This Is a Movie Review: The Great Wall

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The Great Wall

This review was originally published on News Cult in February 2017.

Starring: Matt Damon, Jing Tian, Pedro Pascal, Willem Dafoe, Andy Lau, Lu Han

Director: Zhang Yimou

Running Time: 104 Minutes

Rating: PG-13 for Cutting Away Right Before the Blood and Guts Spill Out

Release Date: February 17, 2017

Matt Damon’s prominence in The Great Wall’s ad campaign has caused a bit of a fuss. Is this yet another example of the White Savior complex, come to save the helpless foreigners? In the actual film, Damon is not the leader of the Chinese army that the promos seem to make him out to be. But he does save the day. Although he kind of does so accidentally. Except by the end when he knows exactly what he’s doing. So… you could aim your social justice call-to-arms against The Great Wall, but it would be an awfully silly flick to focus on.

Damon’s presence is essentially an afterthought, despite him being one of the main characters. He may have been part of the story from conception, but this smacks of a business rather than artistic decision, regardless of intention. The Great Wall is already a hit in China, and it would be nice if it could add some bank in the U.S. (and Latin America, thus Damon’s partner is played Chilean-born Pedro Pascal of Game of Thrones and Narcos).

If the white faces are there to add star power, it does not quite work out that way, perhaps because director Zhang Yimou (HeroRaise the Red LanternHouse of Flying Daggers) does not have much experience outside of Chinese martial arts flicks. So the action is rousingly shot (Damon’s archery skills are thrillingly put on display throughout), but the English speakers find their charisma diminished. Luckily, Jing Tian, as the Commander of the Chinese Army, carries a lot of the heavy lifting of dialogue and plot progression, and she knows exactly what she is doing.

To get to the actual meat of this story, this film is concerned very little about cultural imperialism but a great deal about B-movie monsters. It posits that the Great Wall of China was built to keep out not invading Mongol hordes, but rather mythical lizard creatures that indiscriminately eat everything in their path. The character design and relentless ferociousness are fun in a schlocky, Midnight Movie Madness sort of way. (Thank you, Cinematic Gods, that they are not the umpteenth version of giant bug aliens.)

The sci-fi B-movies of the fifties and sixties represented the cultural fears of that era (particularly, nuclear holocaust and the insidious creep of communism). If we apply that same rubric to The Great Wall, then what does China fear in 2017? As it becomes a bigger and bigger player in the world economy, is there concern that the Chinese identity will be eaten up by Western hegemony? Or perhaps these monsters are the Chinese id, and this is a warning to everyone else of the Red Dragon’s Rise. Alas, they prove to have one key vulnerability that ensures their demise, just as this film ends up being a little too disposable to pay it much heed.

The Great Wall is Recommended If You LikeGodzilla, the archery scenes from Lord of the Rings, the Brood from X-Men

Grade: 2.5 out of 5 Grenades

This Is a Movie Review: A Cure for Wellness

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a-cure-for-wellness-car-curvy-shot

This review was originally published on News Cult in February 2017.

Starring: Dane DeHaan, Jason Isaacs, Mia Goth

Director: Gore Verbinski

Running Time: 146 Minutes

Rating: R for Doing Everything It Can to Get Under Your Skin

Release Date: February 17, 2017

A Cure for Wellness is the type of movie I would like to rate 5/5 on the strength of its ambition and singularity of vision but that I must admit its reach exceeds its grasp. It feels like the film that director Gore Verbinski (The RingRangoPirates of the Caribbean) has been waiting his whole career to make. Verbinski has been behind enough hits to have sufficient cachet for a risk here and there, but how he ever convinced a major studio to produce something as dark, disturbing, and inscrutable as Wellness is could prove to be one of the great mysteries in the annals of cinema history.

The whole affair starts out sufficiently intriguing and easy-enough-to-follow: rising financial executive Lockhart (Dane DeHaan) has been sent to the Swiss Alps to retrieve his CEO, who seems to have lost his mind while staying at a resort with a cult-ish devotion among its clientele. He hot dogs his way into the place, expecting to be in and out in time to catch the red-eye back to New York, but a freak accident results in his unwittingly becoming a patient himself. In a way, this is a long, fantastical PSA about the importance of wearing your seat belt.

