‘Abigail’ Takes a Few Bites, and It Sure Gets Messy

April 18, 2024

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Isn’t she lovely! (CREDIT: Bernard Walsh/Universal Pictures)

Starring: Alisha Weir, Melissa Barrera, Dan Stevens, Kathryn Newton, William Catlett, Kevin Durand, Angus Cloud, Giancarlo Esposito

Directors: Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett

Running Time: 109 Minutes

Rating: R for Buckets of Blood, and Even Some Guts, and All the Attendant F-Bombs

Release Date: April 19, 2024 (Theaters)

What’s It About?: A ragtag group of criminals who are the best at what they do are assembled for a seemingly simple job: kidnap 12-year-old ballerina Abigail (Alisha Weir) and demand a $50 million ransom from her very powerful father. They hole up in a mansion for what’s meant to be a straightforward babysitting gig and assume Rat Pack-inspired codenames to hide their true identities. But that’s not amore, because it soon becomes clear that they’re in much more than they’ve bargained for when Abigail reveals the full extent of her identity. Could it be that this crew has more in common that they realize and that they might just have the right pop culture-inspired know-how to escape this house of horrors? Considering that Abigail was directed by the savvy team behind Ready or Not and the last couple of Screams, signs point to yes!

What Made an Impression?: Twist Premise: If you’ve ever listened to the podcast Scott Hasn’t Seen, then you may have encountered a pet theory of its co-host Scott Aukerman. The gist is that movies shouldn’t have titles, but instead just be identified by numbers, e.g. “Movie #10,607.” Aukerman’s point is that it’s best for audiences to experience movies with absolutely zero expectations and therefore maximum potential for surprise. If that idea appeals to you, then you should stop reading this review RIGHT NOW if you have any interest in seeing Abigail. But if you already regularly go to the movie theater or watch TV, then chances are you’ve already seen the ubiquitous trailer, which gives away the big twist at the heart of the concept. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with knowing about the title dancer’s bloodsucking tendencies when entering the theater, but it is worth noting that the script doesn’t rush into the reveal. I loved seeing the Abigail trailer as often as I did, but it would’ve been nice to have been able to test out Mr. Aukerman’s theory.
Let’s Make a Deal: When Abigail shows what appears to be its full hand, it turns into a full-bore cat-and-mouse most dangerous game as a little predator nibbles away at her prey. But it actually has another ace or two up its sleeve. You see, Abigail’s father is a notorious gangster businessman whose elimination of his enemies has become a bit of an urban legend. Or it would be a legend, if it weren’t all true. That wrinkle might make it seem like the bloodlust is even more inescapable, but it also opens up some avenues for wheeling and dealing. Abigail may love playing with her food, but there are certain frustrations that come with being a preteen for centuries. And while you’d be wise to be skeptical about her or anyone else of her ilk when they say they’ll let you go, their offers do make for some intriguing negotiation.
Theater of Blood: With her levitational abilities, bone-twisting dance skills, and telepathic manipulation, Abigail’s powers are about as boundless as you could possibly fear they’d be. But it’s essential for vampires to have some vulnerability, and that’s where Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett excel. Let’s just say, if you manage to expose Abigail to sunlight or poke her with a stake, she does not go gently. If you enjoyed the death scenes in Ready or Not, then you’ll lap up Abigail as quite the encore. Bettinelli-Olpin and Gillett aren’t reinventing the vampire wheel here (who could at this point?), but they’re certainly pouring all of their blood and guts into it.

Abigail is Recommended If You Like: Ready or Not, And Then There Were None, The blood elevator from The Shining

Grade: 3 out of 5 Tutus

‘Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead,’ Do Become Stressed Out

April 16, 2024

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I haven’t told my mom that I watched this movie (CREDIT: Iconic Events/Screenshot)

Starring: Simone Joy Jones, Nicole Richie, Donielle Tremaine Hansley, Ayaamii Sledge, Carter Young, June Squibb, Miles Fowler, Ms. Pat, Jermaine Fowler, Gus Kenworthy, Iantha Richardson

Director: Wade Allain-Marcus

Running Time: 99 Minutes

Rating: R

Release Date: April 12, 2024 (Theaters)

Y’all know I sometimes like to review movies by asking: would I like this to happen to me? In the case of Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead (2024 Version), I don’t think I can go any higher than a “Reply hazy, try again.”

