This Is a Movie Review: The Salesman

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This review was originally published on News Cult in January 2017.

Starring: Shahab Hosseini, Taraneh Alidoosti

Director: Asghar Farhadi

Running Time: 125 Minutes

Rating: PG-13 for Scars Both Physical and Emotional

Release Date: January 27, 2017 (Limited)

The Iranian film The Salesman (an Oscar nominee this year for Foreign Language Film) starts off as a sort of slice-of-life tale that is a bit of a bummer. Then its climax turns it into a major bummer – a life-altering journey through hell. Emad (Shahab Hosseini) and Rana (Taraneh Alidoosti) are a young couple whose move to a new house coincides with their work on a production of Arthur Miller’s Death of a Salesman. It turns out that the former occupant of their new place may have been a prostitute, which they discover when a former client shows up and leaves Rana bruised and bloodied.

Following the attack, The Salesman is a study in the day-to-day of young artistic professionals in Iran (it does not feel too different than it often does in America or Europe), but with the dark cloud of post-traumatic stress hanging over. Rana is hardly able to bear any time alone, and the dramatic weight of the play is too much for her to get through. (I am uncertain why Death of a Salesman was chosen as the production. Any thematic connection to Emad and Rana’s story is rather oblique – not a criticism, just an observation.) The acting is pleasantly naturalistic, and there is a cute child performance, but it is an unpleasant watch that just glides along uneasily thanks to an otherwise peaceful existence being rocked by violence.

For the last act, The Salesman really leans into that unease, making the experience even more painful but also more rewarding. Emad has declined to go to the police, instead taking the investigation into his own hands. When the culprit turns out to be someone completely unexpected, a whole Pandora’s Box of moral conundrums spills open. There is no happy way for this to end, and writer/director Asghar Farhadi (A SeparationThe Past) does not shy away from any of the devastating implications. The feeling you get after watching The Salesman is the definition of “shook.”

The Salesman is Recommended If You LikePrisoners

Grade: 4 out of 5 Pleas for Forgiveness

This Is a Movie Review: Split

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Split is basically M. Night Shyamalan’s version of an X-Men movie. Kevin (James McAvoy), with his 23 personalities (X-23?), is like Legion crossed with Wolverine, and “the Beast” is about to emerge. And let’s throw some Professor X in for good measure, since McAvoy plays both after all. (BTW, Legion is Prof. X’s son.)

The last X-Men film, Apocalypse, was not that well-received, but I liked it a lot, and the similarities are instructive. Just as that mutant film was, for better or worse, unapologetically over-the-top, so is Split relentlessly blunt with its dialogue. Sometimes that means characters thuddingly explain exactly what is happening and exactly how they are feeling, and we say, “Nobody talks like that.” But then, that is also the appeal. Kevin talks and acts like nobody else, and that is what makes him so spellbinding.

There is a series of flashbacks from the childhood of the main kidnapping victim (Anya Taylor-Joy, always a wonder to behold), which is largely unnecessary. The point they make is demonstrated more subtly and just as effectively towards the end, but they are compelling and in keeping with the unsettling tone.

Yeah, there’s a twist (or two). There are hints that we should have seen all along, but also plenty of misdirection, so it works, beyond all odds and all sense.

And for my Early 2017 Oscar Wish List, I of course like McAvoy for Lead Actor, Mike Gioulakis for his expressionistic Cinematography, are opening and closing credits considered part of Production Design?, and Shyamalan himself for Supporting Actor in the best one-scene performance I have seen in some time.

I give Split 20 out of 24 Personalities.

This Is a Movie Review: Silence

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Does Silence need to drag on so portentously throughout its middle third? Probably, at least to achieve its goal of being as tortuous as what its protagonists undergo. Not exactly as torturous, obviously, but that is the tone it is going for. It may not be pleasant, but that is the goal. Perhaps it could have been both painful AND exciting if Liam Neeson had returned earlier. His scenes really get the film cooking. They are, after all, when Silence really grapples with its essential question of how best to sacrifice oneself to be a good Catholic, or a good leader, or a good person, and if those overlap.

I give Silence 20 Minutes out of 161 of Unexpected Humor.

