Billboard Hot 20 – Week of April 15, 2017

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Each week, I check out the Billboard Hot 100, and then I rearrange the top 20 based on my estimation of their quality. I used to rank all 20, now I just rank the cream of the crop.

Original Version
1. Ed Sheeran – “Shape of You”
2. Bruno Mars – “That’s What I Like”
3. The Chainsmokers and Coldplay – “Something Just Like This”
4. The Weeknd ft. Daft Punk – “I Feel It Coming”
5. KYLE ft. Lil Yachty – “iSpy”
6. Migos ft. Lil Uzi Vert – “Bad and Boujee”
7. Zayn and Taylor Swift – “I Don’t Wanna Live Forever (Fifty Shades Darker)”
8. Kodak Black – “Tunnel Vision”
9. The Chainsmokers – “Paris”
10. Drake – “Passionfruit”
11. Clean Bandit ft. Sean Paul and Anne-Marie – “Rockabye”
12. Sam Hunt – “Body Like a Back Road”
13. Katy Perry – “Chained to the Rhythm”
14. Rihanna – “Love on the Brain”
15. Kygo x Selena Gomez – “It Ain’t Me”
16. Big Sean – “Bounce Back”
17. Zedd and Alessia Cara – “Stay”
18. Future – “Mask Off”
19. James Arthur – “Say You Won’t Let Go”
20. The Chainsmokers ft. Halsey – “Closer”

Jmunney’s Revision
1. Chained to the Rhythm
2. Tunnel Vision
3. I Feel It Coming
4. Love on the Brain
5. Stay
6. Rockabye
7. Closer
8. Bad and Boujee

The Simpsons 28.19 Review: “The Caper Chase”

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I had a bit of a computer mishap this Sunday, so there was a fill-in reviewer on Bubbleblabber: http://www.bubbleblabber.com/review-the-simpsons-the-caper-chase/

So now here are my thoughts:
I’ve commented multiple times this season how modern Simpsons has an annoying knack for stuffing into a single episode multiple plots that could easily stand on their own. “The Caper Chase” seemingly had a formula to avoid that problem, as it remained focused on Burns’ for-profit college – and college in general – throughout. But alas, it stuffed too many threads (liberal campus excesses, inspirational teacher homage, Ex Machina parody) within that main idea.
And now for some memorable quotes and other observations:
-Jason Alexander has a knack for playing paragons of pomposity like Bourbon Verlander, despite being miles away from George Costanza.
-I loved the one New Yorker randomly yelling “Verrazano Bridge!”
-“I’ll buy you a new library if you have them killed.”
-“Former Bonesman.” “Living or dead?”
-“University of Phoenix, Oklahoma, in Washington State”
-Somehow I was more charmed than offended by the TV recapper dig. Maybe it had something to do with not having to fully review this ep.
-“Well I, you know, the button stuff.”
-“Hey, you’re not the cop around here! I am!”
-Yale is not a Division III school.

What Won TV? – March 26-April 1, 2017

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In this feature, I look back at each day of the past week and determine what shows “won TV” for the night. That is, I consider every episode of television I watched that aired on a particular day and declare which was the best.

Sunday – A Bob’s Burgers twofer – the debate on top
Monday – Jane the Virgin
Tuesday – New Girl floored me: (SPOILER) Schmidt?! (SPOILER) still loves (SPOILER)?!
Wednesday – Full Frontal reveals that Government Works!
Thursday – Review stopped, but Forrest MacNeil didn’t.
Friday – RuPaul’s Drag Race
Saturday – Rick and Morty delivered a delightful April Fools surprise, but the Final Four showcased offensive rebounding like all get out.

This Is a Movie Review: Raw

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Raw is ostensibly about the horrors of discovering that you’re a cannibal … and LOVING it. But for me, the bigger scares come from the endless hazing. “Initiation rites” and their ilk are one of the most disturbing aspects of insular groups, and Raw makes it only more so by setting itself in a veterinary school. Shouldn’t folks training to care for animals have more empathy than most? If this is based on a real institution, then you gotta be freaking kidding me. So, yeah, Raw is effectively horrifying, and not because it is as vomit-inducing as its reputation would suggest. It has multiple gross and gory moments, but you’re liable to lose your lunch only if you haven’t seen many fright flicks.

I give Raw 17 Hairs out of 20 Severed Limbs.

This Is a Movie Review: Cézanne et moi

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This review was originally published on News Cult in March 2017.

Starring: Guillaume Canet, Guillaume Gallienne, Alice Pol, Déborah Farnçois, Sabine Azéma

Director: Danièle Thompson

Running Time: 116 Minutes

Rating: R for Artistic Nudity and Best Friends Yelling at Each Other

Release Date: March 31, 2017 (Limited)

Paul Cézanne caresses his wife/model Hortense’s naked chest to more thoroughly know his subject. This could be played as intense intimacy, or it could be discomforting invasiveness. Instead it is an illustration of how the Post-Impressionist painter is dead inside, lost to his art at the expense of his family. That is not to say he lacks passion. Oh no, he has passion to spare for a million still lives and portraits. It is just too untamed to be anything other than destructive.

