‘Gladiator II’ Review: Come for the Son of Maximus, Stay for the Animals and the Denzel

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The Gladiator and the Scene-Stealer (CREDIT: Paramount Pictures)

Starring: Paul Mescal, Denzel Washington, Pedro Pascal, Joseph Quinn, Fred Hechinger, Connie Nielsen, Lior Raz, Derek Jacobi

Director: Ridley Scott

Running Time: 148 Minutes

Rating: R for Warriors and Beasts Ripping Each Other Apart

Release Date: November 22, 2024 (Theaters)

What’s It About?: Maybe one day there will be a time when all men will be free in Rome, but today is not that day. Lucius Verus (Paul Mescal) is just trying to live a relatively carefree life with his wife, but then the Roman army shows up. He makes a valiant attempt to defend his city, but instead he’s captured and forced into slavery. Perhaps that was always going to be his inescapable fate all along, considering that he’s the son of Maximus Decimus Meridius, the titular gladiator from the first Gladiator. He ends up in the hands of Macrinus (Denzel Washington) and becomes Rome’s new favorite plaything after displaying his prodigious combat skills. There might also be a reconciliation with his mother (Connie Nielsen) along the way, or perhaps he will just make a series of cynical philosophical declarations in between his stints in the arena.

What Made an Impression?: They Are Not Animals… But What If They Were?: There are a lot of characters to keep track of in Gladiator II. Maybe if you think about Ancient Rome all the time and/or you re-watch the first Gladiator every single day, it might be easy for you to keep up. But for someone like myself whose interest in this setting is much more casual, I can’t pretend that I was able to keep track of all the details. But what did leave an indelible impression were the beasts: specifically the pack of baboons let loose upon the gladiators. They are surely CGI creations, but I felt them as viscerally as any practical effect. And I guess I wasn’t terribly familiar with what exactly baboons look like, or at least not feral ones, because these particular baboons struck me as rather canine in nature. Did the Island of Dr. Moreau wander into Rome for a minute? If so, it was a welcome addition.
Chewing the Colosseum: I just spent the last paragraph making it sound like I didn’t care for any of the human actors, but there are actually a few exceptions. As co-emperor brothers Geta and Caracalla, Joseph Quinn and Fred Hechinger provide the requisite depravity. But the major highlight is unsurprisingly the indefatigable Denzel Washington. It shouldn’t come as any surprise at this point in his career that he’s able to deliver a scene-stealing performance. And I’m not surprised. But what he’s doing here is no less impressive for how expected it is. Every line reading and every simple gesture is oozing finely calibrated personality. He’s the MC guiding us through this barbarism, making it clear how anyone and everyone could ever be seduced by a world that only speaks in violence.

Gladiator II is Recommended If You Like: Laughing at all the violence because that’s the only way to feel

Grade: 3 out of 5 Sandals

‘Red One’ Keeps It Icy for Christmas

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Oh, by the way, which one’s Red? (CREDIT: Amazon MGM Studios)

Starring: Chris Evans, Dwayne Johnson, Lucy Liu, J.K. Simmons, Kiernan Shipka, Bonnie Hunt, Reinaldo Faberlle, Kristofer Hivju, Nick Kroll, Wesley Kimmel, Mary Elizabeth Ellis, Marc Evan Jackson

Director: Jake Kasdan

Running Time: 123 Minutes

Rating: PG-13 for Combat Between Humans, “Elves,” Talking Polar Bears, and Krampus

Release Date: November 15, 2024 (Theaters)

What’s It About?: Jack O’Malley (Chris Evans) has been a devoted cynic ever since he figured out before all the other kids that Santa Claus was a myth. So it was only natural that he would grow up to be a mercenary hacker and a deadbeat dad. So imagine his surprise when head of North Pole security Callum Drift (Dwayne Johnson) shows up at his home and informs Jack that his shenanigans are partly responsible for the kidnapping of Saint Nick (J.K. Simmons) himself. This being a Christmas movie and all, mythological holiday creatures are very real, and Callum and his colleagues are responsible for making sure that naughty listers like Jack don’t screw things up. Trouble is, Callum is contemplating retirement as the naughty list threatens to grow longer than the nice list, perhaps eternally. So you know, multiple characters in Red One are in a position to rediscover the Christmas spirit.

