Watch And/Or Listen to This: Ty Segall’s “Feel” on Conan

Leave a comment

I mean, seriously? How is this real?

The Collected Madness of Alex Trebek, Volume 11

Leave a comment

Alex Trebek is starting to lose it, and as a public service, I will be posting all the evidence of his insanity.

47. Skrillex, whose name is Yiddish for “toxic pig skin”, became deaf in his right ear while probing a human embryo with the gas-powered congresswoman

48. Oops! Bruce Willis butt-dialed my mother-in-law saying, “Och, bring over your mother & go outside & dig up some tatties”

49. Currently the top 10 baby names for Jewish girls include Inchworm, Happy Nuts, Flimsy Puss, Caterpillar Smokes, Brown Sugar & Desert Dweller

50. Hugh Jackman is a hairy man with one saclike body cavity that looks like an older dog with thick fur who was put to sleep for making a fool of himself

51. OMG! A self-absorbed carpet soaking yoga instructor squeezed out a humorously small sausage equivalent to 1/60 of a belly button

52. The ex-president of Ukraine, James VanDerBeek, often massages weasels in order to extract this foul-smelling waxy secretion that has bridge engineers all over the world screaming, “Whassup!”

The Collected Madness of Alex Trebek, Volume 10

Leave a comment

Alex Trebek is starting to lose it, and as a public service, I will be posting all the evidence of his insanity.

42. Tony Stark builds an armored suit to help Helen Keller escape from Guantanamo Bay in a snowstorm

43. Bill Clinton said that women make the best stink-hole shower gel because they can scrape off the hardened pork like the old-fashioned stuff you’d spread on with a can opener

44. During the George W. Bush presidency, the Secret Service taught drama to fat little pro-slavery bullfighters in preparation for a war with the single-breasted turkeys

45. British people drink snake venom when suffering from alcoholic rage; in the U.S. we tie up a dogie, hoof it across the dance floor & spit. Wow, that’s so weird — I was just thinking about Michael Jackson’s daughter

46. Oh my gosh! Rosie O’Donell’s dog took a crap in her mouth. It helps boost the immune system

The Collected Madness of Alex Trebek, Volume 9

Leave a comment

Alex Trebek is starting to lose it, and as a public service, I will be posting all the evidence of his insanity.

38. Metallica made a whopper of a deal when it paid over $3 billion to switch genders & become the one-armed female peacock

39. Justin Bieber was struck by Selena Gomez’ Muslim dwarf carpenter but recovered and drooled in her older brother’s bikini. Bon appetit!

40. Forget about Benghazi, the White House says 66% of its customers are boisterous, violent, Russian, redneck f-holes who fight off Jewish vampires by arousing Napoleon’s 12″ man-hammer

41. To show remorse after murdering his wife, Chris Brown has merged with al-Qaida to develop this kids’ game where you wear a blindfold & drive a car with Darth Vader’s divorce papers from New York to San Francisco

The Collected Madness of Alex Trebek, Volumes 1-8

1 Comment

Alex Trebek is starting to lose it, and as a public service, I will be posting all the evidence of his insanity.

hold the cheese & pepperoni

1. Channing Tatum takes vodka, cranberry juice, 400 gallons of blood, & a lime wedge; add this fart fruit juice to make it a Seabreeze

2. Steve Carell is a modern day Hitler romantically linked to this kiddie tractor pull. Lovely my dear yet oh so deadly

3. Hey Mr., it’s a small circular breed of dog that stores bile in a Roman Catholic Church

4. This alcoholic beverage is made from the bloodiest Hanukkah oil, but you had to spit with the wind atop a frozen wonder girl

5. Despite a broken leg, Tobey Maguire nailed this Romanian girl with the over 300 year old reticulated slitherer

6. It’s annoying when you _____ this female author’s _____; but helpful when _____ of the _____machines use _____ to make slime… go ahead, make my day

7. This ugly guy, Will Smith (not the black one) can sometimes track down one of these Irish fairies, in this type of marriage

