This Is a Movie Review: ‘Game Over Man’ Posits: What If ‘Die Hard,’ But with a Scene of Analingus?

March 23, 2018

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CREDIT: Cate Cameron/Netflix

This review was originally posted on News Cult in March 2018.

Starring: Blake Anderson, Adam DeVine, Anders Holm, Utkarsh Ambudkar, Neal McDonough, Jamie Demetriou, Aya Cash, Rhona Mitra, Sam Richardson, Daniel Stern

Director: Kyle Newacheck

Running Time: 98 Minutes

Rating: Not Rated, But It Would Be a Hard R for Nudity Leading to Violence, Leading to More Violence (Basically Both Naked and Clothed Bodies Are Mutilated and Exploded)

Release Date: March 23, 2018 (Streaming on Netflix)

Suppose you want to shamelessly rip off Die Hard. It’s a reasonable enough desire. Plenty of folks have done it already. It was practically its own sub-genre for a while there. The knockouts have tapered, but the original is still there for new generations to discover and grow up loving. Thus the Workaholics trio of Blake Anderson, Adam DeVine, and Anders Holm have delivered to the bowels of the Netflix original realm Game Over, Man! in which the height of action thriller cinema is crossed with video game excess. What results is less a narrative movie and more a bizarre wish fulfillment fantasy.

Instead of off-duty cop John McClane, Game Over, Man! gives us The Dew Crew, three hotel workers thus named because of their affinity for a certain soft drink (even though we almost never see them drinking any Mountain Dew). Fashioning themselves entrepreneurs, they attempt to get financing for their “Skintendo Joysuit” (basically a full-body video game controller) from a vulgar celebrity (Utkarsh Ambudkar) partying at the hotel, but that is all derailed, of course, by a team of big-time thieves.

The Dew Crew get the McClane role by virtue of happenstance keeping them away while all the hostages are rounded up. So of course we know they will end up saving the day, but it is a wonder that they do not end up killing themselves instead. DeVine, for one, can never get beyond the mindset that they are in a real-life video game, as he remains singularly focused on getting the kill that the other two have already achieved. Anderson and Holm manage to have a little more awareness of the severity of the situation, but their survival is still mostly attributable to coincidence.

Anderson, DeVine, and Holm have clearly been given free rein to be as graphic as possible, and they take full advantage o. Body parts are variously mutilated and exploded, while there is plenty of male nudity, including one detached member that plays a pivotal climactic role. The shock routine is clearly meant to draw the laughs out, but the trouble is, there is no zest, no finesse to the deployment. Extremity for extremity’s sake can serve the purpose of disrupting snobbish tastes, but when you have an already receptive audience (which the Netflix algorithm will work to ensure), the effect is just numbing.

Game Over, Man! is Recommended If You Like: Excessive Violence and Excessive Comic Nudity

Grade: 2 out of 5 Vapes

This Is a Movie Review: ‘Midnight Sun’ is a Mostly Bearable Slice of Teen Weepie Emotional Porn

March 23, 2018

jmunney Cinema, Movie Reviews , , , , , 1 Comment

CREDIT: Global Road Entertainment

This review was originally published on News Cult in March 2018.

Starring: Bella Thorne, Patrick Schwarzenegger, Rob Riggle, Quinn Shephard

Director: Scott Speer

Running Time: 91 Minutes

Rating: PG-13, Because Even Tame Teen Movies Are Rated PG-13

Release Date: March 23, 2018

It’s time for me to just come right out and admit: I have a soft spot for high school movies. How else could I explain my generally positive feelings toward the relatively unheralded Midnight Sun? The dialogue is hokey, and every little decision about what to do is super dramatic. This is all typical of the genre, and it is especially pronounced in this case. But in general, we like to give these excesses a pass, because adolescence is the height of hormonal awkwardness. And in the specific case of Midnight Sun, it is no big deal, charming even, because the vibes are good and everyone is looking out for each other.

Katie Price (Bella Thorne) is a 17-year-old with xeroderma pigmentosum, a potentially deadly sensitivity to sunlight. So she spends her days inside with her loving, protective, widowed father Jack (Rob Riggle). Besides Dad and her team of doctors, the only in-person interaction of note she has had over the years is with her best friend Morgan (Quinn Shephard), who made her way into Katie’s life by sheer force of personality. Since Katie can never venture outside during the day, it makes practical sense that she has never interacted with the boy she is pining after, much more so than is typical for the genre. When that fella, Charlie (Patrick Schwarzenegger), chances to bump into her one night, they are pretty much a perfect item immediately. Since they act like actual teenagers, that initial super-spark does not track as totally unbelievable perfection.

