Maybe ‘Love Hurts’ Should Have Just Been Entirely About the Real Estate?

February 6, 2025

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Which one of these people makes love hurt more? (CREDIT: Allen Fraser/Universal Pictures)

Starring: Ke Huy Quan, Ariana DeBose, Daniel Wu, Marshawn Lynch, Mustafa Shakir, Lio Tipton, Rhys Darby, André Eriksen, Sean Astin, Cam Gigandet

Director: Jonathan Eusebio

Running Time: 83 Minutes

Rating: R for Blood Shooting Out From Every Nook and Cranny of the Human Body

Release Date: February 7, 2025 (Theaters)

What’s It About?: Marvin Gable (Ke Huy Quan) is a pillar of his community, a successful realtor entrusted with making people’s dreams come true. But he also has a very dark past, don’t you know. And it’s starting to catch up with him just in time for Valentine’s Day! Years ago, he ducked out of the criminal operation run by his brother Knuckles (Daniel Wu), who isn’t exactly willing to let go of what was. So some goons start showing up at Marv’s office and his houses, as does his old partner Rose (Ariana DeBose), who also believes that Marv still owes her plenty after the way he left things between the two of them.

What Made an Impression?: Who Did What Where When to Whom?: Action flicks about hidden backstories tend to be as convoluted as a labyrinth, and Love Hurts is no exception. There’s usually no point in trying to decipher them, but these flicks can still be enjoyed to perfection if the charm is there. And with Ke Huy Quan in the lead role, you might think that charm would in fact be there. After he re-emerged a few years ago in Everything Everywhere All at Once, I realized that he might just be one of my favorite entertainers of all time. And he’s still likable here, just not enough to get me to care about whatever the hell happens in this movie. The same is true to varying degrees about the supporting cast, especially Lio Tipton as Marv’s secretary Ashley. I haven’t seen Tipton very much since their early-2010s breakout in the likes of Crazy, Stupid, Love. and Warm Bodies, and that’s a darn shame, because Ashley’s romantic subplot with one of the goons is a satisfying enough side quest.
Bloody Disgusting: Maybe Love Hurts never really wanted to be charming. At least that’s what I started to suspect when the decent fellow played by Sean Astin gets fatally stabbed in the eye. This is an astoundingly gory movie, not in an over-the-top way that could generate guffaws, though I wouldn’t exactly call it realistic either. Although maybe sometimes blood does gush and squirt all over the place and I’ve just never been in the situations where I would have experienced that. It’s impressively rendered, but not exactly pleasant in any conceivable way.
I Ain’t Mad, Bro: I didn’t expect to be writing this sentence in 2025 (or any year, for that matter), but: thank god for Drew Scott! Yes indeed, one of the Property Brothers has a small part in Love Hurts as Marv’s real estate rival (although his twin is nowhere to be seen). And even weirder: I actually enjoyed his presence! I’ve never particularly cared for real estate reality shows, often instead finding them surreally soulless. But maybe that explains how Scott is so delightfully out of place in this blood-splattered world. Anyway, the rest of the movie sure could have used more of that “How the hell is this working?” energy.

If You’re Anything Like Me, Love Hurts is Recommended If You Like: Argylle, because it’s another recent action comedy featuring Ariana DeBose that had me feeling exactly the same way

Grade: 2 out of 5 Closing Sales

‘Bottoms’ is a Queer, Bloody, and Fantastical Journey Through High School

August 24, 2023

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Bottoms on top? (CREDIT: ORION Pictures)

Starring: Rachel Sennott, Ayo Edebiri, Havana Rose Liu, Kaia Gerber, Nicholas Galitzine, Dagmara Domińczyk, Marshawn Lynch, Ruby Cruz

Director: Emma Seligman

Running Time: 92 Minutes

Rating: R for A Fair Bit of Sexuality and Some Absurd Violence

Release Date: August 25, 2023 (Theaters)

What’s It About?: There’s no way around it: PJ (Rachel Sennott) and Josie (Ayo Edebiri) are the outcasts of all outcasts at Huntington High School. You might call them bottoms even. (The title of their movie certainly does.) They’re both gay, but that’s not the problem. Their classmates are pretty enlightened when it comes to sexual orientation, but they’re a little less so when it comes to people who are untalented and don’t care much about football. So PJ and Josie try to reverse their fortunes by starting a fight club/self-defense class/feminine support group as a front to hook up with the hottest girls in school. Will their secret be found out? Or will everyone else be more focused on the looming big game with the rival school?

What Made an Impression?: The Point is Beside the Point: The queerness that’s central to Bottoms‘ premise is always front and center, but it’s not the most fundamental aspect. At its core, this is a story about acceptance. Josie and PJ could just as easily be scheming on a plot to land some platonic friends, and you would hardly have to change any aspect of the script to make that happen. That’s a win for both representation and storytelling. This is a movie that is perfectly comfortable being matter-of-fact and upfront about its identity and then simply moving on to the rest of the good stuff.
Queer in Other Ways: Of course, there’s another definition of “queer” besides the LGBTQ+ sense. It’s a synonym for “weird” and “bizarre,” or even “outlandish.” And let’s be clear: Bottoms is strange-queer even more than it is gay-queer. If you get a bunch of funny people together, of course things are going to be off-kilter. But if you were expecting a somewhat realistic depiction of the high school experience, then you need to reset your expectations ASAP. This is a romp that is campy, gratuitous, and absurd aplenty. Every character feels like a facsimile of a human being, rather than an actual person, and the rules of life are accordingly askew.
Seriously, I Don’t Know What the Hell I Just Watched: I’m hesitant to recommend Bottoms with my full soul, because while I admire its bravado, I could never quite figure out its base reality. Random and outlandish behavior is the status quo, so I found myself thinking “OMG WTF” much more often than I was cracking up. That’s a better state of mind than nothing at all, but not as pleasurable as possible. If you want to get kooky, Bottoms has plenty of kooky. And maybe it’s just best not to ask why.

Bottoms is Recommended If You Like: Heathers, Assassination Nation, MacGruber, Cocaine Bear, The fight scenes from Anchorman and Anchorman 2

Grade: 3 out of 5 Golden Ferrets