Cézanne et moi dramatizes the friendship between Cézanne (Guillaume Gallienne) and novelist Émile Zola (Guillaume Canet), but friendship in this context feels like a bit of a misnomer, considering the amount of screen time they spend verbally tearing into each other. It is de rigueur, in life but especially in cinema, that artists’ lives must be tortured. That can be fascinating, but this is just unpleasant. That is a shame, because Gallienne and Canet are both laser-focused in their performances. The shouting matches themselves are not the problem so much as their endlessness. It is essentially the same fight over and over. It is not emotionally draining, just tiresome.

At least the cinematography is splendid. As befitting a film about an artist, the landscapes are beautiful. The French countryside is lush and inviting, but alas, it does not really illuminate anything about Cézanne or Zola’s psyches. The decoration is there to be admired, while the story trudges on. I root for these friends to work through their issues, but I also wish it would all just happen off screen.

Cézanne et moi is Recommended If You Like: Colorful Landscapes

Grade: 2.5 out of 5 Picnics

Billboard Hot Rock Songs – Week of April 8, 2017

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Each week, I check out the Billboard Hot Rock Songs chart, and then I rearrange the top 25 based on my estimation of their quality. I used to rank all 25, now I just rank the cream of the crop.

Original Version
1. Imagine Dragons – “Believer”
2. twenty one pilots – “Heathens”
3. Linkin Park ft. Kiiara – “Heavy”
4. twenty one pilots – “Ride”
5. Rag’n’Bone Man – “Human”
6. Fitz and the Tantrums – “HandClap”
7. Kaleo – “Way Down We Go”
8. Lil Wayne, Wiz Khalifa, & Imagine Dragons with Logic, Ty Dolla $ign ft. X Ambassadors – “Sucker for Pain”
9. Chuck Berry – “Johnny B. Goode”
10. twenty one pilots – “Heavydirtysoul”
11. Linkin Park – “Battle Symphony”
12. The Revivalists – “Wish I Knew You”
13. Lana Del Rey – “Love”
14. Zach Williams – “Chain Breaker”
15. Green Day – “Still Breathing”
16. NEEDTOBREATHE – “Testify”
17. Weezer – “Feels Like Summer”
18. Portugal. The Man – “Feel It Still”
19. MISSIO – “Middle Fingers”
20. Papa Roach – “Help”
21. Spoon – “Hot Thoughts”
22. Ocean Park Standoff – “Good News”
23. Chuck Berry – “You Never Can Tell”
24. Chuck Berry – “Maybellene”
25. Cold War Kids – “Love is Mystical”

Jmunney’s Revision
1. Johnny B. Goode
2. Human
3. Way Down We Go
4. You Never Can Tell
5. Heavydirtysoul
6. Feel It Still
7. Maybellene
8. Love is Mystical
9. Love
10. Hot Thoughts

Billboard Hot 20 – Week of April 8, 2017

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Each week, I check out the Billboard Hot 100, and then I rearrange the top 20 based on my estimation of their quality. I used to rank all 20, now I just rank the cream of the crop.

Original Version
1. Ed Sheeran – “Shape of You”
2. Bruno Mars – “That’s What I Like”
3. Zayn and Taylor Swift – “I Don’t Wanna Live Forever (Fifty Shades Darker)”
4. Migos ft. Lil Uzi Vert – “Bad and Boujee”
5. The Weeknd ft. Daft Punk – “I Feel It Coming”
6. Kodak Black – “Tunnel Vision”
7. The Chainsmokers and Coldplay – “Something Just Like This”
8. Drake – “Passionfruit”
9. Drake ft. Quavo and Travis Scott – “Portland”
10. The Chainsmokers – “Paris”
11. Rihanna – “Love on the Brain”
12. KYLE ft. Lil Yachty – “iSpy”
13. Clean Bandit ft. Sean Paul and Anne-Marie – “Rockabye”
14. Big Sean – “Bounce Back”
15. Drake – “Fake Love”
16. Sam Hunt – “Body Like a Back Road”
17. The Chainsmokers ft. Halsey – “Closer”
18. Drake – “Free Smoke”
19. Katy Perry ft. Skip Marley – “Chained to the Rhythm”
20. Kygo x Selena Gomez – “It Ain’t Me”

Jmunney’s Revision
1. Chained to the Rhythm
2. Tunnel Vision
3. I Feel It Coming
4. Love on the Brain
5. Rockabye
6. Closer
7. Bad and Boujee

What Won TV? – March 19-March 25, 2017

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In this feature, I look back at each day of the past week and determine what shows “won TV” for the night. That is, I consider every episode of television I watched that aired on a particular day and declare which was the best.

