A Few Sentences to Read If You’re Thinking About Staying at the ‘Haunted Mansion’

August 13, 2023

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A Haunting in Mansion (CREDIT: Walt Disney Studios/Screenshot)

Starring: LaKeith Stanfield, Rosario Dawson, Owen Wilson, Tiffany Haddish, Danny DeVito, Chase W. Dillon, Jared Leto, Jamie Lee Curtis

Director: Justin Simien

Running Time: 122 Minutes

Rating: PG-13

Release Date: July 28, 2023 (Theaters)

The titular abode in Haunted Mansion doesn’t strike me as particularly scary, but it does look like a hell of a ride. So honestly I wouldn’t mind an overnight stay there. It’s mostly safe, with some rocking and swaying, and the threat of death is nbd. Maybe this is how Scorsese felt when he compared Marvel to amusement parks?

Grade: You Can Let Me In, But I Won’t Stay Too Long

‘Clerks III’: The Middle-Aged, Post-Heart Attack Version

September 8, 2022

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That’s so Clerks … III (CREDIT: Lionsgate)

Starring: Brian O’Halloran, Jeff Anderson, Trevor Fehrman, Austin Zajur, Jason Mewes, Kevin Smith, Rosario Dawson, Amy Sedaris

Director: Kevin Smith

Running Time: 100 Minutes

Rating: R for Casual Potty Mouths

Release Date: September 13, 2022 (In Theaters September 13-18)

What’s It About?: Are Dante Hicks and Randal Graves stuck in purgatory? Or maybe they’re happy to still be working at the Quick Stop nearly 30 years after we first checked in with them. Randal (Jeff Anderson) is certainly his same happy-go-lucky self, but maybe he should take things a little more seriously, since Clerks III does start with him having a heart attack. But instead of focusing on eating healthy and exercising, he decides to direct a movie about life as a convenience store clerk. Uh-oh, is Kevin Smith making a stealth remake of his own signature film? Kinda-sorta, as there are plenty of in-jokes and callbacks, but he’s actually more concerned about just giving his characters some proper story arcs. So while Dante (Brian O’Halloran) gets roped into the whole production, he’s also pining after a now-deceased Becky (Rosario Dawson), while Jay (Jason Mewes) and Silent Bob (Smith) are still hanging out, and there’s also a whole lot of talk about crypto and NFTs.

What Made an Impression?: I’ve never seen the first Clerks, though it’s not for lack of interest. (It’s on my long to-watch list, I promise!) But I have seen Clerks II, every episode of the short-lived animated series, and now Clerks III. From my vantage point, it’s almost as if Numero Uno exists in a completely different universe. It emerged in black & white during the indie boom of the early 90s, and then II was released in the summer of 2006 as a crisp studio comedy. Now the third one is opting for a roadshow tour alongside a limited-time wide theatrical release. If you’re wondering why Clerks III even exists, it’s because Kevin Smith just wanted to make another one for all the people who have supported him over the years.

Considering the circuitous preproduction path and untraditional release strategy, it might be a little surprising how straightforward the plot is. Randal has a big idea, everyone else bands together to make it happen, then he and Dante have a falling out, and finally the whole crew ultimately realizes what’s truly important. This is by-the-books comedy feature writing, nothing revolutionary about it. And that’s okay! Sometimes we just want to check in on our friends and see how they’re doing. And if you can throw in a running gag about size anxiety, go for it. It might be a little juvenile, sure, but it’s also open-minded and comforting. In conclusion, I chuckled here and there, I soaked up the bonhomie, and I was happy to live another day.

Clerks III is Recommended If You Like: Late 90s/Early 2000s Alt-Rock, Shameless celebrity friend cameos, Eternal youth evolving into something a little more adult

Grade: 3 out of 5 Moobys

‘Zombieland: Double Tap’ is at Its Best When It Fully Embraces Its Possible Irrelevance

October 16, 2019

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CREDIT: Sony/Columbia Pictures

Starring: Jesse Eisenberg, Woody Harrelson, Emma Stone, Abigail Breslin, Zoey Deutch, Rosario Dawson, Luke Wilson, Thomas Middleditch, Avan Jogia

Director: Ruben Fleischer

Running Time: 93 Minutes

Rating: R for All the Fluids That Spew Out in the Zombie Apocalypse

Release Date: October 18, 2019

There’s a running gag throughout Zombieland: Double Tap in which Tallahassee (Woody Harrelson) attempts to secure the title of “Zombie Kill of the Year.” He can never seem to quite pull it off, as his companion Columbus (Jesse Eisenberg) is on hand to helpfully inform us of some other recent dispatch of the undead that was just a little more impressive. This begs the question, in a post-apocalyptic world in which all mass communication has been decimated, how is word about these kills spreading so quickly and seamlessly? By Columbus providing this info via voiceover narration, there is an implication, perhaps unintentional, that he is somehow omniscient. Or maybe the conceit is that he is telling us this story years later, although that does not appear to be the case, what with the sense of immediacy to his dictation.