Midnight Sun lays the emotional porn on thick, but it’s not like it is trying to hide its intentions. This is the type of film designed to get the waterworks going, and building the story around a chronic life-threatening disease is a quick, easy way to pull that off. But it is all justified by the fact that the emotions are so grounded. This is a movie in which everyone wants what is best for Katie and she wants what is best for them. They ask her to be honest, and the only times she ever fails to do so are when she does not want someone new to have to bear the burden of her disease. All of the relationships – familial, friendly, romantic – are healthy and admirable, and it is just satisfying to behold that.

It must also be said that Rob Riggle is a bit of a revelation here. From what I know of his career, he has never really stepped out beyond comedy, where he has settled into a niche of partly intimidating, but mostly charming bonhomie. He still more or less fills that role in Midnight Sun, but he recalibrates just enough to be the super-masculine dad who is really a big softie. And the movie needs him to pull that off, because someone has to deliver with conviction lines like “We’re in luck, ’cause she’s one in a million” (in response to being told that the chances of an obscure study leading to a viable treatment option are one in a million). That moment is the height of Midnight Sun’s dorkiness, and thanks to Riggle, I cannot help but love it.

Midnight Sun is Recommended If You Like: The Fault in Our Stars, Everything, Everything, A Walk to Remember

Grade: 3 out of 5 Acoustic Guitars

This Is a Movie Review: ‘Pacific Rim: Uprising’ Has a Few Interesting Moments Buried Within an Indifferently Presented Spectacle

March 22, 2018

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CREDIT: Legendary Pictures/Universal Pictures

This review was originally posted on News Cult in March 2018.

Starring: John Boyega, Scott Eastwood, Cailee Spaeny, Charlie Day, Rinko Kikuchi, Burn Gorman, Jing Tian

Director: Steven S. DeKnight

Running Time: 111 Minutes

Rating: PG-13 for Kaiju Guts, Tech Sparks, and Human Cuts and Bruises

Release Date: March 23, 2018

Pacific Rim: Uprising does not offer much in the way of a new paradigm in the annals of giant mecha or giant monsters. Honestly, the first Pacific Rim did not really offer that either. To be fair, this series’ purpose in terms of concept and design has never really been about establishing something groundbreaking (to my eyes, anyway). It has been more about the distillation of the gigantic tech and creature genres into something approaching an ideal form. That approach is all well and good as an academic exercise, but it does not have enough inherent oomph to ensure a fully entertaining feature-length film.

It is ten years since humans won the war against the interdimensional beings known as the Kaiju. There has been no hint of another breach by these creatures into Earth, but the training programs designed to fight against them are still operating. There is a weird mix between a sense of security that the threat has been permanently neutralized and an ever-present emphasis on defense. This seeming paradox is never commented upon, which gives the sense that this film has an ill-defined understanding of its own world. But it doesn’t really matter, because sure enough the Kaiju do return, and it is a good thing that the Jaeger program never folded.

The Jaegers were the one great concept of the first Pacific Rim, but in Uprising, their usage is rather perfunctory. As the mental stress is so great, these metallic war machines must be simultaneously operated by two pilots. They are neurally connected to each other, creating a partnership so intimate that they share not just responsibilities but memories and physiology as well, for a connection that lies somewhere between artificial and chemical. The main partnership this time is that between Jake Pentecost (John Boyega), the son of a hero from the first film who gets his personality across mostly through his ice cream eating habits, and Amara (Cailee Spaeny), who gets cool points for building her own Jaeger but mostly comes across as the thinnest of archetypes. These two have only one notable memory-sharing moment, and it registers as little more than just hitting a necessary story beat.

The PR:U trailers position Boyega as the star, and while he does lead the way in screen time, the only notable degree of star power among the cast comes from Charlie Day, returning as the eccentric Dr. Newt Geiszler. He is emblematic of how this film has no idea what to do with its best assets. Newt has been in a bit of a mind-meld relationship with a Kaiju specimen, which might just have something to do with why they have returned. So to a certain extent, he is the main villain this time around. But inexplicably, he spends the entire climax just overlooking the action and not participating in it at all. This is a film that has its toys lined up but little in the way of a plan (or an interesting plan, that is) for how to deploy them.

