Will ‘Marry Me’ Make Us Merry?

February 10, 2022

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Marry Me (CREDIT: Barry Wetcher/Universal Pictures)

Starring: Jennifer Lopez, Owen Wilson, Maluma, John Bradley, Sarah Silverman, Chloe Coleman, Michell Buteau, Stephen Wallem, Jimmy Fallon, Jameela Jamil, Utkarsh Ambudkar

Director: Kat Coiro

Running Time: 112 Minutes

Rating: PG-13 for Fairly Mild Profanity

Release Date: February 11, 2022 (Theaters and Peacock)

Where does Marry Me the movie place in my rankings of pop cultural uses of that particular matrimonial phrase? Its opponents of course includes Maeby Fünke’s usage of it as a catchphrase on Arrested Development to deflect anyone and everyone’s suspicions about her actual age. And it’s also the title of indie rocker St. Vincent’s 2007 debut album (which was itself named after AD). So clearly the competition is pretty stiff! It’s even stiffer when you consider that there’s a song called “Marry Me” that’s performed multiple times in the movie. So in that sense, the film is competing against itself for Marry Me-dominance!

Okay, folks, I’m not going to jerk you around any longer: Arrested Development wins my vote for best use of “Marry Me.” But this new romantic comedy still has its own particular charms that are worth considering.

The premise is a modern day fairytale: Jennifer Lopez plays Kat Valdez, a pop superstar not too dissimilar from J. Lo herself. She’s all set to marry her musical/romantic partner Bastian (Colombian singer Maluma) in an extravagant onstage ceremony, but when she discovers that he’s been cheating on her, she suddenly chooses a random concertgoer in the form of single dad Charlie Gilbert (Owen Wilson) as a replacement groom. Their union is legally legit, but everything else is just for show for the tabloids and the Instagram-viewing masses, at least initially. Charlie hardly knows Kat anyway, as he was only at the show since his tween daughter Lou (Chloe Coleman) is a fan. He might also be the epitome of modern fiction’s social media-agnostic stock character, and if that character is going to be played by someone as effortlessly charming as Wilson, then I’m here for it!

Marry Me really comes alive in the quiet two-hander moments when it’s just Lopez and Wilson on screen. His advice about the publicity machine being B.S. might be simple and far from revolutionary, but it’s also tender and wonderfully supportive. “Support” is really the key word here, as both Charlie and Kat are surrounded by endlessly loyal friends who know just how to nudge things in the right direction. And in addition to all that, there’s a subplot about a middle school math contest, with Charlie as a coach and Lou as one of the mathletes. So therefore I must say, if back in 2001 when I was in seventh grade, Jennifer Lopez had randomly shown up at one of my math contests, that would have been pretty cool. And while a movie version of that scenario might not be quite as magical as the real-life hypothetical, it’s still something I’m happy to have experienced.

Marry Me is Recommended If You Like: Dreaming the Improbable Dream, Turning the cameras off to have a conversation, Math puns

Grade: 3 out of 5 Pi-thons

I Saw ‘Free Guy’ and Then ‘Don’t Breathe 2’ Immediately Afterwards: Here’s What Happened

August 15, 2021

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CREDIT: Sony Pictures; 20th Century Studios/Screenshots

Free Guy:

Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Jodie Comer, Joe Keery, Utkarsh Ambudkar, Lil Rel Howery, Taika Waititi, Channing Tatum

Director: Shawn Levy

Running Time: 115 Minutes

Rating: PG-13

Release Date: August 13, 2021 (Theaters)

Don’t Breathe 2:

Starring: Stephen Lang, Madelyn Grace, Brendan Sexton III

Director: Rodo Sayagues

Running Time: 98 Minutes

Rating: R

Release Date: August 13, 2021 (Theaters)

In Free Guy, good vibes beget more good vibes. When Guy the NPC gains self-awareness, he focuses on self-improvement, and that leads to all the other NPCs in Free City becoming better versions of themselves, and even some of the real people playing the game start to adopt a more positive view of the world. As it turns out, that tendency was in Guy’s programming all along. He’s got a fantastically complicated algorithm that allows for so many wondrous possibilities. It’s infectious, even for a Ryan Reynolds skeptic like me.

Contrast that with Don’t Breathe 2, in which hate begets more hate. The first Don’t Breathe effectively toyed with our sympathies regarding Stephen Lang’s blind Norman; the sequel tries to do the same, but his negative characteristics are a bit too overwhelming to fully root for him. (Also, his blindness isn’t utilized to the same thrilling effect.) Furthermore, the people who target him this time around have a sympathetic reason for doing so, but basically every action they take in the name of their mission is pretty despicable. At least the young girl isn’t similarly hate-filled – there’s no Bad Seed vibes here. But otherwise, the blood and the pain just pile up and pile up.