Lockhart does manage to get in touch fairly quickly with his CEO, who goes on one of those rants about how it is really the world that is sick but then violently shifts to amenability towards going home. Ultimately, though, the status quo stays in place. This elliptical encounter sets the tone for the whole plot.

A Cure for Wellness sets itself up as a classic gothic European castle mystery with a 21st century anarchic twist. There are movies that have strange elements just for strangeness’ sake, but in this case there appear to be more concrete purposes. What is the motivation of chillingly cool and collected facility director (Jason Isaacs)? Who is this girl (Mia Goth) who is so much younger than all the other residents, and why does she receive preferential treatment? What is the deal with the eels? For the most part, each of these questions is sufficiently answered, but the twists may be too unnecessarily stomach-churning for some viewers. Also, the resolution is painfully stretched out – Lockhart is given an absurd number of opportunities to dish out his revenge.

If nothing else, this exercise in ghastliness is worth it for the beautiful cinematography courtesy of Bojan Bazelli. The days are perpetually cloudy, making for a striking mix of drab, foreboding, and sublime. Tableaux are carefully, lovingly designed – an overhead view of water aerobics may be the shot of the year. This is the world in a microcosm, as argued by A Cure for Wellness: ugly, breathtaking, and irrevocably tied to the past.

A Cure for Wellness is Recommended If You Like: The pop philosophy of Fight Club, the creepy crawlies of Slither (2006), the nasty secrets of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Grade: 3 out of 5 Suspect Diagnoses

Son of Zorn 1.12 Review: “The Quest for Craig”

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SON OF ZORN:  L-R:  Cheryl Hines, Tim Meadows, Zorn (voiced by Jason Sudeikis) and Artemis Pebdani in the "Quest for Craig" episode of SON OF ZORN airing Sunday, Feb. 12 (8:30-9:00 PM ET/PT) on FOX.  ©2017 Fox Broadcasting Co.  Cr:  FOX

“You bet your ass I’ll probably be there!” http://www.bubbleblabber.com/review-son-of-zorn-the-quest-for-craig/

The Simpsons 28.14 Review: “Fatzcarraldo”

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THE SIMPSONS: When all the fast food restaurants in Springfield become healthy, Homer turns to the last bastion of greasy food for comfort — and digs up some childhood memories along the way. Meanwhile, Lisa must find a good news story when the future of her school radio station is in jeopardy, on the all-new “Fatzcarraldo” episode airing Sunday, Feb. 12, (8:00-8:31 PM ET/PT) on FOX. THE SIMPSONS ™ and © 2016 TCFFC ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. THE SIMPSONS ™ and © 2016 TCFFC ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. CR: FOX.

“It’s as if Macy’s didn’t sell mace!” http://www.bubbleblabber.com/review-the-simpsons-fatzcarraldo/

SNL Review February 11, 2017: Alec Baldwin/Ed Sheeran

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SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE -- "Alec Baldwin" Episode 1718 -- Pictured: (l-r) Sasheer Zamata and Alex Moffat during the "Russell Stover" sketch on February 10, 2017 -- (Photo by: Caroline De Quesada/NBC)

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE — “Alec Baldwin” Episode 1718 — Pictured: (l-r) Sasheer Zamata and Alex Moffat during the “Russell Stover” sketch on February 10, 2017 — (Photo by: Caroline De Quesada/NBC)

This review was originally posted on News Cult in February 2017.

Love It

Russell Stover Black History Month Heart Shaped Box – Great comedy often arises from the plans of the well-meaning going awry. Offering their black girlfriends a peanut butter-filled George Washington Carver or a Malcolm X fiery with cayenne, the white boyfriends look so eager to please, so intent on getting it right. But it is plain to see that they fail on two levels: romantically and racially. But as insensitive as this particular candy box is, wouldn’t we all want to live in a utopia in which the chocolate version of any historical figure has no unsavory implications?

