A 3-Hour Car?

February 22, 2022

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Drive My Car (CREDIT: Criterion Collection/Screenshot)

Starring: Hidetoshi Nishijima, Tōko Miura

Director: Ryusuke Hamaguchi

Running Time: 179 Minutes

Rating: Unrated

Release Date: November 24, 2021

When faced with the prospect of watching Drive My Car, I summoned the memory of conquering the summit of Toni Erdmann. Back in 2016, I thought, “A 3-hour German comedy? A 3-HOUR GERMAN COMEDY?!” But then I of course bought a ticket and absolutely loved it. So would a 3-hour Japanese movie about chauffeuring enjoy the same fate from me? Alas, not quite.

I at least appreciated the uniqueness of the effort, and the Waiting for Godot scenes were certainly fun. But I never appreciated the sheer heft of the whole thing. Oh well, at least it put me in a reflective mood.

Grade: 108 Beep Beeps out of 180 Yeahs

Entertainment To-Do List: Week of 2/18/22

February 18, 2022

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Severance (CREDIT: Apple TV+)

Every week, I list all the upcoming (or recently released) movies, TV shows, albums, podcasts, etc. that I believe are worth checking out.

Movies
–Dog (Theaters) – Starring Dog.
–Texas Chainsaw Massacre (February 18 on Netflix) – Here we go again…

TV
–Severance Series Premiere (February 18 on Apple TV+) – Directed (mostly) by Ben Stiller, starring Adam Scott.
–Last Week Tonight Season 9 Premiere (February 20 on HBO)

Music
-Beach House, Once Twice Melody

‘Dog’ Review: Channing Tatum and His Four-Legged Friend Find Their Way Back

February 17, 2022

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Dog (CREDIT: Hilary Bronwyn Gayle/SMPSP/© 2022 Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Pictures Inc. All Rights Reserved)

Starring: Channing Tatum, Jane Adams, Kevin Nash, Q’orianka Kilcher, Ethan Suplee, Emmy Raver-Lampman, Bill Burr, Nicole LaLiberte, Luke Forbes, Ronnie Gene Blevins

Directors: Channing Tatum and Reid Carolin

Running Time: 90 Minutes

Rating: PG-13 for Veterans Struggling with Civilian Life

Release Date: February 18, 2022 (Theaters)

Dog is basically The Odyssey, but as if Odysseus’ crew were replaced by a military-trained Belgian Malinois named Lulu. She absolutely has to get to the funeral of the soldier who handled her, and Army Ranger Jackson Briggs (Channing Tatum) takes on the assignment to convince his superiors that he’s fit enough to head out on another tour of duty. So they trek down the Pacific Coast, and along the way they endure several tests of character and meet a fascinating array of folks. It’s a typical road trip buddy comedy of opposites who of course eventually realize that they’ve got more in common than they thought. They’re both experiencing PTSD after all, and they can be each other’s emotional support if they can just manage to open up.

At only an hour and a half long, you might expect Dog to have a fairly straightforward plot, but it’s actually a series of non-stop detours. As Jackson makes his first stop at a hipster bar in Portland and then finds himself in the throes of a tantric threesome, I found myself wondering what the heck was going on. That thought remained top of mind throughout, as the randomness of Jackson and Lulu’s excursions just kept pulling up. One day, they’re being held captive by a pot farmer who suspects espionage, and then soon after, Jackson’s impersonating a blind man to score a luxury hotel suite. When they end up at an encampment for unhoused people, I’m still wondering how they suddenly got to this point, but at least in this case the thematic resonance is immediately clear, considering the fate of too many veterans who are unable to find the support they need. Ultimately, much like the epics of yore, these vignettes do their best to paint a mythic panorama of the society we’re living in today.

Considering its subject matter and its pedigree, Dog has an appropriately shaggy disposition. It’s the directorial debut for both Tatum and Reid, who previously worked together on White House Down, 22 Jump Street, Logan Lucky, and both Magic Mike chapters. With this collaboration, they display plenty of empathy and patience, and in that spirit, Dog is worth warming up to. It’s not the most enthralling or life-changing experience at the multiplex today, but it’s got some tricks up its collar that can make you reconsider what it’s up to. Its happy ending is as formulaic as any platonic (pet-tonic?) rom-com in which it’s no surprise that Man and Mutt are going to fall for each other, but it’s endearing enough that you’re pleased when they do.

