‘The Surfer’ Review: What’ll It Take for Nic Cage to Ride That Wave

April 30, 2025

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Gnarly (CREDIT: Roadside Attractions)

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Julian McMahon, Nic Cassim, Miranda Tapsell, Alexander Bertrand, Justin Rosniak, Rahel Romahn, Finn Little

Director: Lorcan Finnegan

Running Time: 103 Minutes

Rating: R for Toxic Masculinity and References to Suicide

Release Date: May 2, 2025 (Theaters)

What’s It About?: A native of Western Australia (Nicolas Cage) is absolutely dead-set on buying a house for his family in the neighborhood where he grew up, and he’s just as dead-set on taking his son (Finn Little) out surfing on the nearby beach. Trouble is, the locals don’t approve. It’s a public beach, but that’s not exactly the message being delivered by Scally (Julian McMahon) and his crew, who are sure to punch you and steal your board if you try to press your luck. But the Surfer is undeterred, as he stays put in the parking lot for as long as it takes to obtain what he’s owed. But the police and anyone else who could possibly lend a sympathetic ear sure aren’t helpful. So he has only himself to rely on, which isn’t exactly good news, as he gradually loses his sanity and all of his possessions as the blazing sun rips his skin apart. But maybe, just maybe, his stubborn willpower will be enough to eventually turn the tide in his favor.

What Made an Impression?: This Test Has All the Wrong Answers: The explanation for why everyone is so firmly against the Surfer is narratively satisfying, but it is not morally satisfying. It’s an endurance game that makes for a bona fide psychological thriller, but it’ll tear your soul apart if you try to reconcile it with a belief in a reasonable universe. Plan accordingly.
Lost in the Cage: On a scale of Pig to Vampire’s Kiss, this is about a National Treasure on the Cage-o-meter, minus any semblance of mental health. The feature-length breakdown on display is like muscle memory for Nicky C. at this point.
The Boys from Oz: I spent most of The Surfer thinking that Scally was being played by Murray Bartlett, so the revelation that it was actually Julian McMahon was a bit of a relief, since Murray usually portrays much more pleasant fellows, whereas McMahon has a reputation for bringing scallywags to life. Still, I guess there’s something sinisterly delicious about fiftysomething Sydney residents with sharp cheekbones, isn’t there?
It’s Not Worth It: If The Surfer teaches us anything, I hope it’s this: spend time with your family, and be flexible! If buying that fancy mansion means keeping yourself away from the people that are supposed to live in it with you, then you can live somewhere else. And if hanging ten on your favorite waves means getting pummeled to a crisp along the way, I promise there are better spots to do it!

The Surfer is Recommended If You Like: The idea of The Game crossed with (Insert Your Favorite Surfing Movie Here)

Grade: 3 out of 5 Locals

‘Longlegs’ Finds the Devil Inside

July 11, 2024

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TFW you see Longlegs (CREDIT: NEON)

Starring: Maika Monroe, Nicolas Cage, Blair Underwood, Alicia Witt, Lauren Acala, Michelle Choi-Lee, Dakota Daulby, Kiernan Shipka, Maila Hosie, Jason Day, Lisa Chandler, Ava Kelders, Rryla McIntosh, Carmel Amit, Peter James Bryant

Director: Osgood Perkins

Running Time: 101 Minutes

Rating: R for Psychologically Disturbing Violence and Gore

Release Date: July 12, 2024 (Theaters)

What’s It About?: There’s a serial killer out there confounding the FBI in the mid-90s. Known as “Longlegs” (Nicolas Cage), he appears to be responsible for a series of gruesome massacres in the last 20 years without ever actually being physically present for any of them. But the pattern is undeniable, as fathers are brainwashed into brutally killing themselves and their families within six days of their daughters’ birthdays. Also, creepy lifelike dolls keep appearing at the crime scenes. But a breakthrough emerges via the efforts of young agent Lee Harker (Maika Monroe), who is really, really intuitive, or maybe even a little bit psychic. Her investigation is occasionally interrupted by cryptic phone calls from her mother Ruth (Alicia Witt). It looks like Longlegs is going to strike again very soon, and the key to stopping him may just be Lee understanding the deep connection that she has with this boogeyman.

