’re worried that even a self-aware version of this story would still be pretty insufferable. Understandable! But here’s the thing: it’s all played pretty sincerely. This isn’t satire, but rather, an engrossing tale of a messy tragedy. Ben certainly starts off a little condescending, but he allows himself to be drawn into Abilene’s family. They have their fair share of Deep South middle-of-nowhere quirks, but they also have access to modern amenities, so they know what’s what in the 21st century. (If you were looking for something more mean-spirited, you can at least relish John Mayer’s self-mocking cameo as himself.) Ben is won over by the clan, and he eventually gets drawn in enough to realize that Abilene really doesn’t seem like the type of girl who would have OD’d and that her death indeed warrants further investigation.

In a very strongly cast movie, the one performance in Vengeance that really blew me away was a career-best turn from Ashton Kutcher as local record producer Quinten Sellers. He could easily have more clients in a bigger city, but he’s an idealist who doesn’t want to see talent go to waste in this little town. Ben is all ready to dismiss him as a flim-flam man, but Quinten wins him over with a stunning monologue about how writers are the translators of life. (I was inspired quite a bit as well!) I’ve never seen Kutcher’s charm put to such profound use before, and it’s kind of intoxicating.

While most of Vengeance is disarmingly openhearted, it ultimately barrels forward to a sour, ugly conclusion befitting its title. That doesn’t negate all the hope-filled moments that preceded it, but it does cast a pall over the optimistic scenes. I’m not going to dismiss the whole movie for that questionable swerve, but it is worth noting that it’s stuck in my craw despite my generally satisfied experience.

Vengeance is Recommended If You Like: Looking past stereotypes

Grade: 4 out of 5 Whataburgers