Oh, by the way, which one’s Red? (CREDIT: Amazon MGM Studios)

Starring: Chris Evans, Dwayne Johnson, Lucy Liu, J.K. Simmons, Kiernan Shipka, Bonnie Hunt, Reinaldo Faberlle, Kristofer Hivju, Nick Kroll, Wesley Kimmel, Mary Elizabeth Ellis, Marc Evan Jackson

Director: Jake Kasdan

Running Time: 123 Minutes

Rating: PG-13 for Combat Between Humans, “Elves,” Talking Polar Bears, and Krampus

Release Date: November 15, 2024 (Theaters)

What’s It About?: Jack O’Malley (Chris Evans) has been a devoted cynic ever since he figured out before all the other kids that Santa Claus was a myth. So it was only natural that he would grow up to be a mercenary hacker and a deadbeat dad. So imagine his surprise when head of North Pole security Callum Drift (Dwayne Johnson) shows up at his home and informs Jack that his shenanigans are partly responsible for the kidnapping of Saint Nick (J.K. Simmons) himself. This being a Christmas movie and all, mythological holiday creatures are very real, and Callum and his colleagues are responsible for making sure that naughty listers like Jack don’t screw things up. Trouble is, Callum is contemplating retirement as the naughty list threatens to grow longer than the nice list, perhaps eternally. So you know, multiple characters in Red One are in a position to rediscover the Christmas spirit.

What Made an Impression?: Santa, Santa Claus, Where Are You?: Just because Santa Claus is kidnapped, that doesn’t matter that he has to be a minor character in his own movie. But alas, Red One makes the puzzling decision to keep J.K. Simmons stowed away for the vast majority of its running time. His captor is a shapeshifting ogre played by Kiernan Shipka – surely they could have thrown an hour’s worth of zingers back at each other! And honestly this is one of the more interesting cinematic Santas I’ve seen in quite a while: basically a jacked zaddy who pumps iron to refill all the calories he burns on Christmas Eve. The Christmas cheer in Red One is fairly generic, but there’s no need to convince anyone that this St. Nick is worth saving.
A Little Bit of This, Some of That Guy, Then We Go Home: Red One left me feeling a little blue, or maybe even gray, but it wasn’t for lack of effort or ideas. There’s a bit about how toy stores are portals for North Pole workers, Nick Kroll shows up as a shady middleman for the Christmas baddies, and there’s some grounded interplay between Jack and his ex (Mary Elizabeth Ellis). It’s all pleasant enough to serve as background entertainment as you make your way through your Advent calendar, though it lacks the pizzazz to inspire the same yuletide rediscovery that Jack and Callum are destined for. Although, if somebody posts a series of behind-the-scenes videos of J.K. Simmons Claus pumping even more iron, then perhaps it will have all been worth it.

Red One is Recommended If You Like: A movie that seems like it should be going straight to Netflix ending up on the big screen

Grade: 2.5 out of 5 Bench Presses