This Is a Movie Review: The Bye Bye Man

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This review was originally published on News Cult in January 2017.

Starring: Douglas Smith, Cressida Bonas, Lucien Laviscount, Doug Jones, Carrie-Anne Moss

Director: Stacy Title

Running Time: 96 Minutes

Rating: PG-13 for Nearly R-Level Gore and Scares, Plus a Few Bare Butts

Release Date: January 13, 2017

They say that true character comes through in a crisis, and The Bye Bye Man interprets that maxim to mean that its characters should be as boring as possible when introduced. But once the titular demon creature ramps up his tactics to maximum frights, everyone suddenly becomes at least halfway interesting. But the first act is a textbook example from the School of Banal Horror Set-Ups.

Three University of Wisconsin students – Elliott (Douglas Smith), his girlfriend Sasha (Cressida Bonas), and best bud/third wheel John (Lucien Laviscount) – move into an off-campus house with some creepy old furniture together. They throw a housewarming party that is defined by bros calling each other “bro” and playing beer pong. Their distinct lack of any definable personalities persists, as creepy shadows start going bump in the night. In sum: I do not care what happens to these characters, and the blank slate of a villain does not entertain me.

Just as The Bye Bye Man is about to lose me completely, though, it finally shows its winning cinematic hand. Disorienting angles and warped set design bring you into the world of the title bogeyperson. The Bye Bye Man’s (Doug Jones) deadly tactic is a sort of mental virus spread by the utterance of his name. If you hear it, you are stuck in his grasp, suffering hallucinations that play on your most paranoid fears. The mind tricks are filled with several instances of sly humor, which is where the film most excels. The Bye Bye Man is more about the twisted laughs of manipulation than the soul-crushing weight of ominousness.

When I first heard of The Bye Bye Man, I though that its patently silly title would be a major liability. But it turns out to actually be its biggest strength. It is plainly ridiculous that anyone should be scared to say or hear something as goofily alliterative as “the Bye Bye Man.” And that is indeed how most of characters initially react, but that plays right into The B.B.M.’s trap. This flick is well worth seeing in a packed theater; every utterance of “the Bye Bye Man” is bound to simultaneously provoke genuine dread and exasperated laughs at its stupidity.

The Bye Bye Man is Recommended If You Like: The Final Destination series, the spider walk scene from The Exorcist, the original Evil DeadHalloween

Grade: 3 out of 5 Demon Dogs

This Is a Movie Review: Monster Trucks

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This review was originally published on News Cult in January 2017.

Starring: Lucas Till, Jane Levy, Barry Pepper, Thomas Lennon, Danny Glover, Rob Lowe

Director: Chris Wedge

Running Time: 104 Minutes

Rating: PG for Mild Supernatural Danger

Release Date: January 13, 2017

Have you guys seen the poster for Monster Trucks? I mean, have you seen it?!

A quiet squid-like creature from the bottom of a lake wanders into a junkyard, where he practically becomes an automobile-fish hybrid as he finds shelter in the monster truck built by high school senior Tripp (Lucas Till). This could very easily be the setup for a horror movie in the vein of Creature from the Black Lagoon, and the character design of the squid-thing (dubbed “Creech” by Tripp) is kind of disturbing: long gooey tentacles and a full set of sharp, ever-present teeth. Plus, he subsists on oil, which suggests a sort of Chekhov’s Flammability that is commented upon but never delivered.

But this is indeed a Nickelodeon movie and not a classic Universal monster movie, and it bears the hallmarks of many a kids movie. There are the adults playing teenagers (Till is 26 and could pass for 30, while his tutor/love interest Jane Levy actually makes for a convincing high schooler even though she’s a year older), which is especially exacerbated by all the age-appropriate extras. There is the evil corporation whose actions set the creature loose in the first place and practically owns the whole town. There is the absentee father, plus an authority figure (Barry Pepper as Sheriff Rick) serving as Mom’s (Amy Ryan) new boyfriend. And of course there is the whole “boy and his pet” vibe between Tripp and Creech, with E.T. as a clear supernatural precedent.