The pitch meeting for a Cheeto’s ad stretches the social activism of commercials as far as it can go…Jake and Kellyanne are locked in a Fatal Attraction-style tête–à–tête, and may I say, with just a stern look, Beck Bennett is killing his impression of the CNN anchor…Trump takes his case to The People’s Court, which makes me go: hey, remember when Jon Lovitz played the Devil on a People’s Court sketch back in the day? That’s somehow both more and less believable than this…Leslie Wants to Play Trump, and I want to see as many of these dreamy, personal, behind-the-scenes short films as possible.

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What Won TV? – February 5-February 11, 2017

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In this feature, I look back at each day of the past week and determine what shows “won TV” for the night. That is, I consider every episode of television I watched that aired on a particular day and declare which was the best.

christopher-walken-bai-bai-bai

Sunday – There was a football game, and the best part was Christopher Walken singing “Bai, Bai, Bai.”
Monday – Jane the Virgin
Tuesday – New Girl
Wednesday – Legion makes my head go boom.
Thursday – Baskets
Friday – Jeopardy!
Saturday – SNL, especially its celebration of Black History Month

My Favorite Movie Couples of All Time

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princess-bride-westley-buttercup

Right around last year’s Valentine’s Day, I declared to the world my favorite TV couples of all time. So this year, how’s about I do the same thing for movies?!

This list appears to be a little more exclusive than my TV one, perhaps because TV tends to be more intimate.

Anyway, here’s the cream of the crop:

Westley and Buttercup (The Princess Bride)

“AS…

YOU…

WISH!”

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This Is a Movie Review: John Wick: Chapter 2

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JW2_D32_0127.cr2

This review was originally published on News Cult in February 2017.

Starring: Keanu Reeves, Riccardo Scamarcio, Common, Ruby Rose, Ian McShane, Laurence Fishburne

Director: Chad Stahelski

Running Time: 122 Minutes

Rating: R for BANG! BANG! BANG!

Release Date: February 10, 2017

The first John Wick was one of the loudest theatrical experiences I have ever endured. I did not encounter this complaint from anyone else, but I’m fairly certain I was not going insane. It’s possible that this particular auditorium’s sound mix was way out of proportion, but I am intimately familiar with that theater, so that explanation is unlikely. With Chapter 2 now on the way, I can safely say I feel vindicated about calling this franchise the most aurally assaulting around.

This hitman free-for-all kicks off with engines revving and metal crashing in an opening car chase that leaves you no opportunity to get your bearings. You might have enough time to put your hands over your ears, but barely. At least there appears to be a rhythm to the volume – a physical one, that is. In conclusion, I have spent two paragraphs explaining that my favorite part of John Wick: Chapter 2 is how great a massage it gave me, via the vibrations caused by the cacophony. I may have some moral qualms about deriving relaxation from such wanton violence, but this is a patently fantastical universe (despite its lived-in New York trappings), so we can skate around that a bit.

The concepts that the first John Wick introduced to the action genre are ones for the ages. The global hitman battle royale is like a magical underworld that exists within the shadows. Plus, the hotel serving these assassins, in which all killing is forbidden, with Concierge Lance Reddick whisking us in, is a rich setup for comic relief. But it was all undone by sloppy editing that I could not believe an otherwise sophisticated flick thought it could get away with. Maybe a new hand on the controls is just what was needed, as Evan Schiff takes over for Elísabet Ronalds, and there is a whole lot more patience in the cuts. If Keanu Reeves is going to shove a pencil in one guy’s ear and another guy’s neck, we want to be able to see it. And in Chapter 2, we see EVERYTHING.

John Wick films are less about plot and more about setup. In this edition, Wick is forced to repay his debt, but it proves to be a trick to make him vulnerable. This is all just an excuse to get to the action, and it is effective. Wick’s reputation is an almost supernaturally skilled killer, often discussed in hushed tones and referred to as “The Boogeyman.” Yet his actual name is also repeated ad infinitum. The highest compliment I can pay this movie is that the action is so relentlessly intense that that lapse in logic does not matter.