I’ve never seen the original Don’t Tell…, so I don’t know if this 21st century version opted for a totally new direction, but I can say for sure that this is NOT what I was expecting. With a deceased babysitter, I figured the kids would take their newfound freedom and get up to a bunch of unfettered adventures that Mom cannot know about. But instead, the kids need money, so they apply for jobs that Mom cannot know about. Instead of vicarious partying, I had to paddle through vicarious financial precarity. ACK!

Grade: Don’t Tell Mom About the Fraud Either

‘Civil War,’ or How to Be a Photojournalist

April 11, 2024

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Civil War, what is it good for? (CREDIT: Murray Close/A24)

Starring: Kirsten Dunst, Wagner Moura, Cailee Spaeny, Stephen McKinley Henderson, Nick Offerman, Jesse Plemons

Director: Alex Garland

Running Time: 109 Minutes

Rating: R for Gunfire, Grenades, and Piles of Dead Bodies

Release Date: April 12, 2024 (Theaters)

What’s It About?: The president of the United States refuses to relinquish power in the face of incoming secessionary forces. Meanwhile, a group of journalists sniffs out an opportunity, as they’re going to barge right into the White House for an interview. Nobody outside of the commander-in-chief’s inner circle has talked to him in who knows how long. But they’re warned that it’s essentially a suicide mission. The administration considers the press an enemy of the people, and the area in and around Washington, D.C. is the deadliest part of the country, or what’s left of it. Nevertheless, they feel compelled to make the trip, out of a sense of duty, or ambition, or steely commitment to the truth, or some combination of the above.

What Made an Impression?: Thought Number One: The fact that Civil War takes place in a near-future United States is kind of beside the point. The landscape matters in a logistical sense, but the underlying principles would remain the same no matter what the setting or how much it is or isn’t based in reality. Fundamentally, this movie is a dramatized how-to guide for how to be a wartime photojournalist. As veteran photog Lee (Kirsten Dunst), her colleague Joel (Wagner Moura), ambitious youngster Jessie (Cailee Spaeny), and Lee and Joel’s mentor Sammy (Stephen McKinley Henderson) embed themselves in combat zones, they’re just as vulnerable to bullets and bombs as any soldier or civilian. The big block “PRESS” letters on their vests and van are supposed to relay a message of objective neutrality, one that most (but not all) of the combatants respect.
Thought Number Two: Any viewer expecting Civil War to be a specific warning about the current state of affairs in the United States will likely end up disappointed. This country may be more polarized than it’s been in decades, but the exact nature of that polarization is not exactly reflected in writer/director Alex Garland’s vision. This is simply an alternate possibility of what that division could look like, one that Garland thoroughly declines to offer any explanation for. Even the president (Nick Offerman) remains nameless! Once I accepted that Civil War was going to be light on backstory, I could appreciate its cinéma vérité qualities. Still, I was frustrated by the impenetrable characterization of the people that we do get to know. Although, that was perhaps by design, as Lee and Joel have been hardened by the lesson that they must subsume themselves within their jobs. Weirdly enough, that loss of personality is enough to remind me of how urgent it is to avoid any actual civil war.

Civil War is Recommended If You Like: Primary (1960), Abandoned highway cinematography, Ominous road trips

Grade: 3.5 out of 5 Alliances

Houston*, We Have a ‘Problemista’ (*Pronounced “HOW-stuhn”)

April 9, 2024

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A Problemistamatic Man (CREDIT: A24)

Starring: Julio Torres, Tilda Swinton, RZA, Isabella Rossellini, Catalina Saavedra, James Scully, Laith Nakli, Spike Einbinder, Greta Lee, Larry Owens, Kelly McCormack, Greta Titelman, Megan Stalter

Director: Julio Torres

Running Time: 98 Minutes

Rating: R

Release Date: March 1, 2024 (Theaters)

There’s a problem out there, and it’s not Problemista.

So I just wanted to pop in and say that the American visa and immigration system is kind of crazytown bananapants. (Who among us hasn’t had the odd green card in his or her pants, right?) But at least it inspired Julio Torres to make a pretty good film. It’s about seeing a plan through and finding a kindred spirit through all the cacophony and rancor. Now, let’s go be assertive!