Monster Trucks is worth watching if you ironically or genuinely appreciate all entries in this genre, and this particular example is due to spark unusual enthusiasm because that poster image of CreechTruck is just so striking. Does the film live up to that promise? Yes, but only in fits and starts. This is basically Fast and the Furious, Jr., and thus there are a few transcendently gravity-defying moments of Creech and his crew flying through the air. But there is weirdly little time spent freaking out over how strange this whole situation is. Most characters accept Creech’s existence remarkably quickly, which is frankly a sign of maturity. And in fact this movie is rather adult in a lot of ways. That is true in terms of the good (the acting is strong across the board – Levy is her typical delightful self, half of Thomas Lennon’s career is as a ringer in assembly line crap, and Rob Lowe is perfect, though underutilized, as the face of corporate evil), the bad (Creech has as much of a knack for collateral structural damage as any superhero), and the underwhelming, which this not-bizarre-enough head-scratcher all too often is.

Monster Trucks is Recommended If You Like: The Fast and Furious series but wish it were more kid-friendly, Mac and Me, the Evil Dead remake

Grade: 2.5 out 5 Twentysomethings Playing Teenagers

This Is a Movie Review: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

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Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them has basically three elements on offer: the beasts, the evils of wizardry, and the magician/No-Maj relations. The beasts are generally fine, not especially super-duper, but there is a fun payoff at the end. The fight against evil is thoughtful, though not fully satisfying, because it is obviously built to last into sequels.

But those relations between magical and non-magical folk are where Fantastic Beasts has the most of value to say. Wizards are boogeymen obviously meant as metaphorical stand-ins for immigrants. That has been a big theme for J.K. Rowling since the beginning of her career.

In this particular case, it is most intriguing in the example of Queenie (Alison Sudol) and Jacob (Dan Fogler), a witchy/no-maj combo whose chemistry is off the charts, though any pairing between them is forbidden by American wizarding laws that shun such fraternization. Their story reminds me of the interracial real-life couple at the heart of Loving insofar it makes me declare, “Let love conquer all!”

I give Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them 7 Pieces of Collateral out of 10 Bakeries.

This Is a Movie Review: Toni Erdmann

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The German comedy Toni Erdmann focuses on the relationship between Ines Conradi (Sandra Hüller), an ambitious, high-strung business consultant and her dad Winifried (Peter Simonischek), a music teacher who can apparently take off as much time off as he pleases. Winifried is worried that Ines has lost all the joy in her life, so he deploys his persona disguise known as “Toni Erdmann” (complete with fake teeth and Tommy Wiseau-style wig and sunglasses) to subtly invade her professional life. She is at first unsurprisingly horrified (though she does passively-aggressively play along a little bit), but eventually he wins her over and she hugs him with all her love and gratitude.

I know what you’re thinking: “Another Manic Pixie Dream Dad movie?!” Here it is important to note a crucial difference between MPDD and the OG MPD Girl: the calculus is very different when the relationship is not romantic. Winifried’s entire purpose in the film can be making Ines discover how to enjoy life because fulfilling that role is part of the parental instinct. He has known her whole life, so he should have some idea what can lift her spirits. In conclusion, Toni Erdmann is kind of like if in the future Louise from Bob’s Burgers happens to forget her sense of humor and good old dad Bob Belcher has to intervene and remind her of what makes her happy.

I give Toni Erdmann 9 Tommy Wiseau’s out of 10 Europeans.

This Is a Movie Review: Assassin’s Creed

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In Assassin’s Creed the Movie, Marion Cotillard sends Michael Fassbender into the past by having him inhabit an ancestor of his. In premise and execution, it’s a lot like Wolverine being transported to his younger self in X-Men: Days of Future Past. So watching this movie gives me a sense of “Been there, done that” but also “This can be done well.” Also encouraging: the intricacies implied by the secret societies and the prison-like facility that is supposedly not really a prison. There are some sci-fi mystery concepts worth exploring here.

Unfortunately about halfway through, Assassin’s Creed confirms that it will not buck the trend of unimpressive video game adaptations. Plot developments, pieces of mythology, and new characters are introduced with little, if any, explanation. I suppose if you play the games you might have some semblance of understanding, but I have my doubts that such comprehension would actually improve anything.

