Mythological Animals Are on Loving Display in the Vibrantly Animated ‘Cryptozoo’

August 18, 2021

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Cryptozoo (CREDIT: Magnolia Pictures)

Starring: Lake Bell, Zoe Kazan, Michael Cera, Louisa Krause, Peter Stormare, Thomas Jay Ryan, Grace Zabriskie, Angeliki Papoulia

Director: Dash Shaw

Running Time: 95 Minutes

Rating: Unrated (It would probably be R for Animated Blood and Nudity)

Release Date: August 20, 2021 (Theaters and On Demand)

It’s been a while since I’ve seen something as hypnotic as Cryptozoo. With its psychedelic animation and entrancing music, it sucks you right into its world of fantastical creatures and then keeps your attention fully in its grasp. “Cryptozoo” is a title that caught my fancy; perhaps it has now caught yours as well! Not that many movie titles have z’s in them. Maybe you look at “cryptozoo” and know exactly what it means right way, or maybe you’re a little confused, but intrigued. Or maybe it sounds too weird to you and you’ve already checked out. If I’ve still got your attention, here’s the deal: this is a world in which “cryptids” (i.e., mythological animals) live alongside humans and other non-cryptid animals. There are unicorns, gorgons, and even people with their faces on their torsos. As so often goes in these types of stories, their existence is continually threatened by the non-cryptid population that isn’t terribly keen on integration.

And so the story focuses on Lauren Grey (Lake Bell, in a role it feels like she was born to play), who is devoted to finding a safe place for cryptids in society. So she opens up a cryptozoo. (That title does not lie.) But is a zoo the best place for these creatures? Is it instead more of a “Cryptid Prison”? These are the conversations that Lauren has with other characters to make the thematic underpinnings unavoidably clear. Most cryptids just want to live their lives and get by without anybody bothering them. That’s Lauren’s goal as well, but she’s perhaps a little too trusting of the cryptozoo’s ability to achieve that mission. That can happen sometimes with idealists: distrust the current authority, place a little too much faith in the new institution. Eventually a series of scuffles break out, and the second half of this movie makes it abundantly clear that this realm is still quite a ways away from peace.

Cryptozoo is at its strongest when it allows us to just bask in the wonders of its deeply imaginative world. If the entire movie were just characters walking and talking and debating while various cryptids frolicked in the background, then I would be a happy customer. That is the vibe we get for the first half hour or so. It all kicks off with a prologue in which a horny couple has an unfortunate encounter with a unicorn, which isn’t literally the walking and talking that I’ve just described, but it does offer the same world-building energy. Then right after the prologue we do get plenty of those conversation sequences. But on the other hand, the battle scenes, while just as detailed in their animation, don’t quite have the same soul-enriching oomph. But on the whole, this is visionary animated cinema that is well worth checking out.

Cryptozoo is Recommended If You Like: Cool World, Heavy Metal, X-Men

Grade: 3.5 out of 5 Cryptids

Baby, Baby, Baby, ‘Annette’ is Absolutely Unforgettable

August 16, 2021

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Annette (CREDIT: Amazon Studios)

Starring: Adam Driver, Marion Cotillard, Simon Helberg, Devyn McDowell

Director: Leos Carax

Running Time: 139 Minutes

Rating: R for Language and Very Intimate Bedroom Scenes

Release Date: August 6, 2021 (Theaters)/August 20, 2021 (Amazon Prime Video)

Sometimes I come up with an idea about how I’d like to write my movie reviews, and then in the interest of frankness and openness, I decide to share that thought process with my readers. So while watching the Leos Carax-directed musical Annette, I decided that I wanted my review to feel like a conversation I’m having with my fellow movie lovers. It just felt right given the movie’s energy.

So now that I have your attention and we’re having a conversation: you know Ron and Russell Mael, the brotherly duo behind the influential long-running rock band Sparks? There’s a good chance you’ve heard about them recently, considering that there was a whole documentary about them that came out a couple months ago. Perhaps you even read my review of it. Well now they’ve gone ahead and written the screenplay for an entire musical movie, including all the original songs. Their co-screenwriter (also the director) is a French fellow who’s probably best known to American audiences for Holy Motors, a kooky flick about some guy getting up to all sorts of shenanigans in Paris. This is a teamup that has resulted in plenty of sparks.

