Barb and Star Go to … an Awards Show? (CREDIT: Cate Cameron)

If I were in charge of unilaterally selecting the Oscars, here is who would be selected. Nominees are listed alphabetically, winners in bold.

Best Picture
Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar
Malignant
Old
Shiva Baby
Summer of Soul

Best Director
Josh Greenbaum, Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar
Emma Seligman, Shiva Baby
M. Night Shyamalan, Old
Ahmir “Questlove” Thompson, Summer of Soul
James Wan, Malignant

Lead Actress
Virginie Efira, Benedetta
Lady Gaga, House of Gucci
Annie Mumolo, Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar
Rachel Sennott, Shiva Baby
Kristen Wiig, Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar

Lead Actor
Jim Cummings, The Beta Test
Andrew Garfield, Tick, Tick… Boom!
Oscar Isaac, The Card Counter
Simon Rex, Red Rocket
Will Smith, King Richard

Supporting Actress
Aunjanue Ellis, King Richard
Tiffany Haddish, Bad Trip
Kathryn Hunter, The Tragedy of Macbeth
Abbey Lee, Old
Suzanna Son, Red Rocket

Supporting Actor
Ben Affleck, The Last Duel
Colman Domingo, Zola
Troy Kotsur, CODA
Jared Leto, House of Gucci
Geoffrey Wright, The French Dispatch

Original Screenplay
Annie Mumolo and Kristen Wiig, Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar
Jonas Poher Rasmussen and Amin, Flee
Akela Cooper, Ingrid Bisu, and James Wan, Malignant
Chris Bergoch and Sean Baker, Red Rocket
Emma Seligman, Shiva Baby

Adapted Screenplay
David Birke and Paul Vervhoeven, Benedetta
Roberto Bentivegna and Becky Johnston, House of Gucci
Aleksandar Hemon, David Mitchell, and Lana Wachowski, The Matrix Resurrections
M. Night Shyamalan, Old
Ivan Atkinson, Marn Davis, and Guy Ritchie, Wrath of Man

Original Score
Hans Zimmer, Dune
Joseph Bishara, Malignant
Alberto Iglesias, Parallel Mothers
Chris Benstead, Wrath of Man

Original Song
“I’m an Accompanist,” written by Sparks and Leos Carax, Annette
“So May We Start,” written by Sparks and Leos Carax, Annette
“Sympathy for the Abyss,” written by Sparks and Leos Carax, Annette

Cinematography
Greig Fraser, Dune
Michael Burgess, Malignant
Michael Gioulakis, Old
Janusz Kamiński, West Side Story

Animated Feature
Flee
Ron’s Gone Wrong

Costume Design
Trayce Gigi Field, Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar
Jenny Beavan, Cruella
Janty Yates, House of Gucci
Mitchell Travers, In the Heights
Paul Tazewell, West Side Story

Film Editing
Cătălin Cristuțiu, Bad Luck Banging or Loony Porn
Steve Welch, Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar
Kirk Morri, Malignant
Hanna A. Par, Shiva Baby
Joshua L. Pearson, Summer of Soul

Production Design
Barb and Star Go to Vista Del Mar
Dune
In the Heights
Malignant
The Matrix Resurrections

Sound
Annette
Dune
In the Heights
Malignant
West Side Story

Visual Effects
Dune
Free Guy
Malignant
The Matrix Resurrections

Makeup and Hairstyling
The Eyes of Tammy Faye
House of Gucci
Malignant

Documentary Feature
Flee
The Sparks Brothers
The Rescue
Summer of Soul
The Velvet Underground

International Feature Film
Bad Luck Banging or Loony Porn
Benedetta
Flee
Lingui, The Sacred Bonds
Parallel Mothers

I abstain from the shorts!