I give Assassin’s Creed 200 “Why Are They in This’s?” out of 500 Shadowy Figures.

2016: A Year at the Movies

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(Included with the list of titles are grades, dates, showtimes, theatre locations, and folks I saw the movies with.)

Keepin’ it 100: I saw more movies in the theaters in 2016 than I did in any other calendar year.

1. The Good Dinosaur – B- (1/6, 12:45 PM, Regal United Artists Oxford Valley, Langhorne, PA; Walter Wojcik)
2. The Forest – C+ (1/7, 7:15 PM, Oxford Valley; Walter Wojcik)
3. Star Wars: The Force Awakens – A- (1/9, 3:20 PM, Oxford Valley; Pat Dansbury)
4. Concussion – B- (1/14, 6:35 PM, Oxford Valley; Mary Claire Dansbury)
5. Daddy’s Home – C (1/18, 9:30 PM, Oxford Valley; Walter Wojcik)
6. Room – B+ (1/25, 6:40 PM, Oxford Valley; myself)
7. Joy – B (1/27, 3:20 PM, Oxford Valley; myself)
8. The Boy – B- (1/31, 9:10 PM, Oxford Valley; myself)
9. The Revenant – B (2/2, 2:30 PM, Oxford Valley; myself)
10. Pride and Prejudice and Zombies – B- (2/4, 7:50 PM, Oxford Valley; myself)
11. Hail, Caesar! – B+ (2/4, 9:50 PM, Oxford Valley; myself)
12. 45 YearsB- (2/8, 3:30 PM, AMC Empire, New York, NY; myself)
13. CarolB+ (2/11, 1:25 PM, Angelika Film Center, New York, NY; myself)
14. The WitchA (3/3, 8:00 PM, Regal Union Square, New York, NY; myself)
15. Zoolander 2C+ (3/3, 9:50 PM, Union Square; myself)
16. Knight of CupsB- (3/10, 12:00 PM, Landmark Sunshine, New York, NY; Rob Malone)
17. 10 Cloverfield LaneB+ (3/14, 8:15 PM, AMC Empire; myself)
18. Creative ControlB+ (3/17, 7:30 PM, Landmark Sunshine; myself)
19. Midnight SpecialA- (3/18, 4:40 PM, Union Square; myself)
20. DeadpoolC+ (3/25, 7:50 PM, AMC Neshaminy, Bensalem, PA; Walter Wojcik)
21. Batman v Superman: Dawn of JusticeC- (4/1, 7:45 PM, Empire; Rob Malone)
22. Hardcore HenryB (4/8, 7:50 PM, Regal United Artists Court Street, Brooklyn, NY; myself)
23. ZootopiaA- (4/8, 9:50 PM, Court Street; myself)
24. 2016 Tribeca Film Festival: Warped Speed Sci-Fi Shorts (4/18, 8:45 PM, Regal Battery Park, New York, NY; myself)
24a. CurveB+
24b. The TunnelB
24c. The Last Journey of the Enigmatic Paul WRB-
24d. Never HappenedB+
24e. Future BoyfriendB+
24f. Reality +A-
25. 2016 Tribeca Film Festival: RebirthB+ (4/20, 8:30 PM, Battery Park; myself)
26. 2016 Tribeca Film Festival: The Hunt for the WilderpeopleB+ (4/21, 6:45 PM, Battery Park; myself)
27. 2016 Tribeca Film Festival: NerdlandC- (4/24, 8:30 PM, Bow Tie Cinema, New York, NY; myself)
28. The Jungle Book – B (4/28, 2:00 PM, Court Street; myself)
29. Rifftrax Live: Time Chasers (5/5, 8:00 PM, Union Square; myself)
30. Green RoomA- (5/7, 7:55 PM, Neshaminy; myself)
31. Captain America: Civil WarB+ (5/8, 9:30 AM, Oxford Valley; Bob and Sue Malone)
32. The LobsterA- (5/16, 7:00 PM, Angelika; Rob Malone, Erin McGill, and Andrew Parrish)
33. X-Men: ApocalypseB+ (5/28, 8:00 PM, Union Square; myself)
34. KeanuB- (6/1, 7:50 PM, Union Square; myself)
