A Spoiler-Soaked Investigation Into the Finale of ‘Ready or Not 2: Here I Come’

Leave a comment

Ready as they’ll ever be (CREDIT: Searchlight Pictures/Screenshot)

Starring: Samara Weaving, Kathryn Newton, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Shawn Hatosy, Elijah Wood, Néstor Carbonell, Kevin Durand, Olivia Cheng, Nadeem Umar-Khitab, Varun Suranga, Juan Pablo Romero, Masa Lizdek, Maia Jae, Dan Beirne, Antony Hall, David Cronenberg

Directors: Matt Bettinelli-Olpin and Tyler Gillett

Running Time: 108 Minutes

Rating: R for Lots of Blood and Just as Many F-Bombs

Release Date: March 20, 2026 (Theaters)

I don’t always give away key plot points when I write movie reviews, but when I do, I prefer Dos Equis.* Also, when I do I use spoiler tags and do my best to avoid getting overly specific. But that’s because I typically post my full-length reviews before a movie comes out. But since spring has sprung and all, I’m in the mood to mix things up, so let’s dive into my fully spoiler-riffic review of (the already-released) Ready or Not 2: Here I Come!

(*-I couldn’t resist.)

First off, a quick recap: the first Ready or Not was one of my most raucous cinematic pleasures of 2019, which leads me right into my first spoiler: I didn’t like the sequel quite as much. But now that we’ve made peace with not being able to quite clear that high bar, let’s focus on that explosive ending, which seems designed to prevent any further sequels. (Although in the horror world, you can never say never for sure.) Anway, after her first attempted wedding didn’t exactly work out, Grace (Samara Weaving) tries to save herself with another marriage, this time to the dastardly Titus Danforth (Shawn Hatosy). It appears to be an even more hellish match than the original matrimony, or at least this time the evil is more upfront to begin with.

But Grace’s blood-soaked wedding dress has always been her source of strength and wiliness. Along with that symbolic ensemble, let’s take the name of her sister (Kathryn Newton) very literally and have faith that everything is fated to work out for Grace and Faith. Well, maybe not everything, but enough for them to carry on for at least one more day of self-reliant freedom. Thus, my biggest takeaways from this movie’s ending are:

1.The wedding dress just upped its iconic status to Level Infinity
2. We are truly blessed to witness the Scream Queen Union of Weaving and Newton

Although, of course, it’s worth noting that that second takeaway is hardly a spoiler at all – it could’ve only been a spoiler if it had turned out that the opposite was true. And if I may drift away from the sisters for one last central point: there should surely be more movies that conclude with Elijah Wood dispassionately (but also with barely concealed relish) witnessing a bunch of people spontaneously combusting. (It shouldn’t be overdone, of course, but we could certainly afford a few more.)

Grade: 3 out of 5 Golf Carts

Getting ‘Toxic’ While ‘Conjuring’ Things Up and Then Having Some Thoughts

Leave a comment

Imagine if Toxie met Annabelle, though (CREDIT: Troma Entertainment/Screenshot; Warner Bros./Screenshot)

The Toxic Avenger Unrated

Starring: Peter Dinklage, Jacob Tremblay, Taylour Paige, Kevin Bacon, Elijah Wood, Sarah Niles, Julia Davis

Director: Macon Blair

Running Time: 103 Minutes

Rating: Unrated

Release Date: August 29, 2025 (Theaters)

The Conjuring: Last Rites

Starring: Patrick Wilson, Vera Farmiga, Mia Tomlinson, Ben Hardy, Steve Coulter, Rebecca Calder, Elliot Cowan, Kíla Lord Cassidy, Beau Gadsdon, Molly Cartwright, Tilly Walker, Peter Wright, Kate Fahy

Director: Michael Chaves

Running Time: 135 Minutes

Rating: R

Release Date: September 5, 2025 (Theaters)

I’ve been thinking a lot about legacies lately. Or at least I’ve been thinking a moderate amount about the legacies of the Conjuring and Toxic Avenger franchises, seeing as I recently saw their most recent entries.

