What Won TV? – October 1-October 7, 2017

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In this feature, I look back at each day of the past week and determine what shows “won TV” for the night. That is, I consider every episode of television I watched that aired on a particular day and declare which was the best.

Sunday – Bob’s Burgers
Monday – Austin Rogers securing his place in the Jeopardy! record books
Tuesday – Austin going even further into Jeopardy! history
Wednesday – Full Frontal with Samantha Bee
Thursday – The Good Place
Friday – Jeopardy!
Saturday – Halt and Catch Fire better be careful about being so good about making me so sad.

This Is a Movie Review: ‘My Little Pony: The Movie’ Keeps Equestria Buoyant and Simple

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CREDIT: Lionsgate/Hasbro

This review was originally posted on News Cult in October 2017.

Starring: Tara Strong, Ashleigh Ball, Andrea Libman, Tabitha St. Germain, Cathy Weseluck, Emily Blunt, Michael Peña, Liev Schreiber, Taye Diggs, Zoe Saldana, Kristen Chenoweth, Uzo Aduba, Sia

Director: Jayson Thiessen

Running Time: 99 Minutes

Rating: PG for the Stone Hearts and Warped Magic of Cartoon Villains

Release Date: October 6, 2017

There’s a contingent of young adult (mostly) male fans of the My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic TV series who go by the moniker “bronies.” Some might suspect irony in this demographic’s devotion to a cartoon about unicorn ponies, but everything I know about them indicates that they are completely genuine. As I am curious enough to check out any show meant to appeal to demos completely different than mine, I once upon a time wondered if I too might become a brony. So I watched an episode of Friendship is Magic several years ago, and … I didn’t really get what all the fuss was about. But with a movie adaptation on the horizon, and with me as someone who is professionally bound to sample every wide release, the ponies stood another chance of hooking me into their fold.

Alas, after catching My Little Pony: The Movie, I must report that I still remain unconverted. But I suspect the fandom will be pleased. Normally when reviewing something, I keep every possible audience in mind, but MLP should not be faulted too hard for catering to one crowd in particular. It has no desire to expand its appeal with the self-awareness of DreamWorks, or the adult themes snuck into Pixar’s childlike wonder, or the anarchy of Despicable Me. Furthermore, the plot is simple, straightforward, and archetypal: the heroes make a bunch of new friends on a Campbell-esque hero’s journey, and the villain is not evil so much as misunderstood. While I would be more impressed with My Little Pony if it were more ambitious, there is something to be said for easy-to-understand positivity.

For those looking for some distinct personalities and imaginative flourishes, there are some  pleasures to be had. Emily Blunt is positively purring as Tempest Shadow, a heavy metal-influenced purple unicorn who threatens to ruin the good vibes of the ponies’ homeland of Equestria. Then there is Taye Diggs familiziairing everyone with the message of the beatniks in his voicing of hepcat humanoid feline Capper. The color palette is relentlessly bright, which certainly earns my favor, but for those who like it a little darker or at least subdued, it is still impressive how fastidiously each shade of the rainbow is woven together. In total, MLP: The Movie does what it sets out to do.

My Little Pony: The Movie is Recommended If You Like: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Unikitty from The Lego Movie, Parent-child bonding time

Grade: 2.5 out of 5 Hippogriffs

This Is a Movie Review: ‘The Florida Project’ is a Portrait of Life on the Edge Just Outside the Sunshine State’s Tourist Meccas

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CREDIT: Marc Schmidt/A24

This review was originally posted on News Cult in October 2017.

Starring: Brooklyn Kimberly Prince, Bria Vinaite, Willem Dafoe, Valeria Cotto, Christopher Rivera

Director: Sean Baker

Running Time: 115 Minutes

Rating: R for Constant Potty Mouth, a Few Scrapes, Discreet Sex That Doesn’t Stay Hidden, and An Impromptu Use of a Tampon

Release Date: October 6, 2017 (Limited)

I have frequently wondered how people with a thin personal economic safety net stake their place in the world. It’s such a different life than I know that it might as well be on a separate plane of existence entirely. But it is not absolutely foreigg. We all do what we must to survive, and we’re all wired to find fun where and when we can. But there are certain realities of a capitalist society that make any sense of a satisfactory life illusory. I firmly, theoretically, believe that material possessions are not the ultimate source of happiness, but I recognize that in practice, lack of material goods is the cause of a lot of hardship. The Florida Project is a portrait of such an existence, and thus it is a stressful watch, though I am happy to have seen it.