What Made an Impression?: Caught in a Haze: The reality of Longlegs exists somewhere between the earthbound and the mystical. Occasionally there appear to be rational explanations for all the deviant behavior on display, but a more compelling explanation is that the devil is behind it all. Accordingly, Monroe, Cage, and Witt all offer performances that are different versions of possessed. Blair Underwood (as Lee’s FBI mentor) offers a more straitlaced grounding presence, but even he can’t resist the lure of the surreal eventually. Little details (a dark object here, a puff of smoke there) pop up that promise to be the skeleton key to revealing the truth, only to be flummoxed by profound uncertainty. The crimes are solved, and yet an infinite number of questions remain.
Pack Up That Gong: It’s possible that Longlegs could be read as a metaphor for repressed trauma, and I’m sure there’s something to that reading. But this is a movie that resists any straightforward interpretation, despite the easy-to-follow plot and clear resolution. However, what I can say without any doubt is that you will never listen to T. Rex’s glam rock classic “Bang a Gong (Get It On)” the same way ever again. In fact, I suspect that Longlegs may have somehow henceforth assumed ownership of that entire genre. If you’re planning on seeing this movie even though you love that song – or others like it – then consider this your first and only warning.

Longlegs is Recommended If You Like: The Silence of the Lambs, Prisoners, Using presidential portraits to establish the time period

Grade: 4 out of 5 Dolls

How Dreamworthy is ‘Dream Scenario’?

November 16, 2023

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What a dreamboat! (CREDIT: Jan Thijs/A24)

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Julianne Nicholson, Michael Cera, Tim Meadows, Dylan Gelula, Dylan Baker, Kate Berlant, Lily Bird, Jessica Clement, David Klein, Cara Volchoff, Noah Centineo, Nicholas Braun, Amber Midthunder, Lily Gao

Director: Kristoffer Borgli

Running Time: 100 Minutes

Rating: R for Dream Slaughter and Awkward Encounters

Release Date: November 10, 2023 (Limited Theaters)

What’s It About?: Biology professor Paul Matthews (Nicolas Cage) would just like to publish a book about ants one day. But the universe has different plans. A bizarre phenomenon takes hold as hundreds of people start having dreams about him: his daughter, old friends, students of his, and even people he’s never met before. And they all report pretty much the same thing: he doesn’t do much except linger in the background. His story becomes a bit of a media sensation, so he tries to parlay his newfound virality into a publishing opportunity, but his new handlers just aren’t on the same page. Meanwhile, those reveries start turning into nightmares, as Dream Paul becomes sadistically violent and the fallout spills over into his waking life.

What Made an Impression?: For my review of Dream Scenario, I’m going to do things a little differently than I normally do, as the subconscious is a favorite subject of mine. I’ve been keeping a dream journal since I was in high school, and I also keep a running tally of the number of times that people appear in my dreams each year. So my question for Dream Scenario is: is it dream-worthy? Which is to say, do I suspect that it will return to me in my sleep in the years to come? And do I want it to?

To answer all this, I first looked up how often I’ve dreamed of Nicolas Cage. He is one of my favorite actors, after all, and he’s also eminently memeable, so surely he’s an apt fit for the more surreal corners of the brain. But according to my records, he’s only shown up in three of my dreams in the past ten years. Of course, I don’t see Nic Cage while I’m awake as often as I do my immediate family, who show up in my dreams a lot more often.

In general, my dreams are typically related to lingering concerns in my waking life. And a movie certainly could become a lingering concern, if it’s especially unsettling or ambiguous, or if it otherwise just makes some sort of indelible impression. And while Dream Scenario has some fascinating ideas swirling around, it doesn’t strike me as hard-hitting enough that I won’t be able to shake it. (Unless this review becomes an accidental self-fulfilling prophecy. Or anti-prophecy, considering my doubts.)

This is all to say, my concerns about Paul’s story felt mostly wrapped up as the credits rolled. His insecurity made him ill-prepared to handle his sudden fame, but by the end, he seems to have realized who he is. Or at least learned enough about himself that it doesn’t feel like we need to worry. I won’t mind if little nuggets of Dream Scenario ever do return to me in my subconscious, but I also won’t be waiting breathlessly in the meantime.