Grade: The Promise of Cryogenics is Alive in Brooklyn

‘First Omen,’ Last Om-out

April 6, 2024

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Is The First Omen a Good Omen? (CREDIT: 20th Century Studios/Screenshot)

Starring: Nell Tiger Free, Ralph Ineson, Sônia Braga, Bill Nighy, Tawfeek Barham, Maria Caballero, Nicole Sorace, Ishtar Currie Wilson, Andrea Arcangeli, Charles Dance

Director: Arkasha Stevenson

Running Time: 119 Minutes

Rating: R

Release Date: April 5, 2024 (Theaters)

The First Omen, the Antichrist did say
Was to certain poor sisters
In cobblestone streets and discos as they lay

Omen, Omen, Omen, Omen
Reborn is the cinema of anti-religion

I have to thank my Uncle Martin for inspiring this review. He’s been penning his own personal parody songs for years (such as “The Girl with Emphysema” instead of “The Girl from Ipanema,” and “Constipation” in the style of “Oklahoma”). Hopefully he’ll go see The First Omen so that we can collaborate to flesh out the rest of the lyrics for the theme song I’ve just concocted. And everybody else should go see The First Omen as well! Great horror!

Grade: 100 Antichrists out of 3 Birth Canals

The ‘Kim’s Video’ Documentary Would Like to Rent Out a Space in Your Heart

April 5, 2024

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Be Kind… (CREDIT: Drafthouse Films/Screenshot)

Starring: Yongman Kim

Directors: Ashley Sabin and David Redmon

Running Time: 85 Minutes

Rating: Unrated

Release Date: April 5, 2024 (Theaters)

If you’re a film buff who spent any time in New York City between 1987 and 2008, then you’re probably familiar with Kim’s Video and Music, the East Village rental store that was famous for its wide selection of obscure (and often bootleg) cinematic offerings. In the documentary Kim’s Video, co-director David Redmon sets out to discover what happened to the joint’s extensive VHS collection. His journey leads him to a town in Sicily and a collaboration with Yongman Kim, aka the “Kim” in “Kim’s Video.” If you’ve visited the Lower Manhattan location of the Alamo Drafthouse movie theater, then chances are you know where this story is ultimately headed

So now, instead of a traditional review, I would like to take this space to reminisce about my own story of growing up at the video store and invite my readers to do so as well in the comments section. I took up residence in NYC too late to become a member of Kim’s, but there were a few rental options for me to check out in suburban southeastern Pennsylvania in the 90s and early 2000s. The nearest and dearest was the local branch of West Coast Video. There was also a Blockbuster in the area, but West Coast was a little bit closer and a little bit cooler. It really only offered new and major releases, so it wasn’t the place where I expanded the depths of my cinematic taste into the bizarre and the unknown, but it certainly served its purpose. It was where I rented Monkeybone, after all. I also have a vague memory of Addams Family Reunion being prominently displayed in the new release shelves for an inordinately long amount of time.

Moving onto my high school and college years, when I would spend a fair amount of time at a friend’s house that was around the block from a Hollywood Video. That chain had what I believe was a loyalty program named “MVP,” which left me flummoxed about why this store was so enamored with a hockey-playing chimp.

Much of Kim’s Video the documentary consists of various movie clips, as Redmon fancies himself the protagonist of all the stories he encountered via his Kim’s Video membership over the years. As someone who tends to live much of my life through a parasocial lens, I could see where he’s coming from, and I reckon I’m not the only one.

Grade: 3.5 out of 5 Rentals

‘Monkey Man’ Review: It’s Dev Patel Vs. India Basically

April 4, 2024

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To monkey, or not to monkey? (CREDIT: Universal Studios)

Starring: Dev Patel, Sharlto Copley, Pitobash, Vipin Sharma, Sikander Kher, Sobhita Dhulipala, Ashwini Kalsekar, Adithi Kalkunte, Makharand Deshpande

Director: Dev Patel

Running Time: 121 Minutes

Rating: R for Brutal Boxing, Gunfire, and Knife Fights and Love and Drugs in the Club

Release Date: April 5, 2024 (Theaters)

What’s It About?: Revenge. It’s not a healthy motivation in life, but it is a surefire cinematic formula. Has Dev Patel struck gold with this evergreen plot in his directorial debut Monkey Man? He’s certainly got the lean and mean torso and a similarly stripped-down screenplay to make his vengeance hum. He stars as Kid, who’s basically an avatar for the entire underclass of India. After his mother is killed when he’s a child, he dedicates the rest of his life to exacting justice against the businessmen and politicians who are responsible. And when he’s not on this warpath, he stays in fighting shape by competing in underground boxing matches while wearing a monkey mask.