The marketing for The Florida Project is a lot more unfailingly happy-go-lucky than the actual film. The trailer and poster are not outright lies, as indeed a group of cute little kids do run around having the time of their lives and Willem Dafoe is more adorably gruff than hardass grump. But an overarching grim context is inescapable. Perhaps there is a concerted point in putting the film’s peppiest step forward, as it takes place in Kissimmee, Florida, not too far from Orlando. Head beyond that city’s tourist mecca, and you might just be a little less inclined to still call this land “the happiest place on Earth.”

The Magic Castle Motel may be a purposeful misnomer intended to lure in a few gullible tourists and also self-delude its longtime residents, but try telling that to 6-year-old Mooney (Brooklyn Kimberly Prince) and her best friends Scooty (Christopher Rivera) and Jancey (Valeria Cotto). Mooney knows that she and her mom Halley (Bria Vinaite) don’t exactly have a lot of money (that is, when they have any at all), but she still knows how to spend a hell of a day, like by sneaking around an abandoned building or scrounging up cash for ice cream (by pretending to have asthma that can only be relieved by ice cream). And hey, soliciting secondhand goods in a hotel parking lot with Mom is a lot of fun, too!

But when The Florida Project delves into the less savory ways in which Halley gets by, it’s a little harder to say that everything is copacetic. Questions that society really needs to grapple with become to impossible to ignore. When living in poverty is so expensive, how can you expect a young adult on waiting lists for every legitimate job not to turn to illegal ventures? And when those ventures become serious enough for social services to get involved, is the best solution really removing a child from a loving, non-abusive parental relationship? A lot of this grappling within the narrative falls upon motel manager Bobby (Dafoe in a role tailor-made for him), who is alternately a father figure, taskmaster, guardian angel, and just human. Written all over the lines of his face is the thesis of the film: this is all too intense to fully make sense of, but someone (but really, everyone) needs to live in it.

The Florida Project is Recommended If You Like: American Honey, A Little Princess, Boyhood

Grade: 4 out of 5 Cussing Kids

Billboard Hot Rock Songs – Week of October 14, 2017

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Each week, I check out the Billboard Hot Rock Songs chart, and then I rearrange the top 25 based on my estimation of their quality. I used to rank all 25, now I just rank the cream of the crop.

Original Version
1. Portugal. The Man – “Feel It Still”
2. Imagine Dragons – “Believer”
3. Imagine Dragons – “Thunder”
4. The Revivalists – “Wish I Knew You”
5. The Killers – “The Man”
6. Walk the Moon – “One Foot”
7. Theory of a Deadman – “Rx (Medicate)”
8. Zach Williams – “Old Church Choir”
9. Thirty Seconds to Mars – “Walk on Water”
10. Linkin Park – “One More Light”
11. Lord Huron – “The Night We Met”
12. Fall Out Boy – “The Last of the Real Ones”
13. Foo Fighters – “The Sky is a Neighborhood”
14. Imagine Dragons – “Whatever It Takes”
15. U2 – “You’re the Best Thing About Me”
16. Judah & the Lion – “Suit and Jacket”
17. NEEDTOBREATHE – “Hard Love”
18. Asking Alexandria – “Into the Fire”
19. The Lumineers – “Angela”
20. Vance Joy – “Lay It on Me”
21. Highly Suspect – “Little One”
22. Queens of the Stone Age – “The Way You Used to Do”
23. Beck – “Up All Night”
24. X Ambassadors – “Ahead of Myself”
25. Greta van Fleet – “Highway Tune”

Jmunney’s Revision
1. Highway Tune
2. The Way You Used to Do
3. Feel It Still
4. The Man
5. The Sky is a Neighborhood
6. Up All Night
7. Little One
8. You’re the Best Thing About Me
9. Hard Love
10. Lay It On Me

Billboard Hot 20 – Week of October 14, 2017

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Each week, I check out the Billboard Hot 100, and then I rearrange the top 20 based on my estimation of their quality. I used to rank all 20, now I just rank the cream of the crop.

