It’s time to reboot the Super Bowl commercials. What was the deal with Bud Light’s corn syrup obsession. It wasn’t annoying, nor was it anti-brilliant (I don’t think), it was just puzzling. Here’s my top 5:
5. Dietz and Watson, “Craig Robinson Likes Dietz Nuts” – Craig Robinson saying “Dietz nuts”: I can’t help but laugh.
EAST
Creme De La Creme, Vanderbilt University
Cosgrove Shumway, Clemson
Ha Ha Clinton-Dix, University of Alabama
Doink Ahanahue, Marshall
Legume Duprix, West Virginia University
Leger Douzable, University of Central Florida
Quisperny G’Dunzoid Sr., Central Connecticut State University
Grunky Peep, Georgia Southern University
D’Brickashaw Ferguson, University of Virginia
Strunk Flugget, University of South Carolina
Stumptavian Roboclick, Grambling State
Cornelius ‘Tank’ Carradine, Florida State University
Vagonius Thicket-Suede, Duke
Marmadune Shazbot, Tulane University
Swordless Mimetown, Jacksonville State University
WEST
Prince Amukamara, University of Nebraska
J.R. Junior Juniors Jr., Texas Christian University
Faux Doadles, University of Oregon
Fozzy Whittaker, The University of Texas
Myriad Profiteroles, Utah
Busters Brownce, Illinois State
Turdine Cupcake, Yuniaty (?)
Rerutweeds Myth, University of Washington (“Washingtwon”)
Ishmaa’ily Kitchen, Kent State University
Takittothu’ Limit, College of the Canyons
Snarf Mintz-Plasse, East Los Angeles College
Frostee Rucker, University of Southern California
Splendiferous Finch, Northwestern University
Triple Parakeet-Shoes, Ball State
Logjammer D’Baggagecling, North Texas University
A.A. Ron Rodgers, Cal
On last night’s @midnight, Chris Hardwick claimed that he was tricked into watching football to see the Star Wars trailer and then compared it to a Hungry Man commercial airing during Project Runway. I must take exception to this, because while there are plenty of general differences between the football and Star Wars fandoms, they are both so popular that they have plenty of crossover. It is more like a commercial for a Christmas special airing during a Halloween special. Those are probably the 2 most popular American holidays (maybe Thanksgiving is second or first, but Christmas and Halloween are definitely both top 3), but they are definitely significantly different. One’s more of a friends holiday, the other a family holiday. Some Halloween lovers probably hate Christmas, and vice versa. But there are folks who love ’em both.
For me, football and Star Wars were two of my earliest fandoms. I’ve grown a little disillusioned with both, though, thanks to concussions and rah-rah tribalism in the case of the former and Jar-Jar Binks in the case of the latter. But when I see something like the stupidest ever trick play from the Colts, I gotta keep watching. And when I behold BB-8 rolling along, I’m like, “I guess you better get me a ticket.”
I am just about 100% positive that halftime commercials did not use to be included in the USA Today Ad Meter. Now, it appears they are included (at least for the most part). Well, regardless, I did consider the halftime commercials. I pretty much had to this year.
EDIT: I’m sorry, I meant to put the ironic, yet sincere “Make Love, Not War” by Axe at Number 1. Please place everything else down one slot.
Let’s see if they can put last year’s spectacle to shame:
EAST
Coznesster Smiff, Rutgers University
Elipses Corter, University of Alabama
Nyquillus Dillwad, LSU
Bismo Funyuns, Florida State University
DeCatholac Mango, Georgia Tech University
Mergatroid Skittle, University of Louisville
Quiznatodd Bidness, University of Tennessee
D’Pez Poopsie, Ole Miss
Quackadilly Blip, Auburn University
Goolius Boozler, The U
Bisquiteen Trisket, University of Michigan
Fartrell Cluggins, University of Arkansas
Blyrone Blashinton, Syracuse
Cartoons Plural, Virginia Tech
Jammie Jammie-Jammie, The Ohio State University
Fudge
WEST
Equine Ducklings, Indiana University Purdue University Indianapolis
DaHistorious LaMystorius, Utah State University
Ewokoniad Sigourneth Juniorstein, Oklahoma State University
Eqqsquizitine Buble-Schwinslow, University of Nebraska
Huka’Lakanaka Hakanakaheekalucka’Hukahakafaka, University of Hawaii
King Prince Chambermaid, Baylor University
LaDennifer JaDaniston, University of Colorado
Ladadadaladadadadada Dala-Dadaladaladalada, University of Arizona
Harvard University, Devry University
— — .-. … . / -.-. — -.. ., Army Navy Surplus Store
Wing Dings*, Online Classes
Firstname Lastname, College University
God, Homeschool
Squeeeeeeeeeeps, Santa Monica College
Benedict Cumberbatch, Oxford University
A.A. Ron Balakay, Morehouse College
*-If anyone knows how to use Wingdings on WordPress, let me know!