Pacific Rim: Uprising is Recommended If You Like: Kaiju Fever, John Boyega Making Himself a Sundae, Charlie Day Given Plenty of Space (But Not Enough) to Go Crazy

Grade: 2 out of 5 Kaiju Wives

Billboard Hot Rock Songs – Week of March 24, 2018

March 20, 2018

jmunney Billboard Charts, Billboard Hot Rock Songs, Music , , , Leave a comment

Each week, I check out the Billboard Hot Rock Songs chart, and then I rearrange the top 25 based on my estimation of their quality. I used to rank all 25, now I just rank the cream of the crop.

Original Version
1. Imagine Dragons – “Thunder”
2. Imagine Dragons – “Whatever It Takes”
3. Portugal. The Man – “Feel It Still”
4. Imagine Dragons – “Believer”
5. Bad Wolves – “Zombie”
6. Foster the People – “Sit Next to Me”
7. Alice Merton – “No Roots”
8. Walk the Moon – “One Foot”
9. Shinedown – “Devil”
10. Imagine Dragons – “Next to Me”
11. Five Finger Death Punch – “Gone Away”
12. Portugal. The Man – “Live in the Moment”
13. lovelytheband – “Broken”
14. Three Days Grace – “The Mountain”
15. James Bay – “Wild Love”
16. The Band of Heathens – “Hurricane”
17. James Bay – “Pink Lemonade”
18. Muse – “Thought Contagion”
19. Nathaniel Rateliff & the Night Sweats – “You Worry Me”
20. Breaking Benjamin – “Red Cold River”
21. The Killers – “Run for Cover”
22. Godsmack – “Bulletproof”
23. Two Feet – “I Feel Like I’m Drowning”
24. Vance Joy – “Saturday Sun”
25. Greta van Fleet – “Safari Song”

Jmunney’s Revision
1. No Roots
2. Feel It Still
3. You Worry Me
4. I Feel Like I’m Drowning
5. Wild Love
6. Pink Lemonade
7. Hurricane
8. Live in the Moment
9. Safari Song
10. Run for Cover
11. Thought Contagion

Billboard Hot 20 – Week of March 24, 2018

March 20, 2018

jmunney Billboard Charts, Billboard Hot 100, Music , Leave a comment

Each week, I check out the Billboard Hot 100, and then I rearrange the top 20 based on my estimation of their quality. I used to rank all 20, now I just rank the cream of the crop.

Original Version
1. Drake – “God’s Plan”
2. Ed Sheeran – “Perfect”
3. Bruno Mars and Cardi B – “Finesse”
4. Bebe Rexha and Florida Georgia Line – “Meant to Be”
5. Post Malone ft. Ty Dolla $ign – “Psycho”
6. Zedd, Maren Morris, and Grey – “The Middle”
7. Camila Cabello ft. Young Thug – “Havana”
8. The Weeknd and Kendrick Lamar – “Pray for Me”
9. BlocBoy ft. Drake – “Look Alive”
10. Kendrick Lamar and SZA – “All the Stars”
11. Migos – “Stir Fry”
12. Post Malone ft. 21 Savage – “Rockstar”
13. NF – “Let You Down”
14. Dua Lipa – “New Rules”
15. Offset and Metro Boomin – “Ric Flair Drip”
16. Camila Cabello – “Never Be the Same”
17. Bazzi – “Mine”
18. G-Eazy and Halsey – “Him & I”
19. XXXTentacion – “Sad!”
20. Imagine Dragons – “Thunder”

Jmunney’s Revision
1. New Rules
2. Pray for Me
3. All the Stars
4. Havana
5. Never Be the Same

This Is a Movie Review: ‘Final Portrait’ is a Frustrating Presentation of a Frustrated Artist

March 20, 2018

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CREDIT: Sony Pictures Classics

This review was originally posted on News Cult in March 2018.

Starring: Armie Hammer, Geoffrey Rush, Tony Shalhoub, Clémence Poésy, Sylvie Testud

Director: Stanley Tucci

Running Time: 90 Minutes

Rating: R for Artistic Frustration F-Bombs and a Few Slips of Nudity

Release Date: March 23, 2018 (Limited)

Can we please, as a society, be done with the idea that artists are just slaves to inspiration that comes and goes as it pleases and is totally beyond their control? Sure, there is something ineffable about sparks of creativity, but the actual act of creation requires discipline and firm decision-making, i.e., things that are within our control. Now, films that portray artists who insist on being totally subject to the whims of the universe are not necessarily in agreement with this philosophy. In the case of Final Portrait, writer-director Stanley Tucci is more interested in the friendship between Swiss painter Alberto Giacometti (Geoffrey Rush) and American writer James Lord (Armie Hammer) than in making any judgment on Giacometti’s chaos. But when such excess is presented matter-of-factly, it tends to be incredibly frustrating.

