This Is a Movie Review: ‘Unlocked’ is Only for the Least Discerning Action Buffs

August 31, 2017

jmunney Cinema, Movie Reviews , , , , , , 1 Comment

This review was originally posted on News Cult in August 2017.

Starring: Noomi Rapace, Toni Collette, John Malkovich, Michael Douglas, Orlando Bloom

Director: Michael Apted

Running Time: 98 Minutes

Rating: R for Bloody Double Crosses

Release Date: September 1, 2017 (Limited and On-Demand)

Unlocked is just like any other global criss-crossing spy intrigue action thrillers that the likes of Steven Seagal and Jean-Claude Van Damme knocked out in their sleep in their heydays and probably still are cranking out (oh, the mysterious wonders of the home entertainment market). But instead of a hyper-masculine slab of meat singlehandedly saving the world from terrorism, this time it’s a tiny Swedish woman. So… progress?

While it is heartening to see a woman act competently in a traditionally male domain without anyone questioning her credentials, it is not as if Unlocked is otherwise compelling enough for those involved to be especially proud of. As cinema’s original Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, Noomi Rapace is right in her comfort zone, so she does manage to acquit herself admirably. But this is cookie-cutter spycraft, with every beat of flashbacks to haywire past missions and predictable double crosses crossed off in the most vanilla manner.

Rapace is supported by a cast of co-stars that are incongruously big and classy. Not one, not two, but THREE Oscar-nominated actors pop up in pivotal roles. Toni Collette, John Malkovich, and Michael Douglas manage to maintain their dignity, but the movie gives them few opportunities to be interesting. Even the director is a fairly notable name. Michael Apted (perhaps best known for the Up documentary series) has action experience in his filmography, including 1999’s The World is Not Enough, but none of the style inherent to the Bond series appears to have rubbed off on him.

In Unlocked’s final act, it manages to stick in some thematic muscle that it probably meant to explore all along. It turns out that the terrorist plot at the center of it all may be the doing of government machinations. There is potential fuel here to fan the flames of 9/11 truther-style conspiracy theorists. But Unlocked lacks the conviction to be either legitimately controversial or hysterically entertaining.

Unlocked is Recommended If You Like: Steven Seagal/Jean-Claude Van Damme/Chuck Norris completism, but with a distaff twist

Grade: 1 out of 5 Global Viruses

Billboard Hot Rock Songs – Week of September 9, 2017

August 29, 2017

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Each week, I check out the Billboard Hot Rock Songs chart, and then I rearrange the top 25 based on my estimation of their quality. I used to rank all 25, now I just rank the cream of the crop.

Original Version
1. Imagine Dragons – “Believer”
2. Portugal. The Man – “Feel It Still”
3. Imagine Dragons – “Thunder”
4. The Revivalists – “Wish I Knew You”
5. Linkin Park – “Numb”
6. Linkin Park – “In the End”
7. 30 Seconds to Mars – “Walk on Water”
8. Judah & the Lion – “Take It All Back”
9. Linkin Park ft. Kiiara – “Heavy”
10. Lord Huron – “The Night We Met”
11. Zach Williams – “Old Church Choir”
12. Weezer – “Feels Like Summer”
13. The Killers – “The Man”
14. The Beatles – “Here Comes the Sun”
15. NEEDTOBREATHE – “Hard Love”
16. Linkin Park – “What I’ve Done”
17. Soundgarden – “Black Hole Sun”
18. The Animals – “House of the Rising Sun”
19. Creedence Clearwater Revival – “Bad Moon Rising”
20. Linkin Park – “One More Light”
21. The Lumineers – “Angela”
22. Sir Sly – “High”
23. Fall Out Boy – “Champion”
24. Theory of a Deadman – “Rx”
25. Linkin Park – “Crawling”

Jmunney’s Revision
1. Here Comes the Sun
2. House of the Rising Sun
3. Bad Moon Rising
4. Black Hole Sun
5. The Man
6. High
7. Feel It Still
8. What I’ve Done
9. Hard Love
10. Numb
11. In the End
12. Crawling
13. Feels Like Summer

Billboard Hot 20 – Week of September 9, 2017

August 29, 2017

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Each week, I check out the Billboard Hot 100, and then I rearrange the top 20 based on my estimation of their quality. I used to rank all 20, now I just rank the cream of the crop.