What Made an Impression? The Gods Must Be Angry: Monkey Man opens with Kid’s mother telling him the story of Hanuman, a Hindu deity who mistakes the sun for a giant mango and is then punished by the gods when he attempts to snatch it out of the sky. (Interestingly enough, Hanuman kind of looks like Curious George in the picture book that Kid’s mom reads from.) I’m not terribly familiar with Hindu theology, but I tend to enjoy it when a modern tale is undergirded by the rich storytelling tradition of religion and mythology. The powerful of India have been justifying their control of the country in the name of Hinduism for far too long, and it’s time for the Hanumans of the world like Kid to stand up and say enough is enough.
God, It’s Brutal Out There: Dev Patel absolutely takes a beating in Monkey Man, and he makes sure that we feel his pain as well. If I had to define his auteur style after one attempt, it would be “slick and visceral.” Of course, we’ll see if his career becomes more varied if he continues to work behind the camera. But for now, he certainly comes out firing in the first act. When a messy assassination attempt in a fancy bathroom leads to a bloody street chase in the first 20 minutes or so, I thought, “There’s no way they can keep up this pace for the entire two hours.” And well, they don’t, as Patel struggles to keep things compelling in the movie’s quieter moments. That’s hardly surprising, as a story this elemental and pared-down probably would have hit harder in a tight 90 minutes. Still, Patel’s hungriest instincts and loyalty to the little guy make for a mostly rousing accomplishment.

Monkey Man is Recommended If You Like: Kill Bill, John Wick, Kung Fu, The Ramayana

Grade: 3 out of 5 Mangoes

‘Housekeeping for Beginners’ Review: It’s a Queer Old Family Time in Macedonia

April 2, 2024

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A couple of beginners (CREDIT: Viktor Irvin Ivanov/© 2023 Focus Features LLC)

Starring: Anamaria Marinca, Alina Șerban, Samson Selim, Vladimir Tintor, Mia Mustafa, Džada Selim, Sara Klimoska, Rozafë Çelaj, Ajse Useini

Director: Goran Stolevski

Running Time: 107 Minutes

Rating: R for Slurs and Awkward/Raucous Sexuality

Release Date: April 5, 2024

What’s It About?: Queer people often end up in misfit, makeshift families, and it doesn’t get much more makeshift than the one in Housekeeping for Beginners. In this Skopje-set feature from Macedonian-Australian director Goran Stolevski, Suada (Alina Șerban) shares a motley house with her girlfriend Dita (Anamaria Marinca); her two daughters from previous relationships, teenage Vanesa (Mia Mustafa) and kindergartener Mia (Džada Selim); and Dita’s gay friend Toni (Vladimir Tintor). Then there’s Toni’s much younger boyfriend Ali (Samson Selim), who gets to stay in the house after his and Toni’s first hookup. There are also a couple of other young women hanging around, but I’ve got to be honest, I’m not entirely sure who they were. Stolevski just drops us right in the thick of the chaos and leaves us to figure it out on our own! Anyway, the crux of the plot is Suada dying from cancer and leaving Vanesa and Mia in Dita’s care. But Macedonia doesn’t exactly have the most progressive LGBTQ rights, so Dita decides that she and Toni should get married for this to actually work. Alas, this isn’t exactly the steadiest arrangement for everyone involved.

What Made an Impression?: Taking Care of Our Own: Call it a parenting instinct, call it an internal feeling of responsibility, or just call it a fundamental sense of decency. But as soon as Suada passes away, Dita goes into Protective Mom mode, and there is nothing standing in her way. And that’s not because she was looking forward to this! She would have much rather that Suada had fought just a little bit harder to stay alive. And Toni’s even more resistant to playing the part of Dad, but he can’t escape that duty when one of the girls gets into trouble. Meanwhile, Ali immediately bonds with Vanessa and Mia, and while I have no idea how they would or should explain what their relationship to him is, he is also now inexplicably connected to the whole brood. When you live in this house, you’re bound at the core to everyone else, even when (perhaps especially when) they’re being huge pains in the ass.
How to Talk to Your Family: Housekeeping for Beginners isn’t just a quietly urgent plea for queer rights, it’s also standing up for the Romani people, the traditionally nomadic ethnic group that have significant modern populations in much of Europe. Several of the characters are Roma, and everyday discrimination is just a fact of life for them. But there’s plenty of energy – sometimes aggressive, sometimes steely and patient – making it clear that it shouldn’t be that way. There’s also plenty of use of a certain word that is generally considered an ethnic slur for the Roma, as well as plenty of use of an f-word slur for gay people. I don’t feel like it’s appropriate for me to use either of those words, but they are uttered in this movie by people who are close to the characters who fit those categories, as well as those characters themselves. Perhaps an in-group member can get away with that kind of language, although it’s not exactly used in the friendliest way. Although I suppose families don’t always like each other even when they defiantly love each other. And I suspect plenty of viewers will recognize their own families in the one in Housekeeping for Beginners.