Original Version
1. Cardi B – “Bodak Yellow (Money Moves)”
2. Post Malone ft. 21 Savage – “Rockstar”
3. Taylor Swift – “Look What You Made Me Do”
4. Logic ft. Alessia Cara and Khalid – “1-800-273-8255”
5. Luis Fonsi and Daddy Yankee ft. Justin Bieber – “Despacito”
6. French Montana ft. Swae Lee – “Unforgettable”
7. Portugal. The Man – “Feel It Still”
8. Imagine Dragons – “Believer”
9. Yo Gotti ft. Nicki Minaj – “Rake It Up”
10. Demi Lovato – “Sorry Not Sorry”
11. Charlie Puth – “Attention”
12. Liam Payne ft. Quavo – “Strip That Down”
13. Niall Horan – “Slow Hands”
14. Sam Smith – “Too Good at Goodbyes”
15. 21 Savage – “Bank Account”
16. Shawn Mendes – “There’s Nothing Holdin’ Me Back”
17. Imagine Dragons – “Thunder”
18. DJ Khaled ft. Rihanna and Bryson Tiller – “Wild Thoughts”
19. Ed Sheeran – “Shape of You”
20. Maroon 5 ft. SZA – “What Lovers Do”

Jmunney’s Revision
1. Feel It Still
2. Unforgettable
3. Wild Thoughts

What Won TV? – September 24-September 30, 2017

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In this feature, I look back at each day of the past week and determine what shows “won TV” for the night. That is, I consider every episode of television I watched that aired on a particular day and declare which was the best.

Scoot McNairy as Gordon Clark – Halt and Catch Fire _ Season 4, Episode 7 – Photo Credit: Tina Rowden/AMC

Sunday – Rick and Morty
Monday – Young Sheldon
Tuesday – Difficult People
Wednesday – You’re the Worst, and the title is back to being so true.
Thursday – The Good Place, The Good Place, The Good Place
Friday – VICE
Saturday – Halt and Catch Fire, and I keep watching the saddest parts again and again.

SNL Review September 30, 2017: Ryan Gosling/Jay-Z

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CREDIT: Will Heath/NBC

This review was originally posted on News Cult in October 2017.

Love It

Levi’s Wokes – In a season premiere that was no more than perfectly cromulent, the sketch that sticks with me the most is not one that had me non-stop laughing out loud, but the one with the most fully realized ideas. You know, sometimes “labels” are practical and only offensive if you are insane. It may be hilarious to denote a color as “#GREB,” but actual colors work better in most situations. But fashion is about making statements, and Levi’s Wokes do state themselves clearly.

Michael and Colin make it to the Love It section thanks to “White Fudge Ding Dongs.”

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This Is a Movie Review: Kingsman: The Golden Circle

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CREDIT: Giles Keyte/Twentieth Century Fox

The Golden Circle is just as exciting as the first Kingsman, and it features a hell of a villainous turn from Julianne Moore. Its attitude is a bit arch, and it often pretends that it isn’t, but that isn’t a huge deal when the action is assembled impressively and the humor does let loose often enough. But ultimately while these flicks are fun, I find it hard to embrace them fully. There is just something weirdly insidious about their politics (or something like politics). It may not even be intentional, but intentional or not, it does unnerve me. I could have forgiven all that if Channing had danced more. Why didn’t Channing dance more?

I give Kingsman: The Golden Circle 2 Cannibal Burgers out of 3 Butterfly Effects.

This Is a Movie Review: ‘Gerald’s Game’ Handcuffs Carla Gugino to a Bed and the Ghosts of Her Past

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Geralds-Game_Carla-Gugino_Bruce-Greenwood

CREDIT: Netflix

This review was originally posted on News Cult in September 2017.

Starring: Carla Gugino, Bruce Greenwood

Director: Mike Flanagan

Running Time: 103 Minutes

Rating: Unrated, But It Would Easily Be an R for Cuttingly Physical and Psychological Entrapment

Release Date: September 29, 2017 (Streaming on Netflix)

If you watch Netflix’s new movie Gerald Game, chances are you might do so on a computer. Often in such a viewing scenario, it is advisable to wear headphones to get the full aural experience. But in this case, it must be noted that that full experience might be unbearable. Bones are squeezed, flesh and blood is squished around, and the sound mix does not hold back in making all that as nauseating as possible. I generally have decent fortitude when it comes to horror grossness, but I had to look away and unplug my headphones for significant stretches. In case there was any doubt, a personal computer is more penetrative than a public theater.

Based on a 1992 Stephen King novel, the setup of Gerald’s Game is viciously simple. Jessie (Carla Gugino) and her husband Gerald (Bruce Greenwood) head up to a remote cabin to spice up their marriage with a little S&M. He handcuffs her to the bed, but before they can get going, he has a heart attack and dies. And thus the majority of the running time is devoted to Jessie’s attempts to break free.

Gugino is mostly on her own for about an hour and a half, but she does have some visitors, whether real, hallucinated, or remembered. A feral, hungry dog is a nuisance that pays no respect to the dead. Jessie’s internal back-and-forth monologue assessing her chances of escape is represented by the most oppressive version of Gerald convincing her she can’t do it and the most confident version of herself discovering that there might just be a way.

