I Have Reached My Final Destination of Ranking the ‘Final Destination’ Movies

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CREDIT: YouTube Screenshots

The best horror movies are the ones where you actually care about the characters, even though the fun of horror movies often has to do with the sadistic glee of reveling in fictional blood and guts. The Final Destination franchise reconciles this paradox by making the whole premise about the Grim Reaper gradually catching up to the heroes, thereby making Death the real hero, or at least the main attraction. At their cores, these movies don’t make a lick of sense (why do people who have never before displayed supernatural powers suddenly have premonitions of horrible accidents that allow them to save themselves and their friends only to eventually die anyway?), but they have their moments that produce some delightfully pulpy thrills. Thus, I present to you a reflection of how well each entry embraces its destiny.


‘Countdown’ is Mostly Whatever Except When It Gets Its Demon-Fighting Groove On

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I love dorky PG-13 horror movies like Countdown. They only occasionally transcend the trappings of their formula, but they almost always have their shameless pleasures. I enjoy giving myself over to silly yet potentially evocative premises like an app that tells its users exactly how soon they are going to die. Am I fooled into believing that such an app could actually exist and be accurate? No, but I’m happy to pretend that I am. And I look forward to discovering the circumstances that make the main characters believe. The trouble comes when these pictures devolve into people just running around and screaming at each other, and that happens too often in Countdown. But then PJ Byrne shows up as a man of the cloth who got into the religious lifestyle because of the prospect of fighting demons, and he might just be the best cinematic priest I’ve ever seen.

I give Countdown 25 Demon-Fighting Latin Texts out of 50 Frantic Runs Through a Hallway.