8. J. Lo is slang for someone who communicates by extrasensory means with other Japanese yeast exports

9. Henry Kissinger is also known as this toothy-grinned fruit; searching for this fabled city of horse tornados

10. Adam Levine’s murder of his pregnant, marsh-dwelling girlfriend helps drains this hot ‘n juicy lizard

11. The Portuguese call it goo—goooooooooal a hairstyle using live hedgehogs to reduce the risk of birth defects of the brain and spinal fungus

12. Bjork’s cluelessness about people with diabetes forced this Islamic jihadist rodent to crush her to death with cheese… & had to apologize

13. This body part that sometimes stings when you yank it off, is named it for its odor… and eat it she does

14. Bill Murray & Matt Damon reproduce asexually by means of this body part, with a longer shaft to stabilize your fish hook

15. Lady GaGa’s hogchoker cuts off the ear of a man named Orange Juice, while her arms reach down to grasp the Thunderball

16. Steven Tyler is said to frequent the children’s dungeon, using an orangutan named Zubeneljenubi to disinfect Communist mattresses

17. Ding dong! Shakespeare’s unicorn gets house visits from a naked baby splayed on the hood of a Ferrari calling for brotherhood between Christians & Hitler

18. Israel’s first openly-gay golden retriever named Batman, can swim 45 MPH like a drunk Czech immigrant

19. Oh, noooo…! Canned pineapple chunks can be found in the middle part of Madonna’s underwear because she carried this deadly disease

20. In Catholicism, Jesus is a receptacle for holding pig’s feet for a muscular, tan, bald guy whose names means liquefied meat

21. Oddly, 3 inches wide & 18 inches long, Wolf Blitzer’s banana dancer sparks bushfires that ravage millions of spooky women

22. Horses wear panties for the hearing impaired to communicate with those who don’t understand musical chicken farmers like 50 Cent or Eminem

23. Yum! Starbucks adds shoe polish, blood & phlegm to make insect-infested cupcakes called “Pig Stomach” because it’s environmentally friendly

24. Tom Hanks recently used cocaine to get the shampoo out of the severed head of this newborn child. Oh my God I’m totally wired

25. Joy to the world! Kangaroos & gorillas of German-Jewish descent, snowmobile across pickled sushi for 36 hours to get to this Champagne & dirt island

26. David Hasselhoff traded his half of this German sausage for a band of pear-shaped, alcoholic women, which is weird, because he’s one himself

27. Bum roll! Mel Gibson gets slightly wet, while working on Gary Busey’s tush. “Ugh!” “Down the rabbit-hole…” “Plop plop”

28. Puff Daddy, Puffy, P. Diddy, Shiddy… whatever. He was born with a lumpy body covered with warts

29. Ben Franklin used a genetically altered, gluten-free virgin to prove that sexism weighs as much as a duck

30. Yay! A body-covering garment having a veiled opening for the uterus is worn by Muslim dykes to play Batman on the big screen. Hope you kids enjoy that

31. In an interview with Oprah, Nicolas Cage claimed to have the heart of a mythical warrior; extracting eagle tears to cure writer’s cramp in monkeys & parrots

32. Oh myyy! Miley Cyrus blew 240,000 marsupials by using a vacuum pump in a trailer park, perhaps contributing to her violent hatred of muskrats & mankind

33. If you accidentally super glued your thighs, try rubbing with leftover meat to make Brazilian sandwiches… Uhg! I’ll take a ham sandwich

34. Hold the cheese & pepperoni! George W. Bush milked the Backstreet Boys at his bar mitzvah. It’s a sexy Hebrew hello

35. Hang on tight, Bill O’Reilly extracts fluids from the cobra. Ugh! Just spit it out! Bum badum bum bumbumbum

36. Jesus has a fragrance line called orgiastic chicken wings, which consists of milk, bleach, lemon juice & garlic

37. If you’re pulled over, one thing the officer will ask for is sex with the son of a German wizard because he’d kind of like to know who owns the sac that reduces bone friction

Newer Entries