Dog is Recommended If You Like: Early 2010s Hipster-based comedy, A Carousel of Character Actor Cameos, Chew Toys

Grade: 3 out of 5 Dog

‘Uncharted’ Review: I Would Have Preferred a Ferdinand Magellan Documentary

February 15, 2022

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Uncharted (CREDIT: Sony Pictures)

Starring: Tom Holland, Mark Wahlberg, Sophia Ali, Tati Gabrielle, Antonio Banderas, Rudy Pankow

Director: Ruben Fleischer

Running Time: 116 Minutes

Rating: PG-13 for Mostly Bloodless Action

Release Date: February 18, 2022 (Theaters)

The most complimentary thing I can say about Uncharted is that it made me want to fact-check its claims about Ferdinand Magellan. But actually now that I think about it, I probably would have preferred if it had just fabulated some wild, obviously false claims about that real-life explorer. For what it’s worth, some quick googling and Wikipedia referencing confirms the broad outlines of Uncharted‘s history lessons. Which is to say: despite what you may have heard, Magellan did NOT circumnavigate the globe, as he died before the expedition was complete, though the surviving members of his crew did manage to make it all the way around. Anyway, I suppose that’s meant to be thematically relevant, insofar as it has something to do with the power of second chances? But really, it’s of course just an excuse for some Indiana Jones-style globetrotting.

Tom Holland is excited to be there as up-and-coming treasure hunter Nathan Drake, while Mark Wahlberg delivers the cynicism as Victor “Sully” Sullivan, who’s happy to let everyone else do all the hard work. PlayStation devotees already know who these guys are, but it doesn’t take any special expertise to recognize that this a video game movie. I’m not just talking about how Nathan is constantly jumping from platform to platform (there are plenty of non-video game movies that feature characters escaping from tight situations!) as much as I’m calling out how this adaptation feels so beholden to its source material. I’ve never played the games, so I don’t know how close the resemblance is or isn’t, but I can tell that something’s holding this movie back from the stratosphere. Contrast that with the National Treasure flicks, which are fairly straight-down-the-middle efforts that try to please every type of audience, but they at least have the good sense to feature ludicrous premises. Meanwhile, you’ll want to join Nathan and Sully’s trip only if you’ve already booked a ticket.

Uncharted is Recommended If You Like: Watered-down versions of the classics

Grade: 2 out of 5 Treasure Maps

Entertainment To-Do List: Week of 2/11/22

February 11, 2022

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Inventing Anna (CREDIT: Aaron Epstein/Netflix)

Every week, I list all the upcoming (or recently released) movies, TV shows, albums, podcasts, etc. that I believe are worth checking out.

Movies
–Blacklight (Theaters) – Liam Neeson Action.
–Death on the Nile (Theaters) – Hercule Poirot (Kenneth Branagh Version) back on the case.
–I Want You Back (Amazon Prime Video)
–Marry Me (Theaters and Streaming on Peacock) – A rom-com for us.

TV
–Inventing Anna Series Premiere (February 11 on Netflix) – Fun with fraud.
-Puppy Bowl XVIII (February 13 on Animal Planet)

Music
-alt-J, The Dream
-Spoon, Lucifer on the Sofa
-Tegan and Sara, Still Jealous – A reimagining of their 2004 album So Jealous.
-Eddie Vedder, Earthling

Sports
-Super Bowl LVI (February 13 on NBC)

Will ‘Marry Me’ Make Us Merry?

