CREDIT: The CW/YouTube

On the July 8, 2019 episode of Whose Line is it Anyway?, Wayne Brady and Chip Esten performed “Duet” in the style of Cabaret along with special guest Elizabeth Gillies. The topic was “lactation consultant.” The resulting number was so incredible that I just had to record the lyrics for posterity. (And prosperity!)

It’s that time
I feel my hormones jumping
(Elizabeth and Chip: Jumping)
Time to open wide
Get these mammaries pumping
(Elizabeth and Chip: Pumping)
And now I do not know
he end result
How do I work these?
Who will consult?
Somebody please
Consult me
(Elizabeth and Chip: Ooh ooh ooh ooh)

I have a question
I have a hesitation
I need to consult about lactation
I’m very scary
Very, very scary
Any time I’m talking
Talking ’bout the dairy
But I know I don’t know
Where my wife went

Here I am.

2 percent

2 percent

Wayne: I know what.

Elizabeth: What?

You should consult us.
Tell us please
Alleviate our breast-station
Tell us about
All of the lactation

Since I’m the only one here
Who can do it
(Wayne: Do it)
I’m gonna keep it
A secret

Wayne: What?

Wayne: Tell me please!

Elizabeth: No!

Wayne: Oh!

Elizabeth: No!

Chip: Ooh!

Elizabeth: No!

Chip: Please

Elizabeth: Oh no! All right!

Wayne: Please! Tell!

Elizabeth: No!

Wayne: No?

Elizabeth: No!

Wayne: Please?

Elizabeth: Well

Wayne: Breasts?

Elizabeth: No

Wayne: No?

Elizabeth: No

What could it harm?
I once lived on a farm

Elizabeth: You did?

Chip: I did!

Elizabeth: Well this makes things very different.

Does it have a battery?
Pump automatic
Hanging to my knees
National Geographic

There’s no battery
It does not hang to your knees
Do you have a question
For me?

Trying to think what won’t
Get me sued

Wayne: Lactation! (Elizabeth and Chip: Lactation!)

Here’s my question.
When you have a baby (Elizabeth: [squeak])
Does it make you laugh? (Elizabeth: What?)
Do you put the baby on both?
Is it half and half?

No! Usually,
You just pick one
(Chip: Ah!)
The better one, you know
You can tell which one

And if you have a baby
It comes out smooth like silk
And if you’re dark like me
Do you make chocolate milk?

Wayne and Chip: Consulting!

Wayne: Consulting, tell me who’s

Wayne and Chip: Consulting!

Chip: It’s not insulting!

Elizabeth: No!

Wayne: Lactate consul-

Wayne and Chip: -ting!

Chip: Lactate

All: Consulting