My initial feeling was that 2013 was the worst year for Super Bowl commercials I could remember. After reviewing the crop, I realized that there were several at-least-half-decent entrants. One big reason I thought it was a bad year at first was because I was at a loud party, and I could hardly hear any of the first half commercials. Interestingly enough, though, I was mostly able to enjoy my choices for the best over the din of the party without needing a re-watch to confirm their worthiness. While this year actually ultimately did have plenty of good ones, it may have had more bad ones than any other year. But I won’t go into detail on that, because I don’t like doing worst-of lists.
I was worried that this list was going to be made up of just some pretty good selections, but then came the last commercial of the game, which was something else…
1. Samsung – “The Next Big Thing”
With Seth Rogen and Paul Rudd, this just seemed like an Apatovian scene, which would have worked well enough for me, but I understand that bothers some people. But then Bob Odenkirk strolled in, and it’s like, “Oh, it’s something more.” Odenkirk always kills it as an executive, and he leavens the meta nature of the bit, which could be annoying, but managed to be dutifully satirical. Also, my brother has a friend from college named “Sam Song.”
2. Tide – “Miracle Stain”
What a triumph of minimalist, well-structured storytelling. What a terrible wife, and what a great punchline.
3. Best Buy – “Asking Amy”
“Are we in the cloud now?!”
Rather small-scale for a Super Bowl commercial, but when considered just as any commercial, Super Bowl or not, well, then, obviously, it’s great. Typically, commercials are seen many times over, so it’s ideal if it has maximum replay value. Amy Poehler asking wittily goofy questions to a sales rep? Most def maximum replay value.
4. Go Daddy – “Perfect Match”
It got people talking. That’s what an effective commercial does.
5. Kia – “Space Babies”
Above all else, worth it for the shot of the astronaut babies of various species walking out on the platform.
As I said, I don’t like worst-of lists, so instead of picking the worst commercial, I’ll pick the Most Eh? Commercial. And that would be the Coke chase. What was that? Come on.
In case you were wondering, here are the lineups for the 2012 Annual East/West Collegiate Bowl:
EAST
D’Marcus Williums, University of Georgia
T.J. Juckson, Wayne State University
T’Variuness King, Merrimack College
Tyroil Smoochie-Wallace, University of Miami
D’Squarius Green, Jr., University of Notre Dame
Ibrahim Moizoos, University of Tennessee at Chatanooga
Jackmerius Tacktheratrix, Michigan State University
D’Isiah T. Billings-Clyde, Coastal Carolina University
D’Jasper Probincrux III, South Carolina State University
Leoz Maxwell Jilliumz, East Carolina University
Javaris Jamar Javarison-Lamar, University of Middle Tennessee
Davoin Shower-Handel, University of Southern Mississippi
Hingle McCringleberry, Penn State University
L’Carpetron Dookmarriot, Florida Atlantic University
J’Dinkalage Morgoone, University of South Florida
Xmus Jaxon Flaxon-Waxon, California University of Pennsylvania
WEST
Saggitariutt Jefferspin, Texas A&M
D’Glester Hardunkichud, University of Wisconsin
Swirvithan L’Goodling-Splatt, Saskatchewan University
Quatro Quatro, San Jose State University
Ozamataz Buckshank, Stanford University
Beezer Twelve Washingbeard, Jones College
Shakiraquan T.G.I.F. Carter, University of Northern Arizona
X-Wing @Aliciousness, Missouri Western State University
Sequester Grundelplith M.D., Adams State
Scoish Velociraptor Maloish, South Dakota State University
T.J. A.J. R.J. Backslashinfourth V, Albion College
EEEEE EEEEEEEEE, San Diego State University
Donkey Teeth, Boise State University
Torque [Construction Noise] Lewith, Nevada State Penitentiary
[The Player Formerly Known As Mousecop], University of Missouri-Columbia
Dan Smith, BYU