Housekeeping for Beginners is Recommended If You Like: Marriage Story, Making one of your friends, Macedonian rock music

Grade: 3.5 out of 5 Marriages

‘Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire’ Has Some Monsters, Some Monster Battles, and Even Some Humans. Does It Amount to Much of Anything?

March 28, 2024

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Godzilla, King Kong [Not Pictured: The New Empire] (CREDIT: Warner Bros. Pictures/Screenshot)

Starring: Rebecca Hall, Kaylee Hottle, Brian Tyree Henry, Dan Stevens, Alex Ferns, Fala Chen, Rachel House

Director: Adam Wingard

Running Time: 115 Minutes

Rating: PG-13 for Monster Fights and Giant Ape Dentistry

Release Date: March 29, 2024 (Theaters)

What’s It About?: A massive ape, a giant lizard, and various other monsters aren’t just myths anymore. They’re full-blown citizens of Earth. So what do human beings think about that? For the most part, they don’t seem to really care. Sure, there are a few stuffy government types who are concerned about the possibility of apocalyptic destruction, but generally in the world of Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire, people are just going about their days. And so are Godzilla and King Kong, in fact, as the most they’re worried about is an infected tooth. But there are other monsters out there who aren’t so satisfied with this relative peace.

What Made an Impression?: The Humans Are (Metaphorically) Dead: The MonsterVerse kicked off with 2014’s Godzilla, which I (and a lot of other viewers) dinged for featuring too little of its titular kaiju and mostly boring human characters. Then years later, this franchise actually does care enough about its homo sapiens to give them motivations and interior lives and even have a few of them return from 2019’s Godzilla Vs. Kong. But the necessity of their presence in The New Empire is rather tenuous. Their storylines are ostensibly connected to each other, but they register as if they’re taking place on completely different planes of reality.
Destroy All Cities: Subpar human storylines need not be a death knell for Godzilla x Kong, as the monster battle royale is the main attraction after all. And on that front, the climactic scrapes reminded me of the most laborious sections of the Transformers movies. Which is to say: they’re an exhausting medley of cacophony. Instead of being thrilled by this orgy, I was mostly left wondering who was going to clean up all the urban destruction. Godzilla, Kong, and their cohorts naturally don’t really care much about that, but it feels like there should be at least a joking acknowledgement of that disinterest, instead of just plodding along to knock over whatever buildings lie in their way. In general, the moments of visual wit are few and far between. There are a few clever needle drops and some psychedelic editing experiments here and there, but that’s all just window dressing on a spectacle that’s pretty impenetrable unless you’re an expert in MonsterVerse lore.

Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire is Recommended If You: always wanted to see Brazilian beachgoers have their days ruined by giant monsters

Grade: 2.5 out of 5 Portals

Book Me a Permanent Seat at the ‘Late Night with the Devil’!

March 26, 2024

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Welcome back! (CREDIT: IFC Films and Shudder)

Starring: David Dastmalchian, Laura Gordon, Ingrid Torelli, Rhys Auteri, Ian Bliss, Fayssal Bazzi, Josh Quong Tart, Georgina Haig, Michael Ironside

Directors: Colin and Cameron Cairnes

Running Time: 93 Minutes

Rating: R

Release Date: March 22, 2024 (Theaters)

Here’s the deal: in the weeks leading up to Late Night with the Devil‘s release, I kept saying the title to the tune of Mötley Crüe’s “Shout at the Devil” in my head. But as that release date crept closer, I switched that rhythm to Van Halen’s “Runnin’ with the Devil.” And it’s remained that way since I’ve seen it. That’s a good sign!

So does that mean I would like to spend my own late night with Mr. Devil? Well, not literally. I try to go to bed by 10:00 PM these days! But if we could make it An Early Evening with the Devil, or even DVR the conversation and save it for The Morning After with the Devil, then let’s pull up a seat and say what we’ve got to say!

Grade: 83 out of 101 Christous

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