SNL: Bowen Yang, Selena Gomez, Aidy Bryant, Post Malone (CREDIT: NBC/Screenshot)

Uh-oh, Selena Gomez is finally a Saturday Night Live host! I don’t know why I said “uh-oh,” it’s not like this is bad news. I guess it just felt like a fun way to introduce my review. Hopefully I can maintain that much fun throughout the entire review!

You may have heard that the musical guest of this episode is Post Malone, and hey, my last name is also “Malone”! So here’s what I’ve decided to do: list each sketch alphabetically according to the last name (or stage name) of the first person to speak (or sing, in the case of musical performances) on screen. (So no narrators, because it can get a little tricky in that zone.)

Here it goes again!

Guidance Counselors (First to Speak: Aidy Bryant): The best joke in this sketch (and you mighta missed it cause it wasn’t repeated and underlined and highlighted) is that this institution of learning is named “Ol’ Dirty Bastard High School.”

Post Malone ft. Fleet Foxes, “Love/Hate Letter to Alcohol” (First to Sing: Fleet Foxes): I liked this more than Post’s first performance, as it was more bombastic. Also of note: his earrings resembled the sidecurls frequently sported by Orthodox Jewish men.

Bratz (First to Speak: Heidi Gardner): Bratz dolls are disturbing. This sketch, slightly less so.

Selena Gomez’s Monologue (First to Speak: Selena Gomez): Selena is good at relaying advice she received from her friends. That is all.

Old Enough! Longterm Boyfriends! (First to Speak: Selena Gomez): If I ever go shopping at Sephora, I hope that Heidi Gardner is there to help me out, too!

American Inventors (First to Speak: Selena Gomez): There should be more documentaries about famous chronic gas passers. If they exist, that is…

Weekend Update (First to Speak: Colin Jost): While Michael and Colin were yukking it up, I wrote in my notes “What is the age of consent for chimps?”
Weekend Update: Baby Yoda: What’s greener: Baby Yoda’s skin, or spicy guacamole?
Weekend Update: Sarah Sherman: I’ve probably said it before, and I’ll say it again (or if I haven’t said it before, I’ll say it for the first time now): Weekend Update should wander away from the desk more often.

MSNBC Special Report (First to Speak: Kate McKinnon): I gotta be honest with you, folks. I haven’t been paying close attention to the Johnny Depp/Amber Heard trial. But I do always appreciate a sketch that features Kenan Thompson reacting to dookie.

Post Malone ft. Roddy Ricch, “Cooped Up” (First to Sing: Post Malone): The most exciting part of this performance was when Post’s mic pack fell out of his back pocket.

Intuition (First to Speak: Chris Redd): Honestly, I was more interested in the Anna Kendrick movie they were watching at the beginning.

Baby Monitor (First to Speak: Chris Redd): Those babies were having plenty of fun, but I was honestly more interested in Selena’s character’s strained efforts to prove her party-hearty bona fides.

A Storm Within (First to Speak: Kenan Thompson): When Kenan announced that the entire cast of this play within a sketch had COVID, I was hoping that we would actually get to see a coronavirus-addled performance, as opposed to a series of follies by the understudies. What we got was okay, too, though.

The Three Daughters (First to Speak: Kenan Thompson): This is a very self-aware sketch, insofar as a lot of SNL sketches follow the Rule of Three, whereby the final member of a trio is the weird one. And I kinda wish this had ended without a punchline and that everyone had just remained not-weird. What we got worked well enough, but I would have loved a little anticlimactic daring.

A Peek at Pico (First to Speak: Melissa Villaseñor): I wonder how many SNL viewers outside of the L.A. area have ever heard of Pico Rivera. I certainly hadn’t before this sketch! Luckily the Internet exists, so I can quickly confirm that it is a real place and not a fictional land that Melissa Villaseñor created for the express purpose of hanging out with SNL Host Selena Gomez.

Next week, get ready for the season finale, which will feature a lineup of – get this! – host Natasha Lyonne and musical guest Japanese Breakfast. Yum!