Annette is a love story! The central couple are a stand-up comedian named Henry played by American actor Adam Driver and an opera singer named Ann played by French actress Marion Cotillard. Annette is their daughter. (I’ll have more to say about her later.) If you want to know what type of comedian Henry is, I would say that he’s an observational comic in the Seinfeldian mode but with a Zach Galifianakis-style deconstructionist sensibility, with some Marc Maron-esque misanthropy for good measure, along with the hostility of Andy Kaufman at his most dangerous. It’s also worth noting that his pre-show routine includes chain smoking and eating a banana and that he performs in little more than a green bathrobe. As for what type of opera singer Ann is, I’m not sure what to say, because I don’t know the intricacies of opera as much as I know stand-up!

So back to that daughter, who arrives about a third of the way through (after some very passionate lovemaking). She gets a lot of screentime, but you don’t need to worry about child labor laws, because for the most part she’s played by a wooden puppet (until Devyn McDowell takes over at the very end). Now, you may be thinking, “A pu-, a puppet?” There’s no way to be fully prepared for that reveal! At the beginning of the film, it feels like we’re in for a totally rockin’ good time, with an absolute banger of an opening number setting the pace. And for the most part, that is indeed what we get. But as it goes along, Annette only gets stranger and more challenging and generally harder to embrace. We learn some unsavory details about Henry’s past, we start to see him become more combative on stage and in his personal life, and then he and Ann get on a boat and head out to sea, both literally and metaphorically. And I should also mention that most of the second half of the movie is dedicated to Annette’s super successful pop music career, during which time we are continually reminded that she is a baby and that she is played by a puppet. So if you’re not sure you can handle that, I’m sure you’ll appreciate being informed ahead of time.

I’m not sure I’m into every wacky development in Annette, but I have to applaud its unwavering ambition. Although “ambition” perhaps isn’t the right word here. Something like “singularity” or “uncompromisingness” might be a better descriptor. We all have different palates; some of you will have the right cinematic taste buds to handle all this, while others, not so much. I was guaranteed to have a good time thanks to that Sparks soundtrack, even if not everything else hit the spot quite right. But overall, my palate is now richer and my life is now fuller.

Annette is Recommended If You Like: Rock operas, the dancing baby from Ally McBeal, the prop baby from American Sniper

Grade: 4 out of 5 Showbizz News

I Saw ‘Free Guy’ and Then ‘Don’t Breathe 2’ Immediately Afterwards: Here’s What Happened

August 15, 2021

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CREDIT: Sony Pictures; 20th Century Studios/Screenshots

Free Guy:

Starring: Ryan Reynolds, Jodie Comer, Joe Keery, Utkarsh Ambudkar, Lil Rel Howery, Taika Waititi, Channing Tatum

Director: Shawn Levy

Running Time: 115 Minutes

Rating: PG-13

Release Date: August 13, 2021 (Theaters)

Don’t Breathe 2:

Starring: Stephen Lang, Madelyn Grace, Brendan Sexton III

Director: Rodo Sayagues

Running Time: 98 Minutes

Rating: R

Release Date: August 13, 2021 (Theaters)

In Free Guy, good vibes beget more good vibes. When Guy the NPC gains self-awareness, he focuses on self-improvement, and that leads to all the other NPCs in Free City becoming better versions of themselves, and even some of the real people playing the game start to adopt a more positive view of the world. As it turns out, that tendency was in Guy’s programming all along. He’s got a fantastically complicated algorithm that allows for so many wondrous possibilities. It’s infectious, even for a Ryan Reynolds skeptic like me.

Contrast that with Don’t Breathe 2, in which hate begets more hate. The first Don’t Breathe effectively toyed with our sympathies regarding Stephen Lang’s blind Norman; the sequel tries to do the same, but his negative characteristics are a bit too overwhelming to fully root for him. (Also, his blindness isn’t utilized to the same thrilling effect.) Furthermore, the people who target him this time around have a sympathetic reason for doing so, but basically every action they take in the name of their mission is pretty despicable. At least the young girl isn’t similarly hate-filled – there’s no Bad Seed vibes here. But otherwise, the blood and the pain just pile up and pile up.

GRADES:
Free Guy: 4 out of 5 Skins
Don’t Breathe 2: 2 out of 5 Light Switches

How Much and in What Ways Does ‘Respect’ Respect Aretha Franklin? Let’s Find Out!