February 10, 2022

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Marry Me (CREDIT: Barry Wetcher/Universal Pictures)

Starring: Jennifer Lopez, Owen Wilson, Maluma, John Bradley, Sarah Silverman, Chloe Coleman, Michell Buteau, Stephen Wallem, Jimmy Fallon, Jameela Jamil, Utkarsh Ambudkar

Director: Kat Coiro

Running Time: 112 Minutes

Rating: PG-13 for Fairly Mild Profanity

Release Date: February 11, 2022 (Theaters and Peacock)

Where does Marry Me the movie place in my rankings of pop cultural uses of that particular matrimonial phrase? Its opponents of course includes Maeby Fünke’s usage of it as a catchphrase on Arrested Development to deflect anyone and everyone’s suspicions about her actual age. And it’s also the title of indie rocker St. Vincent’s 2007 debut album (which was itself named after AD). So clearly the competition is pretty stiff! It’s even stiffer when you consider that there’s a song called “Marry Me” that’s performed multiple times in the movie. So in that sense, the film is competing against itself for Marry Me-dominance!

Okay, folks, I’m not going to jerk you around any longer: Arrested Development wins my vote for best use of “Marry Me.” But this new romantic comedy still has its own particular charms that are worth considering.

The premise is a modern day fairytale: Jennifer Lopez plays Kat Valdez, a pop superstar not too dissimilar from J. Lo herself. She’s all set to marry her musical/romantic partner Bastian (Colombian singer Maluma) in an extravagant onstage ceremony, but when she discovers that he’s been cheating on her, she suddenly chooses a random concertgoer in the form of single dad Charlie Gilbert (Owen Wilson) as a replacement groom. Their union is legally legit, but everything else is just for show for the tabloids and the Instagram-viewing masses, at least initially. Charlie hardly knows Kat anyway, as he was only at the show since his tween daughter Lou (Chloe Coleman) is a fan. He might also be the epitome of modern fiction’s social media-agnostic stock character, and if that character is going to be played by someone as effortlessly charming as Wilson, then I’m here for it!

Marry Me really comes alive in the quiet two-hander moments when it’s just Lopez and Wilson on screen. His advice about the publicity machine being B.S. might be simple and far from revolutionary, but it’s also tender and wonderfully supportive. “Support” is really the key word here, as both Charlie and Kat are surrounded by endlessly loyal friends who know just how to nudge things in the right direction. And in addition to all that, there’s a subplot about a middle school math contest, with Charlie as a coach and Lou as one of the mathletes. So therefore I must say, if back in 2001 when I was in seventh grade, Jennifer Lopez had randomly shown up at one of my math contests, that would have been pretty cool. And while a movie version of that scenario might not be quite as magical as the real-life hypothetical, it’s still something I’m happy to have experienced.

Marry Me is Recommended If You Like: Dreaming the Improbable Dream, Turning the cameras off to have a conversation, Math puns

Grade: 3 out of 5 Pi-thons

How Well Does ‘I Want You Back’ Handle Its Manipulative Premise? Let’s Find Out!

February 9, 2022

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I Want You Back (CREDIT: © 2021 Amazon Content Services LLC)

Starring: Charlie Day, Jenny Slate, Gina Rodriguez, Scott Eastwood, Manny Jacinto, Clark Backo, Omar Gooding, Dylan Gelula, Isabel May, Pete Davidson, Jami Gertz

Director: Jason Orley

Running Time: 111 Minutes

Rating: R for Adults Behaving Hot and Bothered

Release Date: February 11, 2022 (Amazon Prime Video)

Plenty of romantic comedies feature highly manipulative, perhaps even psychopathic behavior, and I Want You Back is just the latest example. That feature of the genre isn’t in and of itself a bad thing. It all just depends on how you present it. If you’re going for something cynical or a heightened/surreal vibe, then this behavior fits perfectly. If however you want to conclude with the sweet-as-treacle traditional happily-ever-after, then the message might end up a whole heck of a lot darker than intended. In the case of I Want You Back … it’s complicated. It features likable actors who can go vicious or weird if that’s what’s asked of them, but this time they’re aiming for something more grounded and thoughtful. But they’re not perfect either. They make some bad decisions, eventually they have to deal with the consequences, and the narrative grapples with how to move forward from those consequences.