What Made an Impression?: Santa, Santa Claus, Where Are You?: Just because Santa Claus is kidnapped, that doesn’t matter that he has to be a minor character in his own movie. But alas, Red One makes the puzzling decision to keep J.K. Simmons stowed away for the vast majority of its running time. His captor is a shapeshifting ogre played by Kiernan Shipka – surely they could have thrown an hour’s worth of zingers back at each other! And honestly this is one of the more interesting cinematic Santas I’ve seen in quite a while: basically a jacked zaddy who pumps iron to refill all the calories he burns on Christmas Eve. The Christmas cheer in Red One is fairly generic, but there’s no need to convince anyone that this St. Nick is worth saving.
A Little Bit of This, Some of That Guy, Then We Go Home: Red One left me feeling a little blue, or maybe even gray, but it wasn’t for lack of effort or ideas. There’s a bit about how toy stores are portals for North Pole workers, Nick Kroll shows up as a shady middleman for the Christmas baddies, and there’s some grounded interplay between Jack and his ex (Mary Elizabeth Ellis). It’s all pleasant enough to serve as background entertainment as you make your way through your Advent calendar, though it lacks the pizzazz to inspire the same yuletide rediscovery that Jack and Callum are destined for. Although, if somebody posts a series of behind-the-scenes videos of J.K. Simmons Claus pumping even more iron, then perhaps it will have all been worth it.

Red One is Recommended If You Like: A movie that seems like it should be going straight to Netflix ending up on the big screen

Grade: 2.5 out of 5 Bench Presses

It’s ‘Blitz’ Movie Review

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Calling in the Blitz (CREDIT: Apple TV+)

Starring: Elliott Heffernan, Saoirse Ronan

Director: Steve McQueen

Running Time: 120 Minutes

Rating: PG-13

Release Date: November 1, 2024 (Theaters)/November 22, 2024 (Apple TV+)

Now that I’ve seen Blitz, the new film written and directed by Steve McQueen, I’m going to rank some famous types of blitzes:

5. The bombing Blitz of London: I’m sure grateful that I was fortunate enough not to live through this!
4. Blitz the Movies: The movie about the bombing Blitz has some elements that are worth recommending. Maybe I would’ve liked it more if I were British.
3. Football Blitzing: This is an exciting strategy, but it can be dangerous.
2. It’s Blitz! by Yeah Yeah Yeahs: This album features “Heads Will Roll.”
1. NFL Blitz the Video Game Series: Totally buckwild.

Grade (for the Movie): 7 Trains out of 11 Odysseys

‘Juror #2’ Takes Us to Court and Asks: What Would You Do?

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TFW you’re Juror #2 (CREDIT: Warner Bros. Pictures/Screenshot)

Starring: Nicholas Hoult, Toni Collette, Zoey Deutch, Chris Messina, Gabriel Basso, J.K. Simmons, Amy Aquino, Leslie Bibb, Cedric Yarbrough, Francesca Eastwood, Adrienne C. Moore, Chikako Fukuyama, Zele Avradopoulos, Drew Scheid, Kiefer Sutherland

Director: Clint Eastwood

Running Time: 114 Minutes

Rating: PG-13

Release Date: November 1, 2024

I sure wouldn’t want to end up in the same predicament as Justin Kemp (Nicholas Hoult), the titular Juror #2 of Juror #2. Watching the movie about him is already stressful enough! But maybe it’s a good way for us to prepare ourselves in case we ever find ourselves in the scenario in which we realize that we might be guilty of the crime at the heart of the trial we’re on the jury of, or a similar situation. It would still be a dilemma, make no mistake about it, but at least one we’ve now been able to visualize.

Grade: 10 Not Guiltys out of 2 Guiltys

‘Music by John Williams,’ Review by jmunney

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Johnny be good. (CREDIT: Disney Plus/Screenshot)

Starring: John Williams and His Friends, Collaborators, and Admirers

Director: Laurent Bouzereau

Running Time: 105 Minutes

Rating: PG

Release Date: November 1, 2024 (Disney+ and Limited Theaters)

If you’ve been reading my reviews for a while, you probably know that my reviewing strategy often consists of asking, “Would I like to exist within the parameters of what this movie is all about?” In the case of the documentary Music by John Williams, that question takes the form of: “Would I like one of the most acclaimed movie music composers to compose a soundtrack about me?” And the answer is: of course I would! With such well-documented, extensive talent, I’m sure he could do a good job.

