CREDIT: The CW/YouTube
On the July 8, 2019 episode of Whose Line is it Anyway?, Wayne Brady and Chip Esten performed “Duet” in the style of Cabaret along with special guest Elizabeth Gillies. The topic was “lactation consultant.” The resulting number was so incredible that I just had to record the lyrics for posterity. (And prosperity!)
Wayne:
It’s that time
I feel my hormones jumping (Elizabeth and Chip: Jumping)
Time to open wide
Get these mammaries pumping (Elizabeth and Chip: Pumping)
And now I do not know
The end result
How do I work these?
Who will consult?
Please
Somebody please
Consult me (Elizabeth and Chip: Ooh ooh ooh ooh)
Chip:
I have a question
I have a hesitation
I need to consult about lactation
I’m very scary
Very, very scary
Any time I’m talking
Talking ’bout the dairy
But I know I don’t know
Where my wife went
Elizabeth:
Here I am.
Chip:
2 percent
Elizabeth:
2 percent
Wayne: I know what.
Elizabeth: What?
Wayne:
You should consult us.
Tell us please
Alleviate our breast-station
Tell us about
All of the lactation
Elizabeth:
Well,
Since I’m the only one here
Who can do it (Wayne: Do it)
I’m gonna keep it
A secret
Wayne: What?
Wayne: Tell me please!
Elizabeth: No!
Wayne: Oh!
Elizabeth: No!
Chip: Ooh!
Elizabeth: No!
Chip: Please
Elizabeth: Oh no! All right!
Wayne: Please! Tell!
Elizabeth: No!
Wayne: No?
Elizabeth: No!
Wayne: Please?
Elizabeth: Well
Wayne: Breasts?
Elizabeth: No
Wayne: No?
Elizabeth: No
Chip:
What could it harm?
I once lived on a farm
Elizabeth: You did?
Chip: I did!
Elizabeth: Well this makes things very different.
Wayne:
Does it have a battery?
Pump automatic
Hanging to my knees
National Geographic
Elizabeth:
There’s no battery
It does not hang to your knees
Do you have a question
For me?
Chip:
Hmm!
Trying to think what won’t
Get me sued
Wayne: Lactation! (Elizabeth and Chip: Lactation!)
Chip:
Here’s my question.
When you have a baby (Elizabeth: [squeak])
Does it make you laugh? (Elizabeth: What?)
Do you put the baby on both?
Is it half and half?
Elizabeth:
No! Usually,
You just pick one (Chip: Ah!)
The better one, you know
You can tell which one
Wayne:
And if you have a baby
It comes out smooth like silk
And if you’re dark like me
Do you make chocolate milk?
Wayne and Chip: Consulting!
Wayne: Consulting, tell me who’s
Wayne and Chip: Consulting!
Chip: It’s not insulting!
Elizabeth: No!
Wayne: Lactate consul-
Wayne and Chip: -ting!
Chip: Lactate
All: Consulting
Jan 14, 2020 @ 13:49:50
Posterity – it’s a different word with its own meaning (not record the lyrics for ‘prosperity’). Feel free to delete this comment after reading! Xx
Jan 14, 2020 @ 14:44:46
Thanks for the catch! I guess this was a case of autocorrect or some similar culprit, although I like what the inadvertent “prosperity” implies.
Jan 15, 2020 @ 18:34:20
Actually, now that I try to think back to where my head was back in July, that may have been an intentional malapropism. Good eye either way, though!
Jan 15, 2020 @ 18:29:49
Your page has hit the Lactation Circuit! I’m actually the IBCLC that yelled out the suggestion. Thanks for doing this, bookmarking your page. Dawn Bower, IBCLC
Jan 15, 2020 @ 23:02:47
Ah, very cool! I was wondering why I had a bunch of new views all of a sudden.