More

‘The Monkey’ Leaves a Record Trail of Death and Destruction in Its Wake

1 Comment

Monkey see, monkey do your worst (CREDIT: NEON)

Starring: Theo James, Tatiana Maslany, Christian Convery, Colin O’Brien, Rohan Campbell, Sarah Levy, Oz Perkins, Adam Scott, Elijah Wood

Director: Osgood Perkins

Running Time: 98 Minutes

Rating: R for A Countless Mass of Displaced Limbs and Loose Guts

Release Date: February 21, 2025 (Theaters)

What’s It About?: Twin brothers Hal and Bill Shelburn (both played by Theo James as adults, and by Christian Convery as teenagers) have been haunted by a simple plaything their entire lives. Whenever this toy monkey drummer flashes its chompers and starts banging away, blood and guts are sure to follow. Once you wind it up and let it do its thing, someone nearby will undergo the most disturbingly gruesome death imaginable. Hal and Bill attempt to wield this power against their enemies, but the monkey does not take requests. They also attempt to get rid of it, but it’s clearly indestructible and inescapable. If you survive your encounter with this demonic entity, you might consider yourself lucky, except that the guilt and paranoia it causes will almost certainly lead to alienation.

What Made an Impression?: Remember to Believe in The Monkey, or It’ll Kill You: I’ve gotta be honest with y’all. While watching The Monkey, I couldn’t help but wonder, “Isn’t this just a redo of that Mystery Science Theater 3000 movie, Merlin’s Shop of Mystical Wonders?” And in fact, it is! But it’s a little convoluted. Merlin’s Shop is a 1996 fantasy horror flick featuring a subplot revolving around a toy monkey that causes death whenever it bangs its cymbals together. That subplot actually consists of recycled footage from another movie, released in 198,4 called The Devil’s Gift, which appears to be an unofficial ripoff of a Stephen King short story published in 1980 called … “The Monkey”! And that short story is, as you may have guessed, the source material for the new Osgood Perkins-directed film of the same name. This genuine adaptation is certainly more professionally constructed than The Devil’s Gift, but I have a bit of a soft spot for that earlier effort. This rendition is just so unrelentingly brutal, which to be fair is kind of the point.
I Can’t Laugh, Because I’m Dying Too Hard: The Monkey is presenting itself as a horror comedy, but my most frequent reaction to the bloody mayhem was “Egads!” rather than “Hahaha-egads!” There are certainly a few dark streaks in my funny bone, but Perkin’s primary m.o. appears to be expanding the depths of Grand Guignol entertainment rather than being particularly clever about it. Sure, occasionally there’s a well-timed amputation that you can’t help but chuckle at just to verify that you’re still alive. But the overall effect is more grotesque and existential than howlingly ridiculous. Similarly, there’s one scene when teenage Hal is covered in banana goo, and that might sound like the silliest big screen image of the year, but instead it’s a symbol of children’s profound capability for cruelty that’s so typical of Stephen King stories.
Life is Death: The haunting lesson that The Monkey eventually grapples with is the acceptance that everyone around us is going to die soon enough anyway. Sure, most demises aren’t quite as dramatic as those of Hal and Bill’s acquaintances, but this simian forces us to wonder: does that even matter? If you’ve lived through trauma, and are pretty sure that even more trauma is on the way, do you fully retreat, or instead find whatever happiness you can after being dealt a historically terrible hand? I wish this conundrum had been addressed more directly (though it does flow throughout as a subtextual undercurrent), but ultimately this movie is more about being paralyzed by terror instead of seeking answers from it.

The Monkey is Recommended If You Like: Final Destination, Sibling rivalries, Uncannily realistic doll teeth

Grade: 3 out of 5 Drumsticks