CREDIT: Rosalind O’Connor/NBC

Hello world, it’s time for me to post my review of the fifth episode of the forty-fifth season of Saturday Night Live. Kristen Stewart is hosting for the second time ever. I thought she was promoting Seberg, which is looking like it’ll be a pretty small release, even as far as small releases go. But then I remembered that she’s also going to be in the latest edition of Charlie’s Angels, which comes out soon. And Coldplay (the coldest of bands? certainly not the most playful) is the musical guest for, wow, the sixth time. That’ll have you thinking about the passage of time.

The opening scene took place at an Elizabeth Warren Town Hall (Grade: 2.5/5 Trillion Taxes), and I think I would have liked it better as an actual Warren campaign event instead of a comedy sketch. K-Stew took some questions and answers from the audience for her Monologue (Grade: Too Much Awkward), or rather, she asked the audience questions. The logic tracks! America at War (Grade: 2.5/5 Rivets) allowed our ladies to be as crude as they like to be – you can’t stop ’em! The main lesson of Duolingo for Talking to Children (Grade: Plenty of Practical Usefulness) appears to be – and listen closely, it’s a simple one – is just say “cool” a lot. The Farrow & Ball (Grade: Some of the Colours of the Interior Design Rainbow) paint commercial (?) is basically an excuse for Aidy Bryant to be silly with her pronunciations, and sometimes, you gotta let people do what they like to do.

Around this point, I set down my breakfast plate for consumption. It included plenty of scrambled eggs, a raspberry scone, and some toasted cinnamon bread. I keep letting you guys know what I’m eating while watching SNL. I guess this doubles as a food blog – what do you know! Anyway, this meal proved to be a fine accompaniment to Cecily Strong’s latest co-starring performance with a canine actor, and damn, the Hero Dog Press Conference (Grade: 4/5 Belly Rubs) is the latest evidence that this show really gets dog logic.

The “Corporate Nightmare” (Grade: 3/5 Young Punks) is a predictable enough (with a twist!) pastiche on the likes of Good Charlotte or early Green Day, but of course its closest antecedent is Sum 41’s timeless anti-conformity anthem, “Fat Lip.” After the SNL players got a chance to sing, it was time for Coldplay to sing, and their rendition of “Orphans” (Grade: Tons of Fun!) gave us some audience participation, and that is always something to be thankful for. Sidebar: is the plain white T-shirt the best rock ‘n’ roll concert uniform?

I enjoyed how Colin made Rudy Giuliani’s lack of face ID a tragedy. As for the rest of Update, Melissa’s bit as five-year-old Kid Genius Riley Jenson (Grade: Fear of Failure) seemed genius-ish enough, but she felt older than five. Heidi as her pressure-pushing mom seemed perfectly logical, though. And uh-oh, Vaneta and Wylie Starkie (Grade: Too Much Fish for Colin) are back. Kate and Aidy sure are allowed to be silly together a lot, aren’t they? At this point, Weekend Update was over, but the show was allowed to continue. And thank God continue it did, because the sketch about the Hungry Jury (Grade: 3.75/5 Deadlocks) featured a bunch of empty stomachs rumbling to the tune of Ginuwine’s “Pony,” and that’s as appetizing as it sounds.

The scene at the Nightclub (Grade: 3/5 Sex Sessions Around Pans) with K-Stew trying to proposition a confused older couple played by Kenan and Ego started out pleasantly, but then the twist ending had me going, “Wait a minute, that doesn’t make any sense!” Guess what? Coldplay got to play a second song! This one, “Everyday Life” (Grade: I Prefer Faster) is a little slower, and I’m not sure if Chris Martin’s plain white T is as apt a fit this time, but it still looks good. And as for our very last sketch of the night, it’s a Stargazing Hike (Grade: 3.5/5 Big Dips), and it features the cosmos teaching us the value of pleasuring our partners, and you can’t go wrong with that as a nightcap (or late morning cap, if you’re watching the next day like me).

We’ve got a rerun next week, and then on the 16th, Harry Styles will get to go in two directions as he hosts AND musical guests.