Sunday – Bob’s Burgers
Monday – Jane the Virgin
Tuesday – The Mick
Wednesday – Legion is figuring it out.
Thursday – TIE: Baskets is in the family business; Review throws it all out there.
Friday – RuPaul’s Drag Race
Saturday – The Elite Eight hasn’t been close, but it is March Madness.

This Is a Movie Review: Prevenge

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This review was originally published on News Cult in March 2017.

Starring: Alice Lowe, Gemma Whelan, Kate Dickie, Jo Hartley

Director: Alice Lowe

Running Time: 88 Minutes

Rating: Not Rated, But Note That It Has Plentiful Gleeful Stabbings

Release Date: March 24, 2017 (Limited)/Also Streaming on Shudder

From writer-director-star Alice Lowe, Prevenge follows Ruth (Lowe), a pregnant woman hunting down one-by-one those who have done her wrong. If you are into seeking out uncompromising horror films off the beaten path, then you know what you are in store for. Prevenge is all about forcefully setting the world aright with a feminist edge, in the vein of Teeth’s dark coming-of-age or The Loved Ones’ prom-gone-very-wrong. Lowe’s entry is an especially principled addition to the genre. There are so many ways that pregnancy can drain away independence, and Ruth’s experience very much leans into all of them. Sometimes supposedly following the kill commands of your unborn child is the only thing to hold on to when seeking anything resembling sense.

The other major piece of catnip for horror hounds here is the synth-heavy score, placing Prevenge in the long line of John Carpenter’s descendants. It is not so much the sounds themselves that stand out, but the way they are played: a particular phrase comes on multiple times and stops without warning. It lends a sense of the same terror being repeated over and over in a sort of Möbius strip. Ruth’s whole world is on edge, and there is no indication that will change after she accomplishes her goal or reaches her due date.

Prevenge is Recommended If You LikeThe Loved OnesTeeth, John Carpenter’s Scores

Grade: 3.5 out of 5 Unwelcome Drunken Kisses

This Is a Movie Review: Life (2017)

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This review was originally published on News Cult in March 2017.

Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Ryan Reynolds, Rebecca Ferguson, Hiroyuki Sanada, Ariyon Bakare, Olga Dihovichnaya

Director: Daniel Espinosa

Running Time: 103 Minutes

Rating: R for Beautifully Disturbing Blood Loss

Release Date: March 24, 2017

The paradox of life is that it requires death to be sustained. The paradox of Life is that its successes and failures are both technical, with staging both skillful and sloppy alternately sustaining and choking itself. This combination corresponds thematically with the story, but I do not think it is intentional, and it is frustrating regardless. This is a locked-room creature feature that does not show its hand too early. Once it does, it knows how to drag out the tension, but it also occasionally forgets that knowledge.

The premise here is ideal for instant dread. A six-person crew on board the International Space Station meets a life form that has hitched a ride on a returning Martian probe. Dubbed “Calvin” by a group of stargazing schoolchildren, the creature starts out microscopic but soon starts growing to the point that it is no longer a curiosity and more a threat. I know what you’re thinking: this is Alien, but in space … er, a different part of space. A part of space where your screams can be heard, if only all communication – as is so often the case – had not immediately been destroyed.

There is no escaping the comparisons to Ridley Scott’s extraterrestrial horror landmark, but Life does distinguish itself with plenty of philosophical thought lent to the creature concept. Each cell of Calvin has the capacity to fulfill any bodily function. It eventually grows to resemble a crystalline starfish, but it is very much its own new frontier, with its entire body (if that is even the right word) serving as mouth, hands, legs, and whatever else it can use to survive. Also, when it comes down to the resolution, this is more The Thing than Alien. The ISS is not in deep space, but rather close Earth orbit, so if Calvin is not suppressed, there is a very real chance he could consume the whole planet. Life does not shy away from just how nasty that implication is.

The devilish little monster flick that Life mostly succeeds at being is constantly interrupted by a survival tale that fails because no character has any room to come across as a fully realized human being. That is not necessary in a movie like this, but when there is as much dialogue as Life has, it becomes important. But the editing and cinematography seem wholly uninterested in any of that. Shots are frequently cut mid-sentence, effectively garbling the speech, and the look is so washed out, which is fine for generating unease, but annoying when attempting to make sense of facial expressions. Horror often works best by withholding its villain, but the formula is a little different when the monster is by far the most fascinating character.

Life is Recommended If You LikeAlien (though it’s not as well-crafted), The Thing (though it’s not quite as ominous), Tremors (but without the cheekiness)

Grade: 2.75 out of 5 Doomed Lab Rats

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