Occasionally Jessie falls asleep, revealing repressed memories of her father (Henry Thomas) sexually abusing her when she was a teenager, which turn out to be the key for how to save herself. This is fascinating, and filled with striking symbolic imagery, but it is also maddening, a classic example of King at his most on-the-nose. Furthermore, it begs the question: why does Gerald’s Game even need the backstory? The action could easily be contained to what is actually physically happening in the room. Although, to be fair, not everyone has the patience or the stomach to withstand this story without any breaks. Ultimately, there are two legitimate of presenting this premise, and considering the one not taken remains for now a fruitful “what if.”

At the end, there is a huge exposition dump that confirms the existence of another villain (Twin Peaks’ Carel Struycken) who easily could have (and probably should have) had his own movie. He is actually present throughout the film, but it sure does not feel that way once it is explained what his deal is. This conclusion comes out of nowhere and serves no narrative purpose other than allowing Jessie to stand up to one more roadblock. Still, despite this and other odd detours, Gerald’s Game is high-quality claustrophobic horror and a powerhouse showcase for Gugino.

Gerald’s Game is Recommended If You Like: Saw, You’re Next, The flashback scenes in Split

Grade: 3 out of 5 Slices of Kobe Beef

This Is a Movie Review: ‘Mark Felt: The Man Who Brought Down the White House’ is a Minor Addition to the Watergate Canon

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CREDIT: Bob Mahoney/Sony Pictures Classics

This review was originally posted on News Cult in September 2017.

Starring: Liam Neeson, Diane Lane, Marton Csokas, Tony Goldwyn, Josh Lucas, Michael C. Hall, Ike Barinholtz, Tom Sizemore, Julian Morris, Wendi McLendon-Covey, Kate Walsh, Maika Monroe, Bruce Greenwood, Brian d’Arcy James, Noah Wyle

Director: Peter Landesman

Running Time: 103 Minutes

Rating: PG-13 for FBI Agents Yelling When Suspected of Leaking

Release Date: September 29, 2017 (Limited)

Former FBI Associate Director Mark Felt has been portrayed or parodied in plenty of movies and TV shows, his presence an easy source of tension, frequently cloaked in the shadows of intrigue and mystery. When Hal Holbrook set the template for all Felt performances in All the President’s Men, he literally remained in the shadows. Of course, for decades, the role was not “Mark Felt” but “Deep Throat,” the pseudonym for the informant who provided The Washington Post with key details about the Watergate scandal that led to Richard Nixon’s resignation. Now that Felt (here played by Liam Neeson) has been revealed as Deep Throat, a fascinating film about the man behind the informant is ready to be made, but The Man Who Brought Down the White House is too erratic and overstuffed to be that film.

The story of the Watergate break-in and its fallout is familiar to basically every American who has lived during the last 45 years. It is an ur-scandal, providing a lens through which all governmental scandals – really all public scandals – are interpreted. We don’t need Mark Felt to re-tell that story, and yet it does. To be fair, seeing everything through Felt’s perspective – the channel through which all information in this affair goes through – is fascinating, but not so fascinating to make the familiar exciting again.

As far as I can tell, Mark Felt’s main purpose is to draw back the curtain on all the hoopla that springs up around any person who exists anonymously for so long. There is plenty of material to mine for a rich domestic drama. Felt’s wife Audrey (Diane Lane) is alcoholic and shares much of the stress he’s under, but her story seems like it could be that of any FBI agent’s wife and not Deep Throat’s specifically. The film’s other major point is that for all the good Felt did as an informant, he was not exactly a hero through and through. He was as guilty as (perhaps more so) anyone else in the FBI who violated American citizens’ civil rights. But save for one compelling scene snuck in at the end, that aspect is merely glossed over.

The major shortcoming of Mark Felt is all it attempts to stuff into just a little more than an hour and a half. Every name in the impressively sprawling cast list brings their bona fides, but nobody has the space to carve out a memorable character. Mark and Audrey reunite with their daughter (Maika Monroe) at a hippie commune in a third act twist that plays like it is so supposed to put everything that came before in perspective but mostly feels like it comes out of nowhere. If Mark Felt makes any cogent point, it’s that you always need folks like Woodward and Bernstein to compile everything together cogently and lucidly.

Mark Felt: The Man Who Brought Down the White House is Recommended If You Like: Watergate completism

Grade: 2 out of 5 (Nonexistent) Secret Files

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