Dream Scenario is Recommended If You Like: Watching people be misunderstood and then make a fool of themselves

Grade: 3 out of 5 PR Firms

Weekend Catchup: ‘Chevalier’ and ‘Renfield’

April 24, 2023

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Chevali-Hey! (CREDIT: Larry Horricks/Searchlight Pictures)

Chevalier:

Starring: Kelvin Harrison Jr., Samara Weaving, Lucy Boynton, Marton Csokas, Alex Fitzalan, Minnie Driver

Director: Stephen Williams

Running Time: 107 Minutes

Rating: PG-13

Release Date: April 21, 2023 (Theaters)

Renfield:

Starring: Nicholas Hoult, Nicolas Cage, Awkwafina, Ben Schwartz, Shohreh Aghdashloo, Brandon Scott Jones, Adrian Martinez, Camille Chen

Director: Chris McKay

Running Time: 93 Minutes

Rating: R

Release Date: April 14, 2023 (Theaters)

I’ve been noticing something lately: there are a lot of new movies at the multiplex! We might even be back to a pre-pandemic output volume. How else to explain me spending the same weekend catching the likes of both Chevalier and Renfield?

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‘The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent’ is Kinda Heavy, Man

April 21, 2022

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The Unbearable Weight Of Massive Talent (CREDIT: Karen Ballard/Lionsgate)

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Pedro Pascal, Tiffany Haddish, Sharon Horgan, Ike Barinholtz, Alessandra Mastronardi, Lily Sheen, Jacob Scipio, Neil Patrick Harris

Director: Tom Gormican

Running Time: 107 Minutes

Rating: R for Mainly Salty Language and a Few Shootouts

Release Date: April 22, 2022 (Theaters)

How self-aware is too self-aware? That’s a question inherent to the life of any movie star, but it’s especially salient in the case of Nicolas Cage. He’s equally beloved, mocked, or lovingly mocked for his over-the-top performances in the likes of Ghost Rider, Face/Off, The Wicker Man, and countless others. Word eventually got around to him that he was more meme than man in some corners, but instead of winking at repudiating this reputation, he’s mostly continued to follow his own particular muse in the form of his self-professed “Nouveau Shamanic” acting style. But now he’s forced to confront his career as thoroughly as possible as he plays a lightly fictionalized version of himself in The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent. I’m one of the biggest Nic Cage fans in the world, so my feeling coming into this flick was that it would either be my new favorite movie ever, or it would be a little too on the nose. The truth is somewhere in the middle, as Cage is of course up for whatever, but there are some Uncanny Valley-esque vibes.

The setup is basically National Treasure meets Bowfinger: in the midst of an existential crisis that has him contemplating retirement, Cage is surreptitiously hired by the CIA to aid in some geopolitical subterfuge. It all goes down in the sun-dappled vistas of Mallorca, where he’s fulfilling a million-dollar gig to attend the birthday party of Javi (Pedro Pascal), a budding screenwriter who’s also the suspected head of a cartel and supposed mastermind behind a recent kidnapping. But mostly, he’s an audience surrogate, with the obsessive collection of Nic Cage memorabilia to prove it. If you’re thinking that somebody who loves Nicolas Cage this much couldn’t possibly be that bad, then you should know that one of this movie’s core messages is to trust your instincts.

And what do my instincts tell me as I’m writing this review? Mostly, they say that I was kind of weirded out by how similar this Nic Cage is to the real thing without being exactly the same. Offscreen, he has a few ex-wives and two sons, while the Massively Talent-ed version has at least one ex (Sharon Horgan) that’s still a part of his daily life and a daughter named Addy (Lily Sheen). I don’t know what his relationships with his sons are like, but I hope that he’s not forcing them to watch The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari to the point that they need to hash it out in therapy. This is all to say, Unbearable Weight gets the broad-stroke details of Cage’s unique story correct, but it renders his mystique a bit too quotidian. It’s respectful, but not transcendent. It pulls off the requisite action-adventure thrills just fine, but if you really want to know what makes this man tick, just check out any of his interviews.