While visiting Paris in 1964, Lord agrees to be painted for a portrait by Giacometti, who assures him that the sitting will last “an afternoon at the most.” But that afternoon lasts into one more day, and soon enough that extra day has ballooned into a fortnight. Sometimes, Giacometti’s pauses are legitimate, as when he is running a fever or has business to attend to. Other times he just wants to eat, or he doesn’t even bother coming up with an excuse. It is essentially stated at one point that this state of incompletion is where he feels most comfortable. Rush’s wild mane is perfect for Giacometti’s untamed nature, and Hammer is the ideal fit for Lord’s constant bemusement. But overall, we and James are stuck in a dour loop that has us thinking, “Shouldn’t this be over already?” And it certainly does not help that this is taking place during what is apparently the cloudiest two-week stretch in Parisian history.

Elsewhere, there is some business involving Giacometti’s prostitute companion/frequent model Caroline (Clémence Poésy) and his frustrated wife Annette (Sylvie Testud), but hardly anything of note happens in those plot threads. That portion of the film is unceremoniously wrapped up by Giacometti paying off a couple of pimps with huge wads of cash.

There are a few moments that break up the excruciation, like a driving montage set to breezy ’60s French pop music. Giacometti and Lord’s occasional walks are welcome, as it is pleasant to just be outside. Plus, those strolls provide loopy non sequiturs, like Giacometti’s query of “Have you ever wanted to be a tree?” As a portrait of a friendship, Final Portrait has its moments, but as a portrait of a portrait, it never focuses enough on the tension of when James Lord will finally break free.

Final Portrait is Recommended If You Like: Geoffrey Rush Squinting, Armie Hammer’s Face Acting, Watching Someone Quickly Gulp Down Wine and Coffee

Grade: 2.5 out of 5 Sitdowns

This Is a Movie Review: ‘Isle of Dogs’ is an Adorable Allegorical Adventure About the Dangers of Fascism

March 20, 2018

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CREDIT: Fox Searchlight Pictures

This review was originally published on News Cult in March 2018.

Starring: Bryan Cranston, Koyu Rankin, Edward Norton, Bill Murray, Bob Balaban, Jeff Goldblum, Kunichi Nomura, Akira Takayama, Greta Gerwig, Frances McDormand, Akira Ito, Scarlett Johansson, Harvey Keitel, F. Murray Abraham, Yoko Ono, Tilda Swinton, Ken Watanabe, Mari Natsuki, Fisher Stevens, Nijiro Murakami, Liev Schreiber, Courtney B. Vance

Director: Wes Anderson

Running Time: 101 Minutes

Rating: PG-13 for Dog-on-Dog Violence and Dictatorial Tendencies

Release Date: March 23, 2018 (Limited)

“Whatever happened to man’s best friend?” Nothing, right? We human beings still love dogs, and that cannot possibly ever change! But what if something so terrible happened that it could make us turn on them? One of the functions of fiction is training ourselves to handle horrible hypotheticals. Thus, with the stop-motion animated Isle of Dogs, Wes Anderson has delivered an invaluable how-to guide for if the world should ever turn so severely on our furry companions.

Twenty years in the future, Japan has banished its entire canine population to the bluntly literally named Trash Island, due to a widespread outbreak of snout fever and dog flu. The two conditions appear to be connected as how HIV can lead to AIDS. In this dystopia, the fear from those in charge that the disease could spread to humans is enough to override any bounty of puppy love, despite promising progress for a cure. So intrepid folks must step up on their own to save the dogs, like the young boy Atari (Koyu Rankin), an orphaned ward of the state adopted by his distant uncle, Mayor Kobayashi (Kunichi Nomura). Atari ventures to Trash Island to save his canine protector Spots (Liev Schreiber), who also happens to be the outbreak’s Dog Zero. Joining up with him in his quest are a group of other cast-off dogs with variations on the same sort of name – Rex (Edward Norton), King (Bob Balaban), Boss (Bill Murray), and Duke (Jeff Goldblum) – as well as Chief (Bryan Cranston), the fiercely independent stray who has always lived on his own.