Here’s the setup: Peter (Charlie Day) and Emma (Jenny Slate) are both blindsided when they’re dumped from their respective long-term relationships. Breakups are always hard, but these ones are especially tough, because these two mortal fools have convinced themselves that their now-exes (Scott Eastwood, Gina Rodriguez) were The Ones for them. So when they have a chance encounter in the office building where they both work, they hatch a scheme wherein they will rip apart the new relationship of the other’s ex so that they can be reunited. Along the way, they get up to a few shenanigans, deliver some chuckle-worthy dialogue, forge some unlikely friendships, and learn a little bit about themselves. But the clock is ticking, and The Truth Bomb is just waiting to go off…

Let’s jump ahead to discuss the point when Peter and Emma’s scheme fully unravels. Predictably, everyone who’s been an unwitting pawn is so aghast at the lack of forthrightness and integrity when they thought everything had been genuine. It would be realistic if everyone remained angry with each other for weeks, months, or even years afterward. But instead, they talk it out. Is it enough to justify a happy ending? Maybe, maybe not. I’m not personally sure myself. But I am certain that it’s ultimately healthiest to address these emotionally distressing situations head-on. It may be supremely difficult, but settling on anger most likely means allowing these situations to fester into something even more toxic. Since I Want You Back recognizes that, it mostly wins my approval.

I Want You Back is Recommended If You Like: Sitcom Stars in Movies, Quarter-Life Crises, Abortive threesomes

Grade: 3 out of 5 Airplane Safety Masks

Entertainment To-Do List: Week of 2/4/22

February 4, 2022

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Suspicion (CREDIT: Apple TV+)

Every week, I list all the upcoming (or recently released) movies, TV shows, albums, podcasts, etc. that I believe are worth checking out.

Movies
–Jackass Forever (Theaters)
–Lingui, The Sacred Bonds (Theaters)
–Moonfall (Theaters)
–The Worst Person in the World (Theaters)
–New York Ninja (2/10 in New York) – A movie shot in 1984, but only recently completed. (It’s arriving in theaters in various cities on various dates.)

TV
–Suspicion Series Premiere (February 4 on Apple TV+) – I’m mostly watching this for Elizabeth Henstridge.
–Jeopardy! National College Championship Premiere (February 8-22 on ABC)
–Disenchantment Part 4 (February 9 on Netflix)

Music
-Animal Collective, Time Skiffs
-Korn, Requiem
-Mitski, Laurel Hell

Sports
-2022 Winter Olympics (February 2-20 on NBC, USA, CNBC, and Peacock) – The opening ceremony is on February 4, but some events start before that.

‘Moonfall’ Knocks Everything Out of Orbit

February 3, 2022

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Moonfall (CREDIT: Reiner Bajo/Lionsgate)

Starring: Patrick Wilson, Halle Berry, John Bradley, Michael Peña, Charlie Plummer, Kelly Yu, Eme Ikwuakor, Carolina Bartczak, Maxim Roy, Stephen Bogaert, Azriel Dalman, Donald Sutherland

Director: Roland Emmerich

Running Time: 130 Minutes

Rating: PG-13 for The Regular End-of-the-World Chaos

Release Date: February 4, 2022 (Theaters)

Given its title, I had hoped that German disaster auteur Roland Emmerich’s Moonfall would be some sort of random rebuke to James Bond’s Skyfall. I don’t know what that would entail exactly, but I can’t help but think in puns. But instead, this end-of-the-world epic is actually some sort of unholy union at the intersection between Transformers: Dark of the Moon and The Matrix Resurrections. The former because of the secrets that have been hiding out for generations on Earth’s satellite, and the latter because of the urgency for humans to live alongside artificial intelligence.

Emmerich is of course known for blowing up the world in the likes of Independence Day, The Day After Tomorrow, and 2012, but he’s also known for his conspiracy theory streak. Remember 2011’s Anonymous, which posited that William Shakespeare wasn’t actually the author of his plays? Most people don’t! If you do, though, the inner workings of Moonfall might seem somewhat less inexplicable. But only a little.