The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent is Recommended If You Like: Nonstop introspection, Geeking out about German expressionism and Paddington, Emotional straight male bonding

Grade: 3 out of 5 Nouveau Shamans

Review (of ‘Pig’)

July 16, 2021

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Pig

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Alex Wolff, Adam Arkin

Director: Michael Sarnoski

Running Time: 92 Minutes

Rating: R

Release Date: July 16, 2021 (Theaters)

Alex Wolff is Salt Bae. That could be the entirety of my Pig review!

Oh, but Nic Cage is in this, too, so I think I might like to talk about that as well. (Erbviously.)

But back to Mr. Alex Wolff for a second. He wears these fantastic skinny round sunglasses that sure look like Salt Bae’s. And he’s already got the dark tuft of hair and olive skin to complete the Chef Nusret Gökçe resemblance. Not for nothing does much of this movie take place in the fancy-schmancy restaurant world.

Anyway, Cage plays a truffle hunter who really wants his pig back, as you can surely tell by the profoundly simple title. Considering the actor and the premise, you might think he spends the whole movie shouting at everyone all over everywhere, but instead he prefers much subtler tactics. He has an uncanny knack for peering into the souls of anyone he comes across. He knows how to conjure emotional memories that bring the universe back into equilibrium. He’s like a wizard that way, and it’s kind of breathtaking to witness.

Grade: 3 Tablespoons of Facial Scars, 5 Cups of Psychology

Entertainment To-Do List: Week of 1/1/21

January 1, 2021

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The Chase; Celebrity Wheel of Fortune; The Hustler (CREDIT: Ron Batzdorff/ABC; Carol Kaelson/ABC; Christopher Willard/ABC)

Every week, I list all the upcoming (or recently released) movies, TV shows, albums, podcasts, etc. that I believe are worth checking out.

Movies
–Pieces of a Woman (January 7 on Netflix)

TV
–Doctor Who: Revolution of the Daleks (January 1 on BBC America)
–Earth to Ned Season 1 Part 2 (January 1 on Disney+) – A delightful talk show hosted by an alien. I wrote about it on my newsletter.
–RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 13 Premiere (January 1 on VH1)
–Call Me Kat Series Premiere (January 3 on FOX) – Starring Mayim Bialik and cats.
–The Great North Series Premiere (January 3 on FOX) – New animated show with the voices of Nick Offerman, Megan Mullally, Jenny Slate, Will Forte, and others.
-Alex Trebek’s last week of new Jeopardy! episodes (January 4-8, check local listings)
–The Hustler Series Premiere (January 4 on ABC) – Another game show on ABC! This one’s hosted by Craig Ferguson.
–History of Swear Words (January 5 on Netflix) – Hosted by Nicolas Cage himself.
–Zoey’s Extraordinary Playlist Season 2 Premiere (January 5 on NBC)
–Name That Tune Reboot Premiere (January 6 on FOX) – Hosted by the one and only Jane Krakowski.
–Celebrity Wheel of Fortune Series Premiere (January 7 on ABC)
–The Chase Reboot Premiere (January 7 on ABC) – Jeopardy! all-time greats Ken Jennings, Brad Rutter, and James Holzhauer square off against contestants. Sara Haines hosts.
–Mr. Mayor Series Premiere (January 7 on NBC) – Ted Danson gets right back in the sitcom swing.

‘Color Out of Space’ is Here to Blow Your Mind Just as You Asked

January 25, 2020

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CREDIT: RLJE Films

Color Out of Space is basically the inverse of Cats. While the nonsense with the Jellicles was disturbing in just the ways one would expect, this blast of no-holds-barred horror sci-fi is satisfying in the ways that you would expect a movie based on an H.P. Lovecraft short story starring Nicolas Cage and directed by Richard Stanley after a long stint in director jail to be. In many ways, it’s like Annihilation but if instead of starring a quintet of women, it starred Cage with his typical five-times-bigger-than-the-average-person personality. After a couple hours’ journey through an unremitting vision, it concludes on a note (for the survivors) of “Well, that was weird. At least now we can move on with our lives.” And you can, too!