An island entirely populated by dogs might sound like the pinnacle of Wes Anderson giving into his most indulgent instincts, but the darkness of the premise is enough to assuage any of those concerns. Plus, the animation does not hold back from the more aesthetically displeasing elements. These pups are mangy, with fur falling off and distorted pupils. They are also fairly irritable; one early standoff results in an ear getting bit off. Isle of Dogs works as an adventure film as well as it does because it does not back away from the danger, while still bringing plenty of fun to that peril. Fight scenes are portrayed in cartoon chaos clouds, while an accidental trip through a trash incinerator is met with droll acceptance. The set pieces are whimsical, but the stakes are life-or-death.

Isle of Dogs could easily be appreciated just for its surface level sensations, but like so many talking animal flicks, there is an allegory lurking not too far below. And considering current worldwide political trends, Wes Anderson’s anti-fascist storytelling is profoundly welcome. Quarantining a contagious population is an understandable disease control tactic, but what happens to these dogs is more banishment than quarantine. And when a solution appears to be possible, Mayor Kobayashi hides that development for the sake of retaining power, trotting out clearly fraudulent election results in the process. BoJack Horseman-style anthropomorphic dogspeak (“my brother from another litter”) helps it go down easy, but these are heavy ideas that deserve and are granted careful consideration.

A few more items worth noting: even though the setting is Japan, the dogs just about exclusively speak English, even when communicating with humans speaking Japanese. In fact, there is a good deal of American and Japanese cultural mixing. All the political machinations are translated by an interpreter (Frances McDormand), apparently for American and other English-speaking audiences, and an American exchange student (Greta Gerwig) leads a revolt against Kobayashi. The bilingual setup feels woven together mostly seamlessly, though I do wonder if Asian audiences might have a different take on the matter than I do. And I would be terribly remiss if I did not mention Alexandre Desplat’s excellent score, pounded along by unrelenting taiko drums, keeping the tension both constantly uneasy and delicious.

Isle of Dogs is Recommended If You Like: Wes Anderson Symmetry, Fantastic Mr. Fox, Animal Farm, Zootopia, The Goonies, BoJack Horseman

Grade: 4.5 out of 5 Puppy Snaps

 

This Is a Movie Review: Steven Soderbergh Captures Claire Foy Possibly Losing Her Mind in His Latest ‘Unsane’ Experiment

March 20, 2018

jmunney Cinema, Movie Reviews , , , , , , , , 1 Comment

CREDIT: Fingerprint Releasing/Bleecker Street

This review was originally published on News Cult in March 2018.

Starring: Claire Foy, Jay Pharoah, Joshua Leonard, Aimee Mullins, Amy Irving, Juno Temple, Polly McKie

Director: Steven Soderbergh

Running Time: 98 Minutes

Rating: R for Pill-Induced Distortion, Unsanitary Use of a Tampon, and a Violent Spree

Release Date: March 23, 2018

Steven Soderbergh has made a career out of messing around with the standard bounds of cinema, often in ways that could come off as a gimmick in the hands of a less assured director. His latest, Unsane, sets itself apart with its iPhone 7 Plus 4K cinematography (credited to Soderbergh himself). Smartphone photography is certainly advanced enough to make a feature film look as professional as it ought to, so for those who are capable, the smartphone option simply deserves to be added to the docket of available cameras. Thematically, an iPhone fits Unsane’s story of a woman committed to a mental institution against her will, as it compresses the depth of field and lends a dull sheen that lingers in the uncanny valley between intimate and detached.

Sawyer Valentini (Claire Foy) is a businesswoman rising up the corporate ladder, but she is haunted by a troubled past and feelings of loneliness in a new city. The nature of her job is never fully specified (kind of hilariously), but it appears to have something to do with customer service, and she also appears to have power to hire and fire. She has been dealing with occasionally crippling anxiety caused by a stalker . After one particularly bad episode, she drops by for a therapy session, which leads to her signing some forms, which somehow results in her being committed to a mental facility and unable to leave, as she has been declared a danger to herself and to others.

Sawyer’s circumstances quickly become too sinister for this to be a simple mistake or an innocent misdiagnosis, suggesting that a conspiracy is afoot. A staff member (Joshua Leonard) appears to be her stalker in disguise – has he orchestrated the whole thing? Or is the truth to be found from the most well-adjusted resident (Jay Pharoah), who divulges to Sawyer that she is the victim of an insurance scam in which the institution forces people to be committed for as long as their coverage will pay for it? Or is it some combination of forces, working together, or simultaneously coincidentally all ganging up on Sawyer? Of course, there is also the possibility that this could all be in her head, as everything unspools from her point of view the whole time.