35. The Nice GuysB+ (6/2, 1:30 PM, Court Street; myself)
36. Popstar: Never Stop Never StoppingB (6/3, 9:45 PM, Neshaminy; Walter Wojcik)
37. Neighbors 2: Sorority RisingB (6/10, 7:50 PM, AMC Empire; myself)
38. The Conjuring 2B+ (6/10, 10:15 PM, AMC Loews 34th Street, New York, NY; myself)
39. King JackB+ (6/11, 9:10 PM, Cinema Village, New York, NY; myself)
40. Little SisterB+ (6/17, 9:45 PM, BAM Rose Cinemas, Brooklyn, NY; Rob Malone and Marie Bardi)
41. Finding DoryB (6/18, 9:00 PM, Neshaminy; Walter Wojcik)
42. Now You See Me 2C (6/23, 7:35 PM, Regal E-Walk, New York, NY; myself)
43. The ShallowsB+ (6/23, 9:45 PM, E-Walk; myself)
44. Swiss Army ManB (6/24, 8:20 PM, Union Square; myself)
45. Wiener-DogB (6/25, 8:30 PM, Angelika; myself)
46. Me Before YouB- (6/29, 9:20 PM, Union Square; myself)
47. The Neon DemonA- (7/1, 7:30 PM, Angelika; myself)
48. The Purge: Election YearB- (7/2, 10:15 PM, Neshaminy; Walter Wojcik)
49. The BFGB- (7/8, 8:20 PM, E-Walk; myself)
50. Rifftrax Live: MST3K Reunion (7/12, 7:30 PM, Union Square; myself)
51. Ghostbusters (2016) – B- (7/15, 8:00 PM, The Pavilion Theater, Brooklyn, NY; Evan Cardona and Maya Bee-Fairy)
52. Captain FantasticB+ (7/16, 8:30 PM, Landmark Sunshine; myself)
53. Lights OutA- (7/22, 7:20 PM, Court Street; myself)
54. Star Trek BeyondB in RPX (7/23, 9:00 PM, E-Walk; myself; also 7/30, 3:20 PM, Oxford Valley; Bob Malone, Rob Malone, and Erin McGill)
55. NerveB+ (8/4, 7:35 PM, Union Square; myself)
56. Florence Foster JenkinsB (8/13, 6:40 PM, Oxford Valley; Pat Dansbury)
57. Café SocietyB- (8/14, 4:15 PM, Princeton Garden Theater, Princeton, NJ; Kaity Malone)
58. Rifftrax Live: Mothra (8/18, 8:00 PM, Neshaminy; myself)
59. Don’t BreatheB+ (8/25, 7:40 PM, Oxford Valley; Walter Wojcik)
60. IndignationB (8/31, 5:25 PM, Lincoln Plaza Cinemas, New York, NY; Kaity Malone)
61. Sausage PartyB- (9/2, 7:50 PM, Oxford Valley; Walter Wojcik)
62. Suicide SquadC- (9/2, 10:00 PM, Oxford Valley; Walter Wojcik)
63. Don’t Think TwiceB+ (9/7, 7:10 PM, BAM Rose Cinemas; myself)
64. MorganC+ (9/12, 6:50 PM, AMC Empire; myself)
65. Blair WitchB- (9/15, 7:30 PM, Union Square; myself)
66. SullyB (9/18, 1:30 PM, AMC Empire; Kaity Malone)
67. Kubo and the Two StringsB- (9/29, 6:50 PM, Union Square; myself)
68. The Magnificent Seven (2016) – B (9/30, 7:30 PM, Union Square; Rob Malone, Erin McGill, and Gabby Nadig)
69. MastermindsB- (10/1, 7:40 PM, Court Street; myself)
70. Shin GodzillaB- (10/5, 8:00 PM, AMC Empire; myself)
71. The Girl on the TrainB (10/7, 4:50 PM, Union Square; Kaity Malone)
72. Ouija: Origin of EvilB+ (10/21, 7:40 PM, Court Street; myself)
73. Keeping Up with the JonesesC+ (10/21, 9:45 PM, Court Street; myself)
74. Doctor StrangeB+ (10/26, 11:00 AM, AMC Empire; myself)
75. Always ShineB (10/26, 6:00 PM, Dolby 88 Screening Room, New York, NY; myself)
76. Rifftrax Live: Carnival of Souls (10/27, 8:00 PM, Union Square; myself)
77. LovingB+ (10/31, 10:00 AM, Magno Screening Room, New York, NY; myself)