But the trickier question is, would John Williams actually want to write music about me? Obviously, it would be an unrealistically backbreaking workload for him to craft scores for every single one of his fans. But if fate somehow twisted its way towards connecting the two of us, I’d imagine he would have the multi-genre savvy to pull it off. And this documentary is evidence of that.

Grade: 77 Million Emotions out of a Thousand Notes

‘Weekend in Taipei’ Invites Us to Reignite Old Flames and Take Down the Big Drug Kahuna!

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When in Taipei… (CREDIT: Ketchup Entertainment)

Starring: Luke Evans, Gwei Lun-mei, Sung Kang, Wyatt Yang, Tuo Tsung-hua, Lu Yi-ching, Patrick Lee

Director: George Huang

Running Time: 101 Minutes

Rating: R for Mostly Guns, Some Smoke Bombs, Plus the Odd Sword and Grenade

Release Date: November 8, 2024 (Theaters)

What’s It About?: DEA Agent John Lawlor (Luke Evans) is on the hunt for a big fish that he’s been hunting for years: cartel boss Kwang (Sung Kang), who holds all of Taipei in his iron grip. Unbeknownst to Lawlor, Kwang is married to Joey (Gwei Lun-mei), a very skilled driver who, unbeknownst to Kwang, had a passionate fling with Lawlor 15 years later. But Joey isn’t in love with Kwang, as she just married him for the protection that he offered. Alas, her teenage son Raymond (Wyatt Yang) is fed up with this arrangement and is determined to expose the evidence that can finally bring Kwang down. Meanwhile, Lawlor has been advised by his superiors to lay low and go on vacation, but he instead takes the opportunity to fly East and finally finish off Kwang once and for all, with all of these converging threads setting up an awkward and passionate reunion.

What Made an Impression?: Love and Practicality over Pettiness: Weekend in Taipei revs itself up with the standard high-speed luxury vehicle chases and heavy artillery shootouts, but its true reason for being is its ever-beating heart. John and Joey’s affair isn’t the most passionate you can find in this genre, but I appreciate how maturely it’s handled. The deceit of working undercover and the oceans between them initially doomed them, but now fate has intervened with another chance. So they vent their resentments and regrets, but soon enough they mutually realize that they’d actually like to handle things differently, thank you very much. Thus, they make a pact of No More Secrets, a formula for success in romance and maybe for taking down a drug lord as well.
Goosing the Goons: Besides Evans and Lun-mei making goo-goo eyes at each other, Weekend in Taipei‘s menu includes Sung Kang stewing in a constant boil of (occasionally quiet, occasionally violent) rage and Wyatt Yang displaying an appropriate amount of younger-generation frustration. But what I want to focus on right now are the henchmen. Kwang’s goons are mostly pure muscle who get gradually mowed down, while Lawlor by contrast teams up with a couple of dudes who are fairly competent but are much interested in chowing down on takeout in their hotel. Honestly, this movie could have used more talking-and-eating scenes. Tuo Tsung-hua fulfills a similar role as a lollipop-sucking police detective. Other than that, maybe you’ll enjoy a mini-Fast & Furious reunion whenever Evans and Kang are on screen together.

Weekend in Taipei is Recommended If You Like: Cars, Guns, and Fishing Villages

Grade: 2.5 out of 5 Ferraris

What to Do When You Find Yourself ‘Here’

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What’s the best way to get Here? (CREDIT: TriStar Pictures/Sony Pictures Entertainment)

Starring: Tom Hanks, Robin Wright, Paul Bettany, Kelly Reilly, Michelle Dockery, Gwilym Lee, Ophelia Lovibond, David Fynn, Leslie Zemeckis, Jonathan Aris, Daniel Betts, Harry Marcus, Lily Aspell, Joel Oulette, Dannie McCallum, Nicholas Pinnock, Nikki Amuka-Bird, Cache Vanderpuye, Anya Marco Harris, Mohammed George, Zsa Zsa Zemeckis, Dexter Sol Ansell, Stuart Bowman, Lauren McQueen, Beau Gadsdon, Albie Salter

Director: Robert Zemeckis

Running Time: 104 Minutes

Rating: PG-13

Release Date: November 1, 2024 (Theaters)

Would I like to live in the house from Here? A lot of people lived there, some for decades, others for just a few years. But what about me? Well, after watching the movie, I kind of feel like I did live there, if only for a little while. I imagine that’s the feeling that Robert Zemeckis & Co. were aiming for, after all. Anyway, I was happy to spend some time there, and in fact, I may actually be in the market for some New Jersey real estate in the not-too-distant future.