This is not the most worrisome concern to have, but it does stand in contrast to the original Zombieland, in which everything clicked into place just so, both comedically and logically. Double Tap has several elements like this that feel important but ultimately aren’t terribly so. The jokes are given greater emphasis, but even more essential is an investigation into a nagging sense of malaise. How do you go on living in a world overrun by zombies when killing zombies has become second nature? In addressing this question, the ten years that have passed since the first Zombieland are actually an advantage.

While people do die and new zombies are turned in this world, we are never worried that the makeshift family of Columbus, Tallahassee, Wichita (Emma Stone), and Little Rock (Abigail Breslin) will fall victim to the carnage. And they seem to know it. They’re living it up in the White House, treating every day like it’s Christmas, but that sense of security is only engendering mid-life, or quarter-life, crises. Columbus and Wichita especially are struggling with the realization that they have already accomplished all they need to in life by their thirties. I wish that the script had dug into these neuroses a little more deeply, but this movie works as well as it does because this malaise is the foundational conflict.

Now, to fully enjoy Double Tap, you’ll have to have a pretty big appetite for the same self-aware self-deprecating jokes being told over and over and a full embrace of certain stereotypes that have already been thoroughly deconstructed. But there’s a lot more melancholy than you might expect from a past-it-sell-by-date carnage-filled zom-com. If that’s not quite a Zombie Endorsement of the Year, it’s at least enough to assure us that our undead imaginations haven’t been fully depleted yet.

Zombieland: Double Tap is Recommended If You Like: Staring into the void, while repeating your favorite jokes over and over again

Grade: 3 out of 5 Rules

This Is a Movie Review: Unforgettable

April 20, 2017

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This review was originally published on News Cult in April 2017.

Starring: Rosario Dawson, Katherine Heigl, Geoff Stults

Director: Denise Di Novi

Running Time: 100 Minutes

Rating: R for Impromptu Bathroom Sex and Bloody Carpets

Release Date: April 21, 2017

When Sia’s “Bird Set Free” played at the end of The Shallows, it was one of the most cathartic cinematic moments of 2016. Domestic-revenge thriller Unforgettable bungles the proper order of things by playing this inspirational ballad over the opening credits. This ode to finding yourself in your own melodies is perfect for that moment when the lead character has gotten through all her hardships and is starting anew. This is actually how we are introduced to Julia Banks (Rosario Dawson), who is moving to a new city and getting engaged in the wake of escaping an abusive relationship, but the impact of that exuberance can only be felt mildly without experiencing those troubles alongside Julia.

Strangely enough, though, what Unforgettable most gets right is its pacing. That execution is essential, because otherwise this would just be the latest disposable Fatal Attraction copycat. And at first glance, Unforgettable appears to be totally forgettable. But that may be by design. Julia’s fiancée is conventionally handsome David (Geoff Stults), and David’s ex Tessa (Katherine Heigl) is still in the picture because they share custody of their daughter (Isabella Rice). Tessa clearly wants David back, because of what we assume to be run-of-the-mill jealousy but eventually reveals itself as stone cold, high camp psychopathy.

This might be the most self-aware performance Heigl has ever given. Certainly the script (by Christina Hodson and David Leslie Johnson) stealthily reveals itself to be playing off of her toxic reputation. Heigl’s string of ’00s rom-coms were alternately insipid and hateful; Unforgettable presupposes that maybe she was just being engineered to be a merciless killer the whole time.

In the question of nature vs. nurture, the latter seems to be the answer in this case, as Tessa’s obsessions are in large part the result of Mommie Dearest/Stepford-style engineering from Mom Cheryl Ladd. Tessa tries to present herself as simply high-strung, but the cracks gradually reveal themselves. Relatively mildly cutting dialogue like “Do you miss when Mommy and Daddy lived together?” eventually gives way to referring to her daughter as “living, breathing, perfect cement” and finally a climax in which she greets someone in bloody pain with, “You’ve handled this very poorly.” Sometimes, you just have to pull that ponytail tight and embrace the demon within.

Unforgettable is Recommended If You Like: Lifetime movies, Carrie, Allison Williams’ performance in Get Out

Grade: 3 out of 5 Knives to the Heart