GRADES:
Free Guy: 4 out of 5 Skins
Don’t Breathe 2: 2 out of 5 Light Switches

Super-Relatable for Runners of All Racing Stripes: ‘Brittany Runs a Marathon’ Review

August 21, 2019

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CREDIT: Amazon Studios

Starring: Jillian Bell, Utkarsh Ambudkar, Michaela Watkins, Micah Stock, Lil Rel Howery, Alice Lee

Director: Paul Downs Colaizzo

Running Time: 103 Minutes

Rating: R for Some Fun and Sexy Times in Between the Marathon Training

Release Date: August 23, 2019 (Limited)

Brittany Forgler (Jillian Bell) has never been much of a fan of exercise, but somehow she finds herself training for the New York City Marathon mere months after she first takes up running. I’ve been running since I was in sixth grade, and my current goal is to complete the 2020 New York City Marathon. Our origins are very different, and yet we are one and the same.

Brittany Runs a Marathon understands certain core tenets about running, particularly that no matter how in shape or out of shape of you, the next challenge is always daunting. And no matter how much running becomes a part of your routine, the next run still feel sublime. That’s important, as it makes up for the fact that much of the non-running moments of this movie are kind of soul-crushing. As we watch Brittany make her way through the gig economy and deal with roommate issues and learn how to be an adult who regularly visits the doctor, we mostly get a cinematic effort that’s about at the level of a dimly lit sitcom, or a dramedy of malaise, or what have you. But when Brittany conquers the huffing and the puffing and the indiscriminate sweat as she makes her way through the five boroughs, a bit of transcendence manages to sneak up on us.

Brittany Runs a Marathon is Recommended If You Like: Cheering on runners of all skill levels

Grade: 3 out of 5 Sweat Patches

This Is a Movie Review: ‘Game Over Man’ Posits: What If ‘Die Hard,’ But with a Scene of Analingus?

March 23, 2018

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CREDIT: Cate Cameron/Netflix

This review was originally posted on News Cult in March 2018.

Starring: Blake Anderson, Adam DeVine, Anders Holm, Utkarsh Ambudkar, Neal McDonough, Jamie Demetriou, Aya Cash, Rhona Mitra, Sam Richardson, Daniel Stern

Director: Kyle Newacheck

Running Time: 98 Minutes

Rating: Not Rated, But It Would Be a Hard R for Nudity Leading to Violence, Leading to More Violence (Basically Both Naked and Clothed Bodies Are Mutilated and Exploded)

Release Date: March 23, 2018 (Streaming on Netflix)

Suppose you want to shamelessly rip off Die Hard. It’s a reasonable enough desire. Plenty of folks have done it already. It was practically its own sub-genre for a while there. The knockouts have tapered, but the original is still there for new generations to discover and grow up loving. Thus the Workaholics trio of Blake Anderson, Adam DeVine, and Anders Holm have delivered to the bowels of the Netflix original realm Game Over, Man! in which the height of action thriller cinema is crossed with video game excess. What results is less a narrative movie and more a bizarre wish fulfillment fantasy.

Instead of off-duty cop John McClane, Game Over, Man! gives us The Dew Crew, three hotel workers thus named because of their affinity for a certain soft drink (even though we almost never see them drinking any Mountain Dew). Fashioning themselves entrepreneurs, they attempt to get financing for their “Skintendo Joysuit” (basically a full-body video game controller) from a vulgar celebrity (Utkarsh Ambudkar) partying at the hotel, but that is all derailed, of course, by a team of big-time thieves.

The Dew Crew get the McClane role by virtue of happenstance keeping them away while all the hostages are rounded up. So of course we know they will end up saving the day, but it is a wonder that they do not end up killing themselves instead. DeVine, for one, can never get beyond the mindset that they are in a real-life video game, as he remains singularly focused on getting the kill that the other two have already achieved. Anderson and Holm manage to have a little more awareness of the severity of the situation, but their survival is still mostly attributable to coincidence.

Anderson, DeVine, and Holm have clearly been given free rein to be as graphic as possible, and they take full advantage o. Body parts are variously mutilated and exploded, while there is plenty of male nudity, including one detached member that plays a pivotal climactic role. The shock routine is clearly meant to draw the laughs out, but the trouble is, there is no zest, no finesse to the deployment. Extremity for extremity’s sake can serve the purpose of disrupting snobbish tastes, but when you have an already receptive audience (which the Netflix algorithm will work to ensure), the effect is just numbing.

Game Over, Man! is Recommended If You Like: Excessive Violence and Excessive Comic Nudity

Grade: 2 out of 5 Vapes