So the deal is, there’s been this massive coverup on the part of NASA ever since astronauts Brian Harper (Patrick Wilson) and Jo Fowler (Halle Berry) lost a fellow spacefarer to what appears to be an attack from electrical interference that’s taken the form of a swarm of locusts. This leads to a coverup, which predictably tears Brian’s life apart. Meanwhile, this random dude named K.C. (John Bradley) has been going on and on about how the Moon’s orbit is changing, and I’m no expert in astrophysics, but that doesn’t sound so good. For some reason, nobody on NASA has noticed this until now because – as far as I can tell – they just haven’t bothered to look down at the data. Anyway, Patrick, Jo, and K.C. all eventually head to the Moon, where they learn both that the coverup has been going on for basically all of human history and also that the artificial intelligence behind the attacks is actually apparently trying to help out humanity. So I’m left wondering: why did it have to be so deadly to get everyone’s attention?

Back on Earth, Brian’s kids, ex-wife (Carolina Bartczak), and her new husband (Michael Peña) are walking through the snow in Aspen, Colorado to find somewhere safe. And I don’t know what this has to do with anything! Yes, I realize that disaster movies usually have ostensibly more grounded stories to anchor our emotions, but it helps if it’s clear what those grounded stories have to do with the disaster. Maybe that connection was explained at some point, and I just forgot. Oh well, at least the conspiracy theories are plenty loopy. If only there had been even more loopiness.

Moonfall is Recommended If You Like: Half-baked conspiracy theories, Halle Berry realizing there’s an emergency, Random court scenes

Grade: 2.5 out of 5 Orbits

‘Jackass Forever’ Just Might Be the Most Beautiful Film of the Year

February 3, 2022

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jackass forever (CREDIT: Paramount Pictures and MTV Entertainment Studios)

Starring: Johnny Knoxville, Steve-O, Wee Man, Chris Pontius, Dave England, Danger Ehren, Preston Lacy, Sean “Poopies” McInerney, Jasper Dolphin, Zach Holmes, Rachel Wolfson, Eric Manaka, Compston “Darkshark” Wilson

Director: Jeff Tremaine

Running Time: 96 Minutes

Rating: R for Ill-Advised Stunts That Frequently Involve Bodily Fluids and Result in All Sorts of Injuries

Release Date: February 4, 2022 (Theaters)

I’m tempted to say that the Jackass movies are like a descent into hell, but that actually couldn’t be further from the truth, paradoxically enough. Despite being filled with sadistic and masochistic mayhem, they’re joyous documents about best buds who are so grateful that they’re still able to spend this much time together doing what they love. A better description is to call these flicks endurance tests. Not so much for the performers, who presumably have rest and recovery periods built into their schedules, but for the audience, who must experience this gauntlet in a compressed hour-and-a-half go-round. I never watched the original MTV series, but that’s okay, because I believe that feature-length is actually the ideal format. There may be minimal narrative connective tissue, but it’s truly transportative to spend that much uninterrupted time in a space where all the rules of good taste and common sense have been annihilated.

The other great appeal of a new Jackass outing in 2022 is the opportunity to check in on everybody. It’s been more than two decades since the show premiered, and more than ten years since the last movie (unless you count the more story-driven Bad Grandpa). Most of the dialogue in Jackass Forever consists of Johnny Knoxville and his cohorts expressing wonderment and disbelief that they’re still alive and still doing “the same stupid shit.” (That is, when they’re not screaming in wit-and-expletive-filled agony.) At this point, this is perhaps the longest-running experiment to see how much physical and psychological torture human beings can endure. And the conclusion should be: a whole hell of a lot, but it helps a great deal if there’s an understanding that everybody is on the same team and same page as each other. It’s not for nothing that one intense moment includes a sudden shouting of consent-granting.

Jackass Forever is also an opportunity for the fanbase to take stock of how they themselves have grown and matured (or not) over the years. For me personally, I remain generally pretty good about convincing my brain and body that they can handle the most extreme action, though I can become easily overwhelmed by the most scatological discursion. However, I did discover one striking difference in my fortitude. 2006’s Jackass Number Two was my first exposure to the franchise, back when I was an 18-year-old college freshman. A notorious scene in that entry involving horse semen had me gagging, but a very similar episode in Forever was perfectly bearable. I guess that says something about what I’ve been exposed to during my adult years. I hope and imagine that most viewers of Jackass Forever will also learn something new about themselves.

jackass forever is Recommended If You Like: The X Games, Un Chien Andalou, The bonhomie of the Fast and Furious franchise

Grade: 4 out of 5 Bruises

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