‘The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard’ Review: Stay for the Hitman’s Wife, Avert Your Eyes for Everything Else

June 14, 2021

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The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard (CREDIT: David Appleby/Lionsgate)

Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Samuel L. Jackson, Salma Hayek, Frank Grillo, Antonio Banderas, Morgan Freeman

Director: Patrick Hughes

Running Time: 100 Minutes

Rating: R for A Generally Violent and Highly Sexual Lifestyle

Release Date: June 16, 2021 (Theaters)

Bodyguard Michael Bryce’s therapist has advised him to take a sabbatical … BUT OBVIOUSLY THAT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN! He’s the lead character in an action comedy sequel in which he’s the constant victim of physical and emotional abuse, after all. But what if The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard were just about him having a relaxing vacation? Honestly? I’d check it out. But of course that’s a tough sell in a summer blockbuster season. But that doesn’t mean the action has to be quite as relentless as it is. It’s hard to laugh when guns are constantly being fired from all over everywhere! Thank God for Salma Hayek and her occasionally kooky line readings.

If you haven’t seen the original Hitman’s Bodyguard, pretty much all you got to know is that Bryce was left traumatized during his time protecting super-notorious hitman Darius Kincaid. Considering that Bryce is played by Ryan Reynolds and Kincaid is played by Samuel L. Jackson, it’s not hard to immediately buy into this dynamic. The former’s exasperated quippiness and the latter’s dangerously cackling coolheadedness make for maximum combustibility. If you like your comedy with a constant background threat of deadly sniper shots and exploding cars, then this is the movie for you. But for me, that’s pretty much exactly the wrong energy for a fun time at the cinema, and I imagine I’m not alone in that preference.

But it’s not a total wash, and the new interloping title inhabitant is the reason why. Kincaid’s wife Sonia (Hayek) is the one who “hires” Bryce this time around, and that hiring is very much in quotation marks because the reason she thinks that her husband would ever want this guy’s services again is based on a profoundly stupid misunderstanding. But somehow in the midst of everything aggravating going on, Hayek manages to have some fun. In the few instances of downtime and introspection, she manages to puncture the moment with her loopy approach to social niceties and life in general. Most of Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard is dangerous and headache-inducing. Sonia Kincaid at least is dangerous and chuckle-against-your-better-judgment-inducing.

The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard is Recommended If You Like: Deadly projectiles whizzing by as you go about your day

Grade: 2 out of 5 Gelatos

That’s Auntertainment! Karaoke Korner 20

June 13, 2021

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Rock ‘n’ Roll Alert! The Karaoke Korner lineup this time around comes courtesy of Jeff’s cousin Rory, and with RHCP, Weezer, and Tool on tap, you might just want to bop your head and sing along.

Entertainment To-Do List: Week of 6/11/21

June 11, 2021

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The Celebrity Dating Game (CREDIT: Craig Sjodin/ABC)

Every week, I list all the upcoming (or recently released) movies, TV shows, albums, podcasts, etc. that I believe are worth checking out.

Movies
–In the Heights (Theaters and HBO Max)
–Censor (June 11 in Theaters, June 18 On Demand)

TV
–Tuca & Bertie Season 2 Premiere (June 13 on Adult Swim) – Should I watch Season 1 first?
–The Celebrity Dating Game Series Premiere (June 14 on ABC) – Zooey Deschanel and Michael Bolton finally team up!
–Card Sharks Season Premiere (June 16 on ABC)
–Holey Moley 3D in 2D Season Premiere (June 17 on ABC)
–The Hustler Season Premiere (June 17 on ABC)

Music
-Danny Elfman, Big Mess
-Garbage, No Gods No Masters
-Sleater-Kinney, Path of Wellness

‘In the Heights’ Review: Washington Heights is So Hot Right Now

June 9, 2021

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In the Heights (CREDIT: Warner Bros. Pictures/YouTube Screenshot)

Starring: Anthony Ramos, Melissa Barrera, Corey Hawkins, Leslie Grace, Olga Merediz, Daphne Rubin-Vega, Jimmy Smits, Gregory Diaz IV, Stephanie Beatriz, Dascha Polanco, Noah Catala, Lin-Manuel Miranda, Marc Anthony, Christopher Jackson

Director: Jon M. Chu

Running Time: 143 Minutes

Rating: PG-13 for Young Adults and Older Adults Dealing with Adult Stuff

Release Date: June 10, 2021 (Theaters and HBO Max)

How could anyone possibly sing and dance on the streets of Manhattan as the temps creep up into the high 90s? This is the conundrum that In the Heights forces us to face. Sure, it’s a musical, and its attendant heightened reality isn’t meant to represent literal truth. But the vibe of this movie-based-on-a-Broadway-show is very much “This is what life is really like in the neighborhood of Washington Heights.” So how to explain it? Well, the heat can make people do some pretty irrational things. And you can get away with a few bouts of illogic here and there if you’re generally focused on friends and family.