78. The HandmaidenB+ (11/3, 8:20 PM, Alamo Drafthouse, Brooklyn, NY; myself)
79. PatersonB (11/7, 10:00 AM, Park Avenue Screening Room, New York, NY; myself)
80. Arrival – A- (11/7, 6:30 PM, AMC Empire; myself)
81. Rules Don’t ApplyC+ (11/10, 6:30 PM, E-Walk; Rob Malone)
82. Manchester by the SeaB+ (11/14, 10:00 AM, Park Avenue Screening Room; myself)
83. The Edge of SeventeenB (11/15, 10:00 AM, Magno Screening Room; myself)
84. 20th Century WomenB- (11/16, 12:00 PM, Dolby 88 Screening Room; myself)
85. AlliedB (11/17, 6:30 PM, AMC Loews 34th Street; Rob Malone)
86. Hidden FiguresB (11/21, 6:30 PM, E-Walk; Kaity Malone)
87. JackieA- (12/1, 6:00 PM, Fox Screening Room, New York, NY; myself)
88. ElleB+ (12/2, 7:15 PM, Alamo Drafthouse Brooklyn; myself)
89. Nocturnal AnimalsA- (12/3, 8:05 PM, Angelika; Kaity Malone)
99. Why Him?B (12/5, 7:00 PM, E-Walk; myself)
91. La La LandA- (12/6, 2:00 PM, Dolby 88 Screening Room; myself)
92. Hacksaw RidgeB (12/7, 7:10 PM, AMC Loews 34th Street; myself)
93. MoonlightB+ (12/8, 6:15 PM, Alamo Drafthouse Brooklyn; myself)
94. Moana – B (12/9, 7:50 PM, E-Walk; myself)
95. A Monster Calls – B- (12/12, 3:00 PM, Park Avenue Screening Room; myself)
96. Passengers – B- (12/14, 4:00 PM, AMC Lincoln Square, New York, NY; myself)
97. Patriots Day – B+ (12/14, 7:00 PM, AMC Loews 34th Street; myself)
98. Rogue One: A Star Wars Story – B- (12/16, 8:00 PM, Union Square; Rob Malone, Erin McGill, and Blake LaRue)
99. It’s a Wonderful Life (12/19, 7:00 PM, IFC Center, New York, NY; Rob Malone, Erin McGill, and Orlando Ollier)
100. Assassin’s Creed – C- (12/27, 7:20 PM, Oxford Valley; Walter Wojcik)
101. Toni ErdmannB+ (12/30, 8:00 PM, Film Forum, New York, NY; myself)

Best Movies of 2016

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CREDIT: YouTube Screenshots

This ranking was originally posted on News Cult in December 2016.

Yes, it’s another best movies of the year list, which you are reading perhaps because you know me personally. Or maybe you don’t know me in the flesh, but you follow my writing and want to keep up with my opinions regardless of how much you agree or disagree with them. Or it could be that you have stumbled upon this article by sheer happenstance. In that case, I shall do best to steer you straight.

Is this list more “right” than any other critic’s? It is certainly correct in the sense that it has come from a place of honesty. I feel enthusiastic about these films, and so I have decided to say to the world, “This is my interpretation. Perhaps you will feel the same.”

Enjoy!

10. 10 Cloverfield Lane
An anthology-style cinematic universe grows into itself in its second chapter. Mary Elizabeth Winstead finds herself in a bunker under the iron fist of John Goodman, giving the performance of his career. A drum of acid is even scarier than the monsters supposedly outside. Our pulses adapt to the rhythm of the thrills.

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