Original Version
1. Luis Fonsi and Daddy Yankee ft. Justin Bieber – “Despacito”
2. DJ Khaled ft. Rihanna and Bryson Tiller – “Wild Thoughts”
3. Cardi B – “Bodak Yellow (Money Moves)”
4. Imagine Dragons – “Believer”
5. Charlie Puth – “Attention”
6. French Montana ft. Swae Lee – “Unforgettable”
7. Shawn Mendes – “There’s Nothing Holdin’ Me Back”
8. Bruno Mars – “That’s What I Like”
9. Ed Sheeran – “Shape of You”
10. Yo Gotti ft. Nicki Minaj – “Rake It Up”
11. Liam Payne ft. Quavo – “Strip That Down”
12. 21 Savage – “Bank Account”
13. Sam Hunt – “Body Like a Back Road”
14. Niall Horan – “Slow Hands”
15. Post Malone ft. Quavo – “Congratulations”
16. DJ Khaled ft. Justin Bieber, Quavo, Chance the Rapper, and Lil Wayne – “I’m the One”
17. Childish Gambino – “Redbone”
18. Demi Lovato – “Sorry Not Sorry”
19. Kendrick Lamar – “Humble.”
20. Justin Bieber + BloodPop – “Friends”

Jmunney’s Revision
1. Redbone
2. Unforgettable
3. Humble.
4. Wild Thoughts
5. Sorry Not Sorry

What Won TV? – August 20-August 26, 2017

August 27, 2017

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In this feature, I look back at each day of the past week and determine what shows “won TV” for the night. That is, I consider every episode of television I watched that aired on a particular day and declare which was the best.

Sunday – Rick and Morty (and Jerry and the tiny customer service reps)
Monday – American Dad!
Tuesday – Difficult People
Wednesday – Jeopardy! (tournament rerun)
Thursday – The Chris Gethard Show: Extra Sweaty Edition
Friday – VICE
Saturday – Halt and Catch Fire, thanks to genius teenagers

This Is a Movie Review: ‘Birth of the Dragon’ Wrings Some Drama Out of a Legendary Kung Fu Fight

August 24, 2017

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This review was originally published on News Cult in August 2017.

Starring: Philip Ng, Billy Magnussen, Xia Yu, Jinjing Qu, Jin Xing

Director: George Nolfi

Running Time: 103 Minutes

Rating: PG-13 for Kung Fu Ass Kicking and Mild Gangsterism

Release Date: August 25, 2017

Birth of the Dragon purports to be about a legendary fight between martial arts masters Bruce Lee (Philip Ng) and Wong Jack Man (Xia Yu), and it is about that for the most part, but an oddly significant amount of narrative weight is devoted to an out-of-place love story. I am not sure if this can be explained by commercial reasons, but I do not imagine that anyone who is mainly looking for romance would also be in the mood for sitting through a bunch of kung fu. Or perhaps it is just there to pad out the story. But that too is a puzzling choice, as there is more than enough drama to draw out of the Lee/Man conflict. The love story is far from fluffy, as it touches upon the struggles of Chinese immigrants in 1960s San Francisco, so the problem is more about overstuffing than irrelevance.

Much of the buildup to the fight is conveyed through a go-between in the form of Steve McKee (Billy Magnussen), one of Lee’s American students, who is essentially a third protagonist. Far from whitewashing, his presence gets at the heart of the conflict, or at least what one combatant assumes to be the heart of the conflict. Lee believes that Wong Jack Man has travelled to America because he disapproves of Lee teaching kung fu to Westerners. While Man is certainly the more traditional of the two, their disagreement is more complicated than that. That ambiguity helps overcome the problem intrinsic to this film: the actual fight between these two was not recorded, and its result is the stuff of legend. Birth of the Dragon makes the wise decision that the actual winner is beside the point.

