Jmunney's Blog

Isn’t she lovely! (CREDIT: Bernard Walsh/Universal Pictures)

Starring: Alisha Weir, Melissa Barrera, Dan Stevens, Kathryn Newton, William Catlett, Kevin Durand, Angus Cloud, Giancarlo Esposito

Directors: Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett

Running Time: 109 Minutes

Rating: R for Buckets of Blood, and Even Some Guts, and All the Attendant F-Bombs

Release Date: April 19, 2024 (Theaters)

What’s It About?: A ragtag group of criminals who are the best at what they do are assembled for a seemingly simple job: kidnap 12-year-old ballerina Abigail (Alisha Weir) and demand a $50 million ransom from her very powerful father. They hole up in a mansion for what’s meant to be a straightforward babysitting gig and assume Rat Pack-inspired codenames to hide their true identities. But that’s not amore, because it soon becomes clear that they’re in much more than they’ve bargained for when Abigail reveals the full extent of her identity. Could it be that this crew has more in common that they realize and that they might just have the right pop culture-inspired know-how to escape this house of horrors? Considering that Abigail was directed by the savvy team behind Ready or Not and the last couple of Screams, signs point to yes!

What Made an Impression?: Twist Premise: If you’ve ever listened to the podcast Scott Hasn’t Seen, then you may have encountered a pet theory of its co-host Scott Aukerman. The gist is that movies shouldn’t have titles, but instead just be identified by numbers, e.g. “Movie #10,607.” Aukerman’s point is that it’s best for audiences to experience movies with absolutely zero expectations and therefore maximum potential for surprise. If that idea appeals to you, then you should stop reading this review RIGHT NOW if you have any interest in seeing Abigail. But if you already regularly go to the movie theater or watch TV, then chances are you’ve already seen the ubiquitous trailer, which gives away the big twist at the heart of the concept. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with knowing about the title dancer’s bloodsucking tendencies when entering the theater, but it is worth noting that the script doesn’t rush into the reveal. I loved seeing the Abigail trailer as often as I did, but it would’ve been nice to have been able to test out Mr. Aukerman’s theory.
Let’s Make a Deal: When Abigail shows what appears to be its full hand, it turns into a full-bore cat-and-mouse most dangerous game as a little predator nibbles away at her prey. But it actually has another ace or two up its sleeve. You see, Abigail’s father is a notorious gangster businessman whose elimination of his enemies has become a bit of an urban legend. Or it would be a legend, if it weren’t all true. That wrinkle might make it seem like the bloodlust is even more inescapable, but it also opens up some avenues for wheeling and dealing. Abigail may love playing with her food, but there are certain frustrations that come with being a preteen for centuries. And while you’d be wise to be skeptical about her or anyone else of her ilk when they say they’ll let you go, their offers do make for some intriguing negotiation.
Theater of Blood: With her levitational abilities, bone-twisting dance skills, and telepathic manipulation, Abigail’s powers are about as boundless as you could possibly fear they’d be. But it’s essential for vampires to have some vulnerability, and that’s where Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett excel. Let’s just say, if you manage to expose Abigail to sunlight or poke her with a stake, she does not go gently. If you enjoyed the death scenes in Ready or Not, then you’ll lap up Abigail as quite the encore. Bettinelli-Olpin and Gillett aren’t reinventing the vampire wheel here (who could at this point?), but they’re certainly pouring all of their blood and guts into it.

Abigail is Recommended If You Like: Ready or Not, And Then There Were None, The blood elevator from The Shining

Grade: 3 out of 5 Tutus