What about that La-Z-Boy couple? They were a hoot!

Grade: 4.5 Heres out of 7 Everywheres

‘Heretic’ Review: Hugh Grant Wants to Play a Game

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Pie! Pie! Pie! (CREDIT: Kimberly French/A24)

Starring: Hugh Grant, Sophie Thatcher, Chloe East, Topher Grace, Elle Young

Directors: Scott Beck and Bryan Woods

Running Time: 111 Minutes

Rating: R for Some Climatically Bloody Moments

Release Date: November 8, 2024 (Theaters)

What’s It About?: Not since Elders Price and Cunningham have there been Mormon missionaries more excited to spread the message of the Church of  Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints than Sisters Barnes (Sophie Thatcher) and Paxton (Chloe East). While knocking on doors one fateful evening, they end up at the residence of Mr. Reed (Hugh Grant), who invites them in with promises of blueberry pie and enthusiastic conversation. But soon enough, the young ladies notice warning signs that he might have more sadistic intentions in mind. When they attempt to leave, he assures them that they’re perfectly allowed to do so, but it must be through the back door. Alas, actually getting there involves completing a maze/thought experiment of his devising.

What Made an Impression?: A Flurry of Metaphors: If you’ve always wanted a horror movie that could teach you the history of one of the most popular board games of all time, well then, Heretic has you covered. You see, Mr. Reed is a student of all the world’s religions, and he’s noticed that the history of the major monotheistic faiths is strikingly similar to that of a certain real estate competition. If classic Christianity is Monopoly, then Judaism is its lesser-known forerunner The Landlord’s Game, while Islam is the game for a new era, and Mormonism and all the other more recent offshoots are the wacky spinoffs. It makes a lot of intoxicating sense when Mr. Reed explains. He has a way of summing up this entirely Earthly existence with tidily convincing metaphors. While he has an advisable mix of healthy skepticism and genuine interest when it comes to matters of faith, his intellectual self-assurance is bedeviling.
Not So Naive: Mr. Reed has designed his test so meticulously that Sister Barnes and Sister Paxton are really no match for him. Or so it might seem. As it turns out, they’re nowhere near as clueless as you might expect twentysomethings who grew up in a deeply religious community to be. Thatcher plays Sister Barnes as battle-hardened and a stiff judge of character. Meanwhile, East is an outgoing bundle of friendliness as Sister Paxton, but she knows how the world works. The movie even starts with her talking about a deep philosophical revelation that came to her from watching porn. If anyone could muck up Mr. Reed’s plans and challenge him in ways that are just the least bit unexpected, it’s these two.
How Do You Play the Game?: I can’t endorse Mr. Reed’s methods, but his lesson plans and instinct for metaphor are quite useful. As he points out at one point, either we’re living in a universe run by a god who allows cruel, awful things to happen, and that’s terrifying; or, we live in a godless, totally random universe, and that’s also terrifying. He’s far from the first person to say something like that, but not many others have redesigned their whole house to make this point viscerally clear. Entering Mr. Reed’s domain is a microcosmic confrontation of the existential dilemma that perhaps all human beings grapple with at some point in their lives. Maybe Heretic will help you come up with a satisfying answer for why it’s worth it to keep on keeping on, or maybe it will leave you more racked with doubt than ever. But either way, you’re unlikely to ever forget it.

Heretic is Recommended If You Like: Theology lectures, Saw, Fresh baked goods

Grade: 4 out of 5 Doors

Is ‘Your Monster’ Also My Monster?