Naturally, Birth of the Dragon is really only worth recommending if its action choreography can come anywhere close to the level of its subjects. I have only ever seen clips of Lee’s film and TV work, but I cannot imagine that Birth is anywhere near as stunning as the likes of Fist of Fury and Enter the Dragon. It is far from embarrassing (Ng especially has an extensive martial arts background), but masters in any field deserve tributes that earn more than only the faintest of praise.

Birth of the Dragon is Recommended If You Like: Kung Fu Completism

Grade: 2 out of 5 Chips on Your Shoulder

Billboard Hot Rock Songs – Week of September 2, 2017

August 22, 2017

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Each week, I check out the Billboard Hot Rock Songs chart, and then I rearrange the top 25 based on my estimation of their quality. I used to rank all 25, now I just rank the cream of the crop.

Original Version
1. Imagine Dragons – “Believer”
2. Portugal. The Man – “Feel It Still”
3. Imagine Dragons – “Thunder”
4. The Revivalists – “Wish I Knew You”
5. Linkin Park – “Numb”
6. Linkin Park – “In the End”
7. Judah & the Lion – “Take It All Back”
8. Linkin Park ft. Kiiara – “Heavy”
9. Lord Huron – “The Night We Met”
10. The Killers – “The Man”
11. Zach Williams – “Old Church Choir”
12. Linkin Park – “What I’ve Done”
13. Bleachers – “Don’t Take the Money”
14. NEEDTOBREATHE – “Hard Love”
15. Weezer – “Feels Like Summer”
16. Linkin Park – “One More Light”
17. Linkin Park – “Crawling”
18. Foo Fighters – “Run”
19. The Lumineers – “Angela”
20. Sir Sly – “High”
21. Imagine Dragons – “Whatever It Takes”
22. Judah & the Lion – “Suit and Jacket”
23. Linkin Park – “One Step Closer”
24. Linkin Park – “Somewhere I Belong”
25. Arcade Fire – “Everything Now”

Jmunney’s Revision
1. The Man
2. High
3. Feel It Still
4. Run
5. What I’ve Done
6. Hard Love
7. Everything Now
8. One Step Closer
9. Numb
10. Somewhere I Belong
11. In the End
12. Crawling
13. Feels Like Summer
14. Shadow of the Day

Billboard Hot 20 – Week of September 2, 2017

August 22, 2017

jmunney Billboard Charts, Billboard Hot 100, Music , , , , , Leave a comment

Each week, I check out the Billboard Hot 100, and then I rearrange the top 20 based on my estimation of their quality. I used to rank all 20, now I just rank the cream of the crop.

Original Version
1. Luis Fonsi and Daddy Yankee ft. Justin Bieber – “Despacito”
2. DJ Khaled ft. Rihanna and Bryson Tiller – “Wild Thoughts”
3. Cardi B – “Bodak Yellow (Money Moves)”
4. French Montana ft. Swae Lee – “Unforgettable”
5. Imagine Dragons – “Believer”
6. Charlie Puth – “Attention”
7. Shawn Mendes – “There’s Nothing Holdin’ Me Back”
8. Bruno Mars – “That’s What I Like”
9. Ed Sheeran – “Shape of You”
10. Sam Hunt – “Body Like a Back Road”
11. DJ Khaled ft. Justin Bieber, Quavo, Chance the Rapper, and Lil Wayne – “I’m the One”
12. 21 Savage – “Bank Account”
13. Liam Payne ft. Quavo – “Strip That Down”
14. Post Malone ft. Quavo – “Congratulations”
15. Niall Horan – “Slow Hands”
16. Childish Gambino – “Redbone”
17. Kendrick Lamar – “Humble.”
18. Lil Uzi Vert – “XO Tour Llif3”
19. The Chainsmokers and Coldplay – “Something Just Like This”
20. Calvin Harris ft. Pharrell Williams, Katy Perry and Big Sean – “Feels”

Jmunney’s Revision
1. Redbone
2. Feels
3. Unforgettable
4. Humble.
5. Wild Thoughts

This Is a Movie Review: ‘Leap!’ Can Only Inspire Aspiring Ballerinas If They’re Unfamiliar with the Uncanny Valley

August 22, 2017

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This review was originally posted on News Cult in August 2017.

