‘First Omen,’ Last Om-out

April 6, 2024

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Is The First Omen a Good Omen? (CREDIT: 20th Century Studios/Screenshot)

Starring: Nell Tiger Free, Ralph Ineson, Sônia Braga, Bill Nighy, Tawfeek Barham, Maria Caballero, Nicole Sorace, Ishtar Currie Wilson, Andrea Arcangeli, Charles Dance

Director: Arkasha Stevenson

Running Time: 119 Minutes

Rating: R

Release Date: April 5, 2024 (Theaters)

The First Omen, the Antichrist did say
Was to certain poor sisters
In cobblestone streets and discos as they lay

Omen, Omen, Omen, Omen
Reborn is the cinema of anti-religion

I have to thank my Uncle Martin for inspiring this review. He’s been penning his own personal parody songs for years (such as “The Girl with Emphysema” instead of “The Girl from Ipanema,” and “Constipation” in the style of “Oklahoma”). Hopefully he’ll go see The First Omen so that we can collaborate to flesh out the rest of the lyrics for the theme song I’ve just concocted. And everybody else should go see The First Omen as well! Great horror!

Grade: 100 Antichrists out of 3 Birth Canals

Movie Review: ‘Godzilla: King of the Monsters’ Delivers What it Promises, But It’s a Huge Mess

May 30, 2019

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CREDIT: Warner Bros./YouTube

Starring: Kyle Chandler, Vera Farmiga, Millie Bobby Brown, Bradley Whitford, Sally Hawkins, Charles Dance, Ken Watanabe, Thomas Middleditch, Aisha Hinds, O’Shea Jackson Jr., David Straitharn, Ziyi Zhang

Director: Michael Dougherty

Running Time: 132 Minutes

Rating: PG-13 for Monster-on-Monster Smashing and Even Some Human-on-Human Violence

Release Date: May 31, 2019

As promised, there are plenty of massive beasts in Godzilla: King of the Monsters, but there are also a lot of human beings, and they’ve got plenty on their to-do list. They debate which monsters are friends and which are foe, and they retrieve some objects that may or may not be MacGuffins, and honestly I could not make heads or tails of what they’re trying to do. This is a murderer’s row of heavy hitters wading through incomprehensibility. That’s not necessarily a dealbreaker, though, because when you come to see a Godzilla movie, you’re there for the monsters.

But here’s the thing: the fight scenes are just as incoherent! They’re distressingly dark, and edited way too quickly to make sense of what is going on. Every once in a while, there’s a really satisfying chomp or smackdown, but for the most part the splendor of the kaiju is obscured by too much visual clutter. King of the Monsters put me most in mind of the third Transformers flick, Dark of the Moon, a good chunk of which was an interminable clash of metal on metal. King of the Monsters is marred by sound design that is just as off-putting. In theory, I can understand why people would enjoy Godzilla getting into a battle royale with Mothra, Rodan, and the like a lot more than I can understand the appeal of robots clanging against each other. But this numbing onslaught is far from the best that this genre can offer.

Godzilla: King of the Monsters is Recommended If You Like: Non-stop giant monster battles

Grade: 2 out of 5 Roars

This Is a Movie Review: Me Before You

July 1, 2016

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MeBeforeYou

Me Before You is half romance, half euthanasia PSA. Will Traynor (Sam Claflin) is generally cold, but thoughtful towards the people he likes. Louisa Clark (Emilia Clarke) is cheery, but forceful. Thus, they are a perfect match, just so long as they can spend enough time to truly get to know each other. Alas, Will has been rendered paraplegic by an accident, and he is convinced that dying with dignity is his best option, so he sets about proving, in his own stubborn way, that he can treat his loved ones well as possible as he works to leave them behind. It is certainly not an easy message to swallow, but there is plenty of charm (watch out for the bumblebee tights) to make it a pleasant viewing experience.

Much of Me Before You involves characters getting to the bottom of things, which translates to a lot of scenes of looking at computer screens and reading books. These are particularly uncinematic activities, but Emilia Clarke does her best to overcome that. Her face acting is unreal. You have never seen someone process information as intensely as Louisa Clark does. It is even more striking than her fashion sense, which is, well, as striking as striking can be. It all adds up to an unusual mix of relentless, upbeat, and ominous. That’s basically a compliment.

I give Me Before You 6.5 Sessions of Physical Therapy out of 10 Overwhelming Outfits.