August 8, 2021

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Respect (CREDIT: Quantrell D. Colbert/Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Pictures)

Starring: Jennifer Hudson, Forest Whitaker, Marlon Wayans, Marc Maron, Audra McDonald, Tituss Burgess, Saycon Sengbloh, Hailey Kilgore, Tate Donovan, Mary J. Blige, Gilbert Glenn Brown, Skye Dakota Turner

Director: Liesl Tommy

Running Time: 145 Minutes

Rating: PG-13 for Abusive Relationships and Racial Tension

Release Date: August 13, 2021 (Theaters)

Aretha Franklin biopic Respect keeps harping on the idea that the Queen of Soul didn’t start having hits until she focused on her own original efforts, and I kind of wish the movie had taken its own advice. Now, it obviously couldn’t be a completely thorough original. It is a biopic, after all. But Jennifer Hudson is talented enough to make me think that this movie isn’t really going to sing until she’s allowed to break free and offer her own unique interpretation. The most rousing moment of the whole film comes during the end credits when we get to see the real Aretha bring the house down at the 2015 Kennedy Center Honors with a rendition of “(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman.” (President Obama was having a GREAT time.) To be fair, Hudson and the makers of Respect are more interested in exploring the behind-the-scenes of Franklin’s story, but it is telling that they never quite achieve something as triumphant as the real deal.

The challenge of so many music biopics is combining idiosyncrasy with reverence. Those two impulses don’t really mix, and oftentimes biopic makers are much more interested in the latter than the former anyway. The title of Respect indicates that that’s very much the case here. That’s especially clear in one scene when Aretha attempts to perform a song by family friend Dinah Washington (an intensely regal Mary J. Blige) while Dinah is in attendance. It absolutely does not go so well, thanks to Dinah’s insistence that you don’t play the Queen in front of the Queen. That deference marks the entire movie. Within that boundary, Hudson is able to successfully explore Franklin’s trauma and resilience, but she doesn’t have room to leave her own inimitable signature.

I found the portrayals of the main men in Aretha’s life much more compelling, perhaps because their public personas are much less set in stone and thus the actors don’t have to feel beholden to icons. I’m talking Forest Whitaker as her iron-willed minister father C.L., Marlon Wayans as her controlling and abusive manager-slash-husband Ted White, and Marc Maron as Jerry Wexler, the producer who’s actually committed to letting Aretha be Aretha. Respect gives us a full picture of all the big, often controlling personalities in Aretha’s life, and so it works in painting that picture and in that way it fulfills the promise of its title. If you’re in the mood for that sort of contextualization, you might be satisfied, but don’t expect the house to be brought down the way that Aretha so often did.

Respect is Recommended If You Like: Behind the Music, Deferential covers

Grade: 2.5 out of 5 Chains of Fools

‘The Suicide Squad’ is Silly, Violent, Imaginative, and Easy Enough to Follow

August 4, 2021

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The Suicide Squad (CREDIT: Warner Bros./Screenshot)

Starring: Idris Elba, Margot Robbie, Viola Davis, John Cena, Joel Kinnaman, Sylvester Stallone, Jai Courtney, Peter Capaldi, David Dastmalchian, Daniela Melchior, Michael Rooker, Alice Braga, Pete Davidson, Nathan Fillion, Sean Gunn, Flula Borg, Steve Agee, Storm Reid, Taika Waititi

Director: James Gunn

Running Time: 132 Minutes

Rating: R for Various Body Parts Getting Torn Apart, a Full Roster of Potty Mouths, and a Little Bit of Nudity

Release Date: August 5, 2021 (Theaters and HBO Max)

The Suicide Squad feels like it came from another dimension. It shares a few characters with 2016’s (no “the”) Suicide Squad and has essentially the same premise. It’s ostensibly a sequel to that earlier effort, but it’s effectively a do-over. There are plenty of reboots every year at the multiplex, but rarely do we have such an unabashed mulligan. The multiverse theory posits that there is an infinite number of realities with any number of minor or major variations, and it seems that we’ve somehow been visited by the one in which James Gunn directed a Suicide Squad movie instead of David Ayer. Adding to this surreal state of affairs was the fact that I was in a bit of a fugue state while watching The Suicide Squad. It was a 10:00 AM screening, my first morning trip to a movie theater post-pandemic. My body was confused by the lack of sunlight at the early hour and thus my brain was unsure if it should be waking or dreaming. Either way, heads were always fated to explode.