Starring: Elle Fanning, Nat Wolff, Carly Rae Jepsen, Maddie Ziegler, Kate McKinnon, Mel Brooks

Directors: Éric Summer and Éric Warin

Running Time: 89 Minutes

Rating: PG for Lightly Disturbing Stage Motherhood

Release Date: August 25, 2017

Hey guys, I know there are a lot of terrible things going on in the world that we need to be worried about, but there is yet one more thing I need to alert you about. Apparently the French are not so keen about orphans joining their prestigious ballet companies. Luckily, an animated movie now exists to inspire aspiring ballerinas to keep their heads up no matter where they are from! That movie is Leap!, but alas, its cookie-cutter CG animation, far from inspirational itself, is instead liable to call to mind the most bizarre cartoon you only discover in your most desperate Netflix binges. Oh well, at least it gives us an excuse to start a campaign to get Carly Rae Jepsen a Best Original Song Oscar.

The plot is the same as any inspirational animated kids movie: a misfit tries to sneak her way into the big time, where she must withstand the arrogance of the gatekeepers and the ruthlessness of her rivals, but she stands just enough of a chance for success, thanks to her own boundless gumption and a somewhat mysterious mentor figure who finds the room in her heart to train her. The whole affair is kind-spirited enough that even the most morally lacking characters in the ballet world are easily redeemed by the end. If you are an aspiring ballerina yourself, or have one in your life, you may derive value from watching Leap! For everyone else, the whole endeavor may be too disorienting to have any demonstrable results.

Leap! is an international co-production with two French directors, and accordingly it often has a vibe of being lost in translation. Characters respond to each other with lines that do not quite make sense. Dialogue is often offscreen, frequently resulting in a weird sensation in which the words sound simultaneously nearby and far away. These are the sorts of uncanny valley effects that slightly subpar CG animation always runs the risk of featuring. At least the conclusion is a satisfying reprieve from all that: as Jepsen’s sublimely buoyant “Cut to the Feeling” cuts in during the credits, it is like a marvelous return to the real world.

Leap! is Recommended If You Like: Ice Princess, Hallucinating from Inexplicably Weird Animation, Carly Rae Jepsen completism

Grade: 2.25 out of 5 Depressed Elephants

What Won TV? – August 13-August 19, 2017

August 20, 2017

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In this feature, I look back at each day of the past week and determine what shows “won TV” for the night. That is, I consider every episode of television I watched that aired on a particular day and declare which was the best.

Sunday – Rick and Morty
Monday – People of Earth
Tuesday – Difficult People
Wednesday – Jeopardy! (But Honorable Mention to Marlon‘s theme song)
Thursday – Whose Line is it Anyway?
Friday – VICE
Saturday – I’m so ready to Halt and Catch Fire all the time.

This Is a Movie Review: Annabelle: Creation

August 19, 2017

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Annabelle: Creation really takes a while to ramp up the intensity. Like, at least an hour, maybe even an hour-fifteen, into its running time, at which point it finally starts ripping limbs and tearing faces apart enough to (barely) justify its R rating. That is kind of crazy given the relentless standard set by the previous Conjuring/Annabelle films. In the prelude, there are a lot of lingering close-ups and light/dark interplay in which you have plenty of time to uncover the agents of evil lurking in the fuzzy shadows. Ultimately, Creation is most valuable for how it expands the mythology, favoring a harmonically mind-bending approach that calls to mind the latter-day Paranormal Activity sequels.

I give Annabelle: Creation 5 Broken Fingers Around a Cross in Every Frame.

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