So just who are these Washington Heights-ians in the midst of a heat wave and looming blackout in this movie musical based on the stage musical by Lin-Manuel Miranda and Quiara Alegría Hudes (the latter of whom also wrote the screenplay)? First off, there’s Usnavi (Anthony Ramos), Navi for short, a young bodega owner who’s looking to buy himself a plot of land in the Dominican Republic. Then there’s his teenage cousin Sonny (Gregoy Diaz IV), who could really use some documentation to firm up his immigration status. Also hanging around the bodega is his good buddy Benny (Corey Hawkins), who really ought to make things right with Nina (Leslie Grace), who’s buckling under the pressure of being the first one in her family to make it to college. Most of that pressure is coming from her kind-of pushy dad Kevin (Jimmy Smits), who never met a financial pickle he wouldn’t crunch his way out of. And then strolling right through is Vanessa (Melissa Berrera), who’s keen on starting a fashion design career while also making sure that Navi isn’t too much of a dingus for the two of them to consummate their obvious feelings for each other. Finally, looking over it all with grace and a steady heart is Navi’s abuela Claudia (Olga Merediz). And I cannot fail to mention that LMM is also present on screen as the local shaved ice cart pusher who has an only-in-New York rivalry with the neighborhood Mr. Softee ice cream truck driver (fellow Hamilton alum Christopher Jackson).

This story all plays out via the framing device of Navi telling the tale to a quartet of kids on the beach several years later. And that’s obviously the right sort of vibe. The older generation tells the younger generation stories of their families that happened before they were born so that they know where they came from. And I love to see it, because I am just innately fulfilled by keeping track of how people are related to each other and who’s friends with whom. In the Heights doesn’t need to have song-and-dance numbers to pull off that energy, but because it is a musical, I know that these characters’ familial, romantic, and platonic emotions are indeed larger than life.

Remember at the beginning of this review when I mentioned how senseless it is to be moving your body in the midst of the mucky Manhattan heat? Let me clarify: I’m not mad at In the Heights for that. Sometimes it makes sense to be senseless, especially when you’re in a city that’s not exactly designed to offer relief for that rising mercury AND you’re in the midst of a days-long massive power outage. Hopefully in this situation, you have enough brain cells to take care of what you need to take care of, and the thrill of In the Heights is making sure that these characters maintain the minimum number of brain cells. (Barest of Spoiler Alerts: They do.)

In the Heights is Recommended If You Like: Hamilton, Step Up 3D, Family reunions

Grade: 3.5 out of 5 Lottery Tickets

‘The Misfits’ Serves Run-of-the-Mill Heist Energy, But Nick Cannon is Kind of Dang Compelling

June 8, 2021

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The Misfits (CREDIT: YouTube Screenshot)

Starring: Pierce Brosnan, Hermione Corfield, Nick Cannon, Rami Jaber, Jamie Chung, Mike Angelo, Tim Roth

Director: Renny Harlin

Running Time: 94 Minutes

Rating: R for Some Loose-Lipped Language Here and There

Release Date: June 11, 2021 (Theaters)/June 15, 2021 (On Demand)

The best way I can possibly enjoy The Misfits is by pretending that it’s an unusually elaborate episode of The Masked Singer. How else to explain TMS host Nick Cannon teaming up with Pierce Brosnan for a globetrotting heist? That’s the sort of maniacal thinking that happens around an elaborate display of costumed singing celebrities, not a major action blockbuster directed by Renny Harlin. And after all, like The Masked Singer, The Misfits opens with some tone-setting narration from Cannon. Here’s a sample line from the latter that could very easily be at home on the former: “Funny thing about safety deposit boxes: ain’t nothin’ safe about ’em.” For the uninitiated, it’s not hard to imagine a Safety Deposit Box costume on the next season of The Masked Singer. (In case you haven’t already figured it out, I’m a major Masked Singer devotee.)