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You and Your Monster (CREDIT: Vertical Entertainment/Screenshot)

Starring: Melissa Barrera, Tommy Dewey, Edmund Donovan, Kayla Foster, Meghann Fahy, Ikechukwu Ufomadu

Director: Caroline Lindy

Running Time: 98 Minutes

Rating: R

Release Date: October 25, 2024 (Theaters)

Would I like to have a monster in my closet, just like Laura Franco (Melissa Barerra) discovers that she does in the new feature film Your Monster? Well, I’m kinda leaning towards the interpretation that the Monster (Tommy Dewey) is a metaphor and that he was really inside Laura all along, so maybe I already do! Honestly, I think that’s the most palatable interpretation, because the Monster is initially pretty rude to Laura in ways that really cross the line, although they eventually certainly soften and warm up to each other. Anyway, they still have some work to do by the end. Speaking of the end, the conclusion is bloody and over-the-top in a way that reminded me of The Substance, although I suppose those aren’t the only two movies that have ever gone for broke.

Grade: 3 Critics Picks out of 5 Jesse Greens

‘Venom: The Last Dance’ Might Have Been Better Off If It Were Just an Hour and a Half of Eddie and Mrs. Chen Dancing

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Eddie and Venom horsin’ around. (CREDIT: Sony Pictures)

Starring: Tom Hardy, Juno Temple, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Rhys Ifans, Peggy Lu, Alanna Ubach, Stephen Graham, Andy Serkis, Clark Backo, Cristo Fernandez

Director: Kelly Marcel

Running Time: 110 Minutes

Rating: PG-13 for Aliens Eating Humans and a Couple of F-Bombs

Release Date: October 25, 2024 (Theater)

What’s It About?: Eddie Brock (Tom Hardy) and his alien symbiote soulmate have been laying low after their last Venom-ous adventure. But then it turns out that Eddie’s one of the most wanted men in America (or at least the Bay Area), and also some guy named Knull (Andy Serkis) who’s the master of all symbiotes is on an intergalactic trek to regain control of Venom and his ilk. So they head out for safer pastures, eventually making their way to Nevada, where they converge with a group of science and military types looking to exploit symbiote technology for their own purposes, as well as Knull’s beastly minions and an extraterrestrial-obsessed family excited about the recent declassification of Area 51.

What Made an Impression?: Science vs. Soldiers vs. Power vs. True Love: At the core of the Venom film trilogy is the unlikely, occasionally destructive, but ultimately mutually beneficial relationship between a broken man and a needy extraterrestrial creature. The Last Dance theoretically could just be about Eddie Brock walking across the desert while talking to the chaotic being living inside him, but their interpersonal tension has mostly been resolved over the course of the two films. So instead there are a few external conflicts that criss-cross with each other, though they all struggle to get their narrative fill. Juno Temple plays Dr. Teddy Payne, the Avatar of Science who wants to keep dangerous aliens alive for the sake of science; while Chiwetel Ejiofor plays Rex Strickland, the Symbol of Law & Order who wants to arrest Eddie and keeps yelling at Dr. Payne about all the men he keeps losing in the line of duty. Meanwhile, Rhys Ifans is the UFO-loving, Hippie Wild Card who throws a kumbaya wrench into the whole proceedings. Ultimately, all of these opposing factions eventually realize that they need to team up to defeat the power-mad Knull, which results in a kinetically conclusive set piece, though the characterization that gets us to that point is a little thin and petty.
Aliens Are Always Bugging Out: How long has it been since insects have become the go-to design inspiration for big screen extraterrestrials? The xenomorphs of Alien are perhaps the proto-example, While the bugs of Starship Troopers were obviously a big deal in 1997. But it’s probably only been in the past decade or so that it’s become frustratingly de rigueur. The Last Dance continues this trend in the form of the creatures that are hunting down Venom and the other symbiotes, although there are some hints of creativity trying to break out. They’re basically giant, apparently indestructible, pointy-legged arachnids that can shoot out supersonic bursts (a weakness of the symbiotes). It sounds like it could be kind of cool in theory, but in practice, it’s just a chaotic swarm of fiery bursts and barely coherent screaming. And that’s The Last Dance in microcosm: there’s genuine personality scattered about, but it’s stuck in an inelegant mess. The desire to have fun is there, but it can’t quite hit it into overdrive.

Venom: The Last Dance is Recommended If You: Keep Your Own Personal Index of Every Single Marvel Comics Symbiote

Grade: 2 out of 5 Codices

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