The Suicide Squad takes a cue from Suicide Squad by having multiple beginnings, but this time it’s a cheeky bit of purposeful misdirection instead of stinky studio manipulation. Suicide squads are famously expendable, and it turns out that there are degrees of expendability, as one squad is introduced with plenty of fanfare only to serve as a diversion. Everyone involved clearly wanted to feature as many characters as possible to essentially say, “Can you believe all of the colorful ridiculousness that has actually appeared in DC Comics?” The team that we spend most of our time with consists of the ever-popular Harley Quinn (Margot Robbie), a couple of sharpshooters (Idris Elba, John Cena), a queen of rodents (Daniela Melchior), and a guy who shoots polka dots out of his mouth (David Dastmalchian). They’re sent to the fictional South American island nation of Corto Maltese for some top secret political meddling, but a date with the fantastical awaits them.

I wasn’t prepared for the Big Bad in The Suicide Squad to be a giant starfish, but that is indeed what awaited me. And quite frankly, I’m glad that that’s what we got. I can take or leave the gleeful over-the-top violence; it’s good for a few laughs, but after a couple of hours, I’m exhausted by the fact that I’m not really meant to care about any of these characters (although a few do manage to find a small place in my heart). So I’m grateful that there’s a surplus of visual imagination to appreciate. Way too many extraterrestrial cinematic CGI creatures of the past 15 years or so are some variation on big bad bugs, so a massive starfish that squirts out hundreds of smaller starfish is a relief. I’d be happy to see Starro rolling around every future corner of the big-screen DC universe, whether or not the reject crew is around.

So in conclusion, if you like kooky superpowers at their absolute kookiest and rats getting their time in the spotlight, you’ll probably have a decent time with the Suicide Squad.

The Suicide Squad is Recommended If You Like: The trailers for 2016’s Suicide Squad, bodily mutilation played for laughs, Mouse Hunt

Grade: 3 out of 5 Rats

Wow, ‘The Green Knight’ Sure Might Knock Your Head Loose

July 28, 2021

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The Green Knight (CREDIT: Eric Zachanowich/A24)

Starring: Dev Patel, Alicia Vikander, Joel Edgerton, Sarita Choudhury, Sean Harris, Kate Dickie, Barry Keoghan, Ralph Ineson, Erin Kellyman

Director: David Lowery

Running Time: 130 Minutes

Rating: R for Violence and a Little Bit of Sex Within a Fantastical Swirl

Release Date: July 30, 2021 (Theaters)

My experience of watching The Green Knight was just moment after moment that had me going, “I was not expecting THAT.” It starts off pretty quickly that way: Sir Gawain (Dev Patel) beheads the Green Knight (Ralph Ineson), but the Green Knight keeps right on talking. I don’t know what I was expecting, but it wasn’t that. If you’re familiar with the source material, this inciting incident won’t be surprising at all, but for the rest of us, it won’t exactly feel telegraphed. Then there’s the fact that this tale takes place around Christmas, which certainly surprised me as well. Although perhaps it shouldn’t have, considering that “green” is in the title and much of the poster is bright red. But other than that, this movie doesn’t feel very Christmas-y. Though I suppose that centuries ago the holiday was celebrated differently. (“Why not have a release date in December instead of July?,” I wonder out loud.)

The poem Sir Gawain and the Green Knight sits at a weird place in terms of cultural recognizability. It’s part of Arthurian legend, which is among the most enduringly popular mythologies in the English language. But this particular tale isn’t typically told in the most well-known adaptations. If you’re a fan of the likes of Camelot, The Sword in the Stone, or Monty Python and the Holy Grail, you might be familiar with the name “Gawain,” but his encounter with a tricky tree-man hybrid could be totally undiscovered. It’s a trip to first encounter it via David Lowery’s highly stylized and uncompromising vision.

I’m willing to bet my sword that anyone who has read Sir Gawain and the Green Knight before seeing this movie also found themselves saying multiple times, “I was not expecting THAT.” (But they would have been saying it while reading.) There’s no way in Camelot that Lowery can take all the credit for every fantastical twist of gamesmanship and illogic. What is the Green Knight’s deal anyway? When he gets beheaded, he insists that Gawain must come find him one year hence to meet a similar fate. Is this a test of honor, and if so, how? I was not expecting that much confusion.