Okay, I suppose I should spend at least some of this review describing the actual plot in some detail. Despite what the opening scene might lead us to believe, the focus is not primarily on Cannon, even though his character’s name is Ringo. (And he makes a big deal out of how much he loves his namesake Beatle!) Instead, the main character is Brosnan as some fellow named Richard Pace, who gets wrangled into the whole heist scheme by his estranged daughter Hope (Hermione Corfield). Then he meets up with the rest of the crew, who are just as anti-complementary with each other as the title implies. Then as with a lot of crime flicks, I’m not entirely sure what’s actually going on, although I’m pretty sure Tim Roth is the mark. Also, they head to somewhere in the Middle East that I’m pretty sure is fictional (“Jazeristan”?), and yeah, this isn’t exactly the most sensitive movie. Oh well, at least it’s thoroughly lightweight.

Anyway, my biggest takeaway from The Misfits is that I like Nick Cannon’s energy, and I’m not sure I would’ve said that 10 or 20 years ago, although it was probably true then as well. Or at least it’s now true in retrospect. He’s certainly not immune to the aforementioned insensitivity, but despite some missteps here and there, I feel like I’m in good hands with him if I’m promised a good time. Does that make me a fellow Misfit? I don’t know, probably not. It’s doubtful that I’ll be spending very much mental space on this movie for much longer. But I do also love Ringo (the Beatle), so there is that.

The Misfits is Recommended If You Like: Nick Cannon’s emcee energy, Ocean’s Lite, Fast and Furious Lite

Grade: 2.5 out of 5 Heists

‘Censor’ Invites Us Into a Trippy, Bloody Good Time

June 7, 2021

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Censor (CREDIT: Maria Lax/Magnet Releasing)

Starring: Niamh Algar, Michael Smiley

Director: Prano Bailey-Bond

Running Time: 84 Minutes

Rating: Unrated, But It’s Pretty Gory as Befitting the Subject Matter

Release Date: June 11, 2021 (Theaters)/June 18, 2021 (On Demand)

I imagine the inspiration for Censor came about while writer-director Prano Bailey-Bond was watching David Cronenberg’s body horror classic Videodrome and thought, “We need another movie like that.” And I can’t be mad at how lovingly Censor wears that influence on its sleeve, as I 100% agree with that sentiment. Let me shout it so that everyone in the back can hear: there aren’t enough movies emulating Videodrome! There should be more! Especially when one of them ensconces itself within the moral panic of Britain’s 1980s “video nasties” era. This is a time and a place when some bloody, bloody fantastical violence is being passed around by the kids – could it somehow burst out of those videocassettes?

If there’s someone at risk of that happening to, it doesn’t appear to be film censor Enid, at least not when we first meet her. She operates with a seen-it-all attitude towards the potentially objectionable content she encounters in her job, and if you’re the type of moviegoer inclined to watch something like this, you probably feel much the same way. But she has a distinct psychological vulnerability: the long-ago, not-fully-explained disappearance of her sister. Feelings of guilt and protectiveness bubble back up and become overwhelming when she’s declared dead in absentia and Enid encounters a video in her work that seems to mirror this past trauma. What follows is a mystery-unraveling journey reminiscent of 8MM, but much more personal and surreal. Throw in some supernatural flair very much a la The Ring, and we’ve got ourselves our very own full-flavored 21st Century Video Nasty.

And now I’ll conclude with a goofy thing I like to occasionally do when reviewing a film, in which I ask if it has convinced me to want to do the thing that it is about. So then, does Censor make me want to be a film censor? In a way, I’m already inclined towards such a pursuit. It’s not that different from being a critic, after all. Both involve thorough analysis and serve the purpose of guiding audiences towards a well-informed decision. So yeah, if the MPAA or some other film board needs some extra help, I wouldn’t mind being called to duty, especially if it means I get to have a trippy sidequest like Enid’s (although I’d prefer it if it weren’t so deadly).

Censor is Recommended If You Like: Videodrome, 8MM, Trading gory cult classics with your friends

Grade: 3 out of 5 Video Nasties

That’s Auntertainment! Mini-Episode: 2021 Jeopardy! Tournament of Champions

June 6, 2021

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This week’s mini-episode is an edition of “That’s Dad-ertainment,” as Bob Malone joins his son Jeff to discuss their favorite moments from the 2021 Jeopardy! Tournament of Champions.