I give Color Out of Space A Million Colors Into My Face.

This Is a Movie Review: ‘Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse’ Weaves 50-Plus Years of Superhero History Into One Neat Little Package

November 28, 2018

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CREDIT: Sony Pictures Entertainment

This review was originally published on News Cult in November 2018.

Starring: Shameik Moore, Jake Johnson, Hailee Steinfeld, Mahershala Ali, Liev Schreiber, Bryan Tyree Henry, Luna Lauren Velez, Lily Tomlin, Nicolas Cage, Kimiko Glenn, John Mulaney, Kathryn Hahn, Chris Pine, Zoë Kravitz

Directors: Bob Persichetti, Peter Ramsey, and Rodney Rothman

Running Time: 117 Minutes

Rating: PG for Superhero Bumps and Bruises and Dimension-Altering Explosions

Release Date: December 14, 2018

Even if you prefer Tom Holland or Andrew Garfield’s versions of Peter Parker, it is fundamentally outrageous that the cinematic Spider-Man has been rebooted multiple times so soon after the massively successful Tobey Maguire chapters. Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse avoids this pitfall by forgoing the same old Peter Parker origin story, or even the same old Peter Parker himself. Instead, the focus this time is on Miles Morales (Shameik Moore), a Puerto Rican and African-American teenager who inherits the Spider-Man mantle after he too is bitten by a radioactive arachnid. Additionally, while Miles is the primary protagonist, room is also made for just about every parallel universe version of Spider-Man that has ever existed in the comics (including noir, manga, and porcine iterations). I would love it if the live-action Marvel action movies were similarly diverse, but there is more space to be bold within animation (at least according to how the blockbuster industry currently operates).

A running gag throughout Spider-Verse is each version of Spider-Man giving us the rundown on his (or her) origin story. The film assumes that the audience is significantly familiar with the web-crawler’s mythos, and thus we get shout-outs to iconic moments from both the panel and the screen, like the murdered uncle and the upside-down kiss in the rain. These moments could play as cheap nostalgia, but instead they are far from it because there is so much visual information to digest. The effect is more one of self-awareness and reinterpretation.

Spider-Verse follows in a line of recent animated franchise films like The Lego Movie and Teen Titans Go! To the Movies that benefit from their deep wealth of knowledge about their own histories. They all comment on their own pasts, avoiding snark in the name of favoring celebration while also managing to craft new adventures that stand on their own. Spider-Verse takes its unique place as one of the most visually vibrant entries in the history of CG-animated cinema, with a cornucopia of expressive and energetic styles. Add to that a sterling voice cast, and this is one of the witties (vocally and visually), and just plain most satisfying, experiences you’ll have in all of 2018.

Spider-Man: Into the Spider-Verse is Recommended If You Like: Every Spider-Man Comic Ever, Teen Titans Go! To the Movies, The Lego Movie

Grade: 4 out of 5 Alternate Dimensions

 

This Is a Movie Review: Mandy

September 16, 2018

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© SpectreVision – Umedia – Legion M – XYZ Films

A couple lives an idyllic life together somewhere way out in the woods. Mandy (Andrea Riseborough) wears her trusty Mӧtley Crüe T-shirt and reads fantasy novels, while Red (Nicolas Cage) dotes on her and dreams crazy dreams. But then a band of weirdos arrives and starts spouting some mystical, hallucinogenic, prog rock-inspired gobbledydook. I guess they’re a cult, but it feels more accurate to describe them as a bastard manifestation of the most destructive forces of nature. So when they put Mandy down for good, Red is wired for one thing and one thing only: unhinged, hardcore vengeance. That means essentially a 45-minute, unbroken Nicolas Cage freakout. Panos Cosmatos’ trippy, delirious style, in which he tints nearly every frame in a blood-red envelope, is a perfect fit for Cage at his most extreme. It’s practically a deconstruction of becoming un-Caged, with the silliest moments (the sword-style chainsaw fight, Cage just giving multiple takes of bulging his eyes out) making their points the clearest.

I give Mandy 3000 Screams of Agony out of 5000 Violations.