But it kept coming! Was Alicia Vikander playing two different characters? She must have been, as her personalities were so vastly different. I was not expecting such vagueness with her identity. Nor was I expecting an up-close shot of a very intimate moment. The mature themes and capriciousness in a medieval fantasy aren’t surprises in and of themselves, but their presentation in this version were a lot more surreal than I was prepared for. I’m still processing what I’ve witnessed, and I’m not sure that process will ever be complete, but I appreciate the singularity of the vision.

The Green Knight is Recommended If You Like: Embracing the weirdest and most inscrutable elements of mythology

Grade: 3.5 out of 5 Beheadings

Matt Damon Seeks Some Tricky Justice in ‘Stillwater’

July 27, 2021

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Stillwater (CREDIT: Jessica Forde/Focus Features)

Starring: Matt Damon, Abigail Breslin, Camille Cottin, Lilou Siauvaud, Deanna Dunagan

Director: Tom McCarthy

Running Time: 140 Minutes

Rating: R for Language

Release Date: July 30, 2021 (Theaters)

What should you do when the bartender you’re talking to is really helpful but also really racist? That’s the dilemma Bill Baker (Matt Damon) finds himself facing during one of Stillwater‘s most crucial scenes. His daughter Allison (Abigail Breslin) is in a French prison for killing her roommate/girlfriend, something she swears she’s innocent of. She’s got a lead about the real potential perp, though, as she may have encountered him while out drinking the night of the incident. The joint is under new management, but luckily for Bill, the old barkeep just hangs around the place. Less luckily, he doesn’t actually have any useful information, though he is willing to finger whatever Arab youth is under suspicion, as he attempts to ingratiate himself with Bill by positing that France has an Arab problem in much the same way that America has a Mexican problem.

Every conflict at the heart of this film is in full focus at this moment. What are you willing to sacrifice in the name of justice? Can you let go of justice to find peace? Would you trample over someone else’s justice in the pursuit of finding your own? Bill’s French companion Virginie (Camille Cottin) is insistent on leaving once she realizes the extent of the bartender’s prejudice, but for Bill, it’s not quite so simple. He’s met a lot of racists, he’s worked with a lot of racists, and he recognizes that if you want to get certain things done, it can be hard to avoid the racists entirely.

Stillwater is like Taken but if the father didn’t have a particular set of skills. Bill decides to take matters into his own hands when Allison’s lawyer tells him that it’s time for her to accept her fate, but he is way out of his depth. He spends most of the movie terrified of accepting that. He’s been a screwup dad who’s hardly ever been around for Allison, and now that he’s actually committed to being there for her, he can’t process the fact that the best way to do that is to just hang back and be patient. (Spoiler alert: he does not hang back and be patient.)

I’ll tell you one other thing: I did not expect Stillwater to be a charming and affecting love story as well, but it in fact does pull that off. Bill and Virginie couldn’t be more anti-perfect for each other: she’s a French stage actress, while he’s an itinerant blue-collar worker from Oklahoma who’s never set foot inside a theater. But somehow he forges a connection with Virginie’s daughter Maya (Lilou Siauvaud) despite them not having a common language, while he also makes himself essential as their go-to handyman. Against all odds, it’s a picture of domestic bliss, but worn uneasily. This is a probing movie about the challenge of accepting that your fate might be very different than what you expected it to be.

Stillwater is Recommended If You Like: The Amanda Knox trial, Genuine connections forged through a language barrier

Grade: 3.5 out of 5 Suspects

‘Space Jam: A New Legacy’ … But a New Legacy for Whom?