This could be a formula for devastatingly unsettling ambiguity, but Soderbergh is not especially concerned about questioning the nature of reality. This is more just a setup for him to explore his particular tastes in psychological and claustrophobic thrills. In many respects, Unsane is satisfying simply on a lurid and pulpy level. Soderbergh does definitely dig deeper than that, presenting in stark terms how both institutional and corporate life can be dehumanizing, their loss of morals too easily justified with a sweep under the rug. Those moments of carelessness and lack of empathy do not usually result in ordeals as dangerous as Sawyer’s, but the opportunities for abuse are there for those who want to take advantage of them.

Unsane is Recommended If You Like: Side Effects, Shutter Island, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Gone Girl

Grade: 4 out of 5 Medical Forms

SNL Review March 17, 2018: Bill Hader/Arcade Fire

March 19, 2018

jmunney Saturday Night Live, SNL Weekly Recaps, Television , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

CREDIT: Kailey Fellows/NBC

My letter grades for each sketch and segment is below. My in-depth review is on NewsCult: http://newscult.com/snl-love-itkeep-itleave-bill-haderarcade-fire/

Anderson Cooper 360 – B-

Bill Hader’s Monologue – B

The Californians – C+

Kiss Me I’m Irish – C+

Older Husband – B

Jurassic Park Screen Tests – B-

Arcade Fire perform “Creature Comfort” – B+

Weekend Update
The Jokes – B
Betsy DeVos – B-
Pete Davidson – B-
Stefon – A-

Spirit Quest Lodge – C+

CBC News Hour – B-

Arcade Fire perform “Put Your Money on Me” – B+

Undercover Office Potty (BEST OF THE NIGHT) – A-

This Is a Movie Review: The New ‘Tomb Raider’ is the Old Everything Else

March 15, 2018

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CREDIT: Ilzek Kitshoff/Warner Bros.

This review was originally posted on News Cult in March 2018.

Starring: Alicia Vikander, Dominic West, Walton Goggins, Daniel Wu, Kristin Scott Thomas

Director: Roar Uthaug

Running Time: 118 Minutes

Rating: PG-13 for Bloody Violence in Which the Camera Cuts Away Before You See the Worst of It, and Indiana Jones-Style Skin Decomposition

Release Date: March 16, 2018

The latest big screen version of Tomb Raider supposedly justifies its existence by positioning itself as Lara Croft’s origin story, but it could hardly be considered untold, as it is fundamentally derivative of every other entry in the globetrotting action-adventure genre. Even if you have not seen the Angelina Jolie TR films or never played any of the video games (like myself), chances are you will still feel like you have already seen this “new” one. This is basically a video game transferred to a different medium, but without actually adapting it into cinematic form. To wit, Alicia Vikander’s Lara spends most of her time solving puzzles (like arranging rocks to open a cave door) or jumping across platforms (like bouncing around all the boats in a crowded dock to escape some baddies). Again, the conclusion to be drawn is: you’ve seen this all before, better and elsewhere.

The mythology that kicks Tomb Raider’s plot into motion is fairly fascinating: Himiko, Queen of Yamatai, is said to have had power over life and death, with the ability to kill people just by touching them. Lara’s father Richard (Dominic West) has spent much of his life tracking her down. After disappearing for years during his search, he is presumed dead, and an absentee dad is only the first classic genre trope TR makes sure to give us. We also get the timeless purity-vs-profitability conflict, as naturally enough the villain is Richard’s rival archaeologist Mathias Vogel (Walton Goggins), who only cares about getting rich off Himiko’s remains. Furthermore, the climax is essentially Indiana Jones-lite, with giant rolling rocks and unwise choices resulting in consequences akin to drinking from the wrong grail.

But despite all these shortcomings, I must accept that a fundamental aspect of my criticism (and all good criticism, I would argue) is identifying whether or not a film is exciting or boring. And on that score, Tomb Raider kept me engaged enough to feel like it was not a complete waste of time. Plus, it has a decently satisfying feminist bent, as any skin displayed by Lara primarily emphasizes Vikander’s athleticism, and at the moment when she thinks her father is being his most patronizing, he instead compliments her bravery. These are welcome elements, but they are mostly surface level. That shallowness prevents true terribleness, but it also leaves some uncomfortable implications less-than-fully addressed. Like, what is Mathias’ deal with wrangling up slave labor? There could have been an opportunity here for indelible villainy, but instead Tomb Raider plays it thoroughly safe.

Tomb Raider is Recommended If You Like: Every Indiana Jones knockoff, Watching someone else play a platform-jumping video game

Grade: 2.25 out of 5 Tank Tops

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