SNL: Katy Perry, Willem Dafoe, Chris Redd (CREDIT: NBC/Screenshot)

Oh hello there, you’re reading my review of the TWELFTH episode of the FORTY-SEVENTH season of Saturday Night Live. Who’s the host? That’s an important piece of information, and the reality is that it is American actor Willem Dafoe. Also noteworthy: the musical guest is Katy Perry, who’s known for performing songs.

For this episode, since we’re in the middle of winter, I’m ordering sketches from least cold to coldest. It’s a subjective rubric, sure, but hopefully you can see what I’m going for.

LEAST COLD:

Katy Perry, “When I’m Gone”: The least cold moment of the entire episode was definitely Katy P’s first performance, what with those Super Mario-esque mushrooms giving off total springtime vibes. In her wheelhouse, and plenty bouncy! (For the record: she was musically accompanied by Swedish Person Alesso.)

Trend Forecasters: Besides the bulky outfits and icy hairstyles, everything about this Aidy Bryant-Bowen Yang teamup screamed “Hot!”

Peyton Manning: This retired football player was wearing a suit jacket, which is most appropriate in cold weather. But he had on bright colors, and he was discussing Emily in Paris, which I’ve never seen, but it definitely makes me think of spring.

Katy Perry, “Never Really Over”: Katy P. slowed it down for Song #2, but the mushrooms were still there, so I felt warm and fuzzy.

Now I’m Up: This musical paean to nagging nicks and noids that keep you awake gave off the sort of energy that can be summed up as “hot when you want to feel cold.” Weird enough often enough to make me laugh.

Nugenix: The way those former professional athletes and Willem Dafoe as Himself treated Mikey Day’s character sure was cold, but all that talk about testosterone gave off so much Heat.

Good Morning Columbus: Usually a sketch set at a local news broadcast in a Midwestern city would feel plenty cold, but then this one went in a very saucy direction. Where does this fit within the tradition of Colonel Angus and Will Ferrell at yoga? Let me know what you think!

Badminster Dog Show: If I had one of these quote-unquote “bad dogs” as a pet, I imagine I would be chilled to the bone more often than I’d like to be.

Beauty and the Beast: With the fireplace roaring and all those lit candles, I imagine that Belle’s dad was fighting off the cold, but you can ignore the dropping temps when someone is just so ready to give in to all his weirdest, freakiest impulses.

Weekend Update: Michael and Colin: Nothing especially cold about this Weekend Update edition, except insofar as our two friendly neighborhood anchors were joking about news happening during the winter. My biggest laughs happened when Che revealed that he sympathizes with Stephen Breyer and when he said “Do you get it?” after the dolphin fin joke.

please don’t destroy: Martin’s Friend: That child has a lot of coldness in his heart, but you’re going to feel a lot of body heat after stuffing a rare steak down your gullet.

Ukraine Meeting Cold Open: I hear that the Ukraine-Russia border is a cold place, especially in January. Thank you to this cold open sketch for gifting us with “American Ball Toss Player” and “Jake From Russia.”

Willem Dafoe’s Monologue: The mere mention of Appleton, Wisconsin immediately set the mercury plunging.

Tenants Association Meeting: If it’s an NYC apartment building in January, you know the heat’s not working properly! Even if it’s cranked up beyond belief, you’re still somehow paradoxically freezing.

COLDEST:

Office Song: This sketch didn’t seem that cold to begin with. I was even going to venture to guess that it wasn’t even set in January! But then the wind started blowing in through the very open window, and it was suddenly Brrr City. Anyway, impromptu music-making with everyone all around you is always so much fun.

The next new episode will air on February 26, 2022 (Eastern Standard Time). It will still be winter, but it’ll be right after the Olympics, so we’ll all be working up a sweat in the meantime. On the docket: former SNL writer/frequent SNL host John Mulaney and formerly-broken-up, currently-together band LCD Soundsystem.