John Wick: Chapter 2 is Recommended If You Like: The first John Wick But Wish It Had Been Edited Better, Laurence Fishburne Shouting to the Heavens

Grade: 3.5 out of 5 Million Dollar Bounties

Billboard Hot Rock Songs – Week of February 18, 2017

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Each week, I check out the Billboard Hot Rock Songs chart, and then I rearrange the top 25 based on my estimation of their quality.

Original Version
1. twenty one pilots – “Heathens”
2. Fitz and the Tantrums – “HandClap”
3. twenty one pilots – “Ride”
4. X Ambassadors – “Unsteady”
5. Kaleo – “Way Down We Go”
6. Lil Wayne, Wiz Khalifa, & Imagine Dragons with Logic, Ty Dolla $ign ft. X Ambassadors – “Sucker for Pain”
7. The Lumineers – “Ophelia”
8. Imagine Dragons – “Believer”
9. Rag’n’Bone Man – “Human”
10. Zach Williams – “Chain Breaker”
11. The Lumineers – “Cleopatra”
12. Green Day – “Still Breathing”
13. twentyonepilots – “Heavydirtysoul”
14. The 1975 – “Somebody Else”
15. Judah & the Lion – “Take It All Back”
16. Kings of Leon – “Waste a Moment”
17. John Mayer – “Love on the Weekend”
18. Highly Suspect – “My Name is Human”
19. blink-182 – “She’s Out of Her Mind”
20. The xx – “On Hold”
21. The Revivalists – “Wish I Knew You”
22. NEEDTOBREATHE – “Testify”
23. John Mayer – “Moving On and Getting Over”
24. Skillet – “Stars”
25. Bishop Briggs – “Wild Horses”

Jmunney’s Revision
1. Human
2. My Name is Human
3. Way Down We Go
4. Unsteady
5. Heavydirtysoul
6. Wild Horses
7. Somebody Else
8. On Hold
9. Ride
10. Ophelia
11. Heathens
12. Wish I Knew You
13. Waste a Moment
14. Cleopatra
15. Believer
16. Take It All Back
17. Still Breathing
18. Moving On and Getting Over
19. HandClap
20. Stars
21. She’s Out of Her Mind
22. Love on the Weekend
23. Sucker for Pain
24. Testify
25. Chain Breaker

Billboard Hot 20 – Week of February 18, 2017

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Each week, I check out the Billboard Hot 100, and then I rearrange the top 20 based on my estimation of their quality.

Original Version
1. Ed Sheeran – “Shape of You”
2. Migos ft. Lil Uzi Vert – “Bad and Boujee”
3. Zayn and Taylor Swift – “I Don’t Wanna Live Forever (Fifty Shades Darker)”
4. Machine Gun Kelly x Camila Cabello – “Bad Things”
5. The Chainsmokers ft. Halsey – “Closer”
6. Maroon 5 ft. Kendrick Lamar – “Don’t Wanna Know”
7. The Weeknd ft. Daft Punk – “Starboy”
8. Drake – “Fake Love”
9. Rae Sremmurd ft. Gucci Mane – “Black Beatles”
10. Alessia Cara – “Scars to Your Beautiful”
11. The Chainsmokers – “Paris”
12. Bruno Mars – “24K Magic”
13. Ariana Grande ft. Nicki Minaj – “Side to Side”
14. Rihanna – “Love on the Brain”
15. Big Sean – “Bounce Back”
16. The Weeknd ft. Daft Punk – “I Feel It Coming”
17. Aminé – “Caroline”
18. DJ Snake ft. Justin Bieber – “Let Me Love You”
19. Migos – “T-Shirt”
20. Jon Bellion – “All Time Low”

Jmunney’s Revision
1. Scars to Your Beautiful
2. Black Beatles
3. Starboy
4. Side by Side
5. I Feel It Coming
6. Love on the Brain
7. T-Shirt
8. Closer
9. Shape of You
10. 24K Magic
11. Paris
12. Bad and Boujee
13. Bounce Back
14. I Don’t Wanna Live Forever (Fifty Shades Darker)
15. All Time Low
16. Bad Things
17. Let Me Love You
18. Caroline
19. Fake Love
20. Don’t Wanna Know

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