The Devil Made Me Go See ‘The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It,’ But Not the Devil Referenced in the Title

June 5, 2021

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The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It (CREDIT: Warner Bros. Pictures/YouTube Screenshot)

Starring: Vera Farmiga, Patrick Wilson, Ruairi O’Connor, Sarah Catherine Hook, Julian Hilliard, John Noble, Eugenie Bondurant, Shannon Kook

Director: Michael Chaves

Running Time: 112 Minutes

Rating: R

Release Date: June 4, 2021 (Theaters and HBO Max)

Can a horror franchise be comfort food? It certainly can be for weirdos like me. Especially if the franchise in question is The Conjuring Universe. Whenever I see Vera Farmiga and Pat Wilson as Lorraine and Ed Warren, it’s like checking in with old friends. (I’m also pleased to see Shannon Kook return as their assistant Drew!) They confront some evil, and we know they’re going to defeat it eventually – there’s no tension there! The appeal is seeing them being endlessly supportive of each other. There’s also some familiar comfort with my old Fringe buddy John Noble swinging by. And while I’m not too familiar with the rest of the cast, perhaps I will be someday, and we can then look back and laugh about all those times we slayed those demons!

Grade: Enough Evil, Could Have Used Slightly More Romance (Even Though There’s Plenty)

Entertainment To-Do List: Week of 6/4/21

June 4, 2021

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Wow, Loki. (CREDIT: Marvel Entertainment/YouTube Screenshot)

Every week, I list all the upcoming (or recently released) movies, TV shows, albums, podcasts, etc. that I believe are worth checking out.

Movies
–The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It (Theaters and HBO Max)

TV
–Celebrity Family Feud Season Premiere (June 6 on ABC)
–The Chase Season Premiere (June 6 on ABC) – “The Beast” joins Ken, Brad, and James.
–To Tell the Truth Season Premiere (June 6 on ABC)
–Loki Series Premiere (June 9 on Disney+) – Wow.

Music
-Liz Phair, Soberish
-Rise Against, Nowhere Generation
-Rostam, Changephobia
-Wolf Alice, Blue Weekend

Memorial Day Weekend 2021 at the Movies Report: Nobody Puts ‘Cruella’ in ‘A Quiet Place Part II’

June 1, 2021

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(CREDIT: Jonny Cournoyer/Paramount Pictures; Disney/YouTube Screenshot)

A Quiet Place Part II:

Starring: Emily Blunt, Millicent Simmonds, Noah Jupe, Cillian Murphy, Djimon Hounsou, John Krasinski

Director: John Krasinski

Running Time: 97 Minutes

Rating: PG-13

Release Date: May 28, 2021 (Theaters)

Cruella:

Starring: Emma Stone, Emma Thompson, Joel Fry, Paul Walter Hauser, Mark Strong, Emily Beecham, Kirby Howell-Baptiste, Kayvan Novak, Tipper Seifert-Cleveland

Director: Craig Gillespie

Running Time: 134 Minutes

Rating: PG-13

Release Date: May 28, 2021 (Theaters and Disney+ Premier Access)

A Quiet Place Part II is pretty much more of the same. It’s not exactly the same, as we do get a flashback to right before the aliens arrive, and the Abbott family makes their way to a couple of new locations. But the vibe is very much a continuation, and the feelings it produced in me are pretty much exactly the same as they were the first go-round. Ergo, I will be giving it the exact same grade as I gave the first one.

Meanwhile, Cruella gave me pretty dang different reactions to every previous version of Ms. de Vil. A mashup of 101 Dalmatians, The Devil Wears Prada, and the Flight of the Conchords song “Fashion is Danger,” this is a triumph of getting down with your own bad self. Emma Stone … has got It. Emma Thompson … has got It. Costume designer Jenny Beavan … has outdone herself. That classic rock soundtrack is perhaps a little too dang relentless, though. But that’s the energy of the Cruella vs. Baroness Fashion War! It demands your attention, and more often than not, it earns it.

GRADES:
A Quiet Place Part II: 3.5 out of 5 Shushes (3 Years Old Version)
Cruella: 40 Quick-Changes out of 50 Dresses

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