July 26, 2021

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Cartoon LeBron (CREDIT:
Warner Bros. Pictures/YouTube Screenshot)

Starring: LeBron James, Bugs Bunny, Don Cheadle, Sonequa Martin-Green, Cedric Joe, Khris Davis, Ceyair J. Wright, Harper Leigh Alexander, Daffy Duck, Porky Pig, Lola Bunny (Zendaya), Sylvester, Yosemite Sam, Foghorn Leghorn, Elmer Fudd, Marvin the Martian, Tweety Bird, Granny, Speedy Gonzales, Tasmanian Devil, Road Runner, Wile E. Coyote, Jeff Bergman, Eric Bauza, Bob Bergen, Candi Milo, Gabriel Iglesias, Anthony Davis, Diana Taurasi, Klay Thompson, Damian Lillard, Nneka Ogwumike, Ernie Johnson, Lil Rel Howery, Sarah Silverman, Steven Yeun, Harry Potter, Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, King Kong, Ilsa Lund, Austin Powers, Dr. Evil, The Iron Giant

Director: Malcolm D. Lee

Running Time: 115 Minutes

Rating: PG

Release Date: July 16, 2021 (Theaters and HBO Max)

The first Space Jam was unhinged; the second Space Jam is also unhinged, but it could be more unique. Or, it could be more committed to its own singular vision. What reality is it tethered to? Are these the same Looney Tunes from 25 years ago? When we get any sense of continuity, I’m intrigued. As for that journey through the Warner Bros “Server-verse”? Why not just fully commit to it and have Tony Soprano play point guard while the Droogs take up the frontcourt? Look, Al-G Rhythm’s plan makes no sense, LeBron’s conflict with his son makes no sense, the scoring system makes no sense, why not take that nonsense to the nth degree? I believe they could’ve flown blind.

Grade: Where’s the Basketball?* (*Said like the “Where’s the Beef?” Lady)

Who Better to Make Us Feel ‘Old’ Than M. Night Shyamalan?

July 22, 2021

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Old (CREDIT: Universal Pictures)

Starring: Gael García Bernal, Vicky Krieps, Rufus Sewell, Thomasin McKenzie, Alex Wolff, Abbey Lee, Eliza Scanlen, Ken Leung, Nikki Amuka-Bird, Aaron Pierre, Kathleen Chalfant, Emun Elliott, Embeth Davidtz

Director: M. Night Shyamalan

Running Time: 108 Minutes

Rating: PG-13 for Intense, Strange Violence and a Bare Buttcrack Running Into the Ocean

Release Date: July 23, 2021 (Theaters)

After delivering one of the most iconic twist endings of all time in The Sixth Sense, M. Night Shyamalan became straitjacketed by his reputation for the last-second reveal. But now that he’s a little bit older (wink, wink) and wiser, he’s quietly and consistently embraced that reputation. And why not? He truly is one of the all-time masters of the technique, and Old might just be his greatest trick since The Sixth Sense. But Old doesn’t rely on the twist for the entire movie to be effective (which was also the case with his breakthrough film). If the conclusion hadn’t told us what was really happening on this beach that ages people at a rate of about 2 years per hour, I would’ve been disappointed. But I also probably would’ve quickly gotten over that by appreciating everything else there is to offer in this meditation on the passage of time.

Each of the vacationers who find themselves on Old‘s private beach are in situations that are ripe for prompting considerations of mortality. Prisca (Vicky Krieps) has a tumor in her stomach, which is contributing to the troubles with her husband Guy (Gael García Bernal). Charles (Rufus Sewell) is beset by mental illness while attempting to keep both his much younger wife Chrystal (Abbey Lee) and elderly mother Agnes (Kathleen Chalfant) happy. Jarin (Ken Leung) and Patricia (Nikki Amuka-Bird) are trying to enjoy themselves without worrying too much about Patricia’s frequent seizures. Big deal rapper Mid-Sized Sedan (Aaron Pierre) is decompressing from the pressures of fame while also dealing with a blood clotting condition. And on top of all that, we’ve got Prisca and Guy’s two kids and Charles and Chrystal’s daughter running around, which is the perfect formula to make any parent get a little verklempt about how the days are just whizzing by.

So just how would people really react if their lifespans suddenly became overwhelmingly compressed? As Old sees it, their first instinct would be to escape, which is probably why Shyamalan decided to make it nearly impossible for them to do so. As they attempt to make peace – or not – with their doom, their reactions are filled with violence and terror. And of course that’s the case; this is a panicky and desperate crisis, a fabulous escape room of mammoth proportions. But there are also moments of  reflection and tenderness, as the families attempt to make the best of the time they have left with each other.

From the first frame to the last, Old is richly satisfying as both metaphor and thought experiment. The questions it raises are plenty of fun to puzzle out as the characters do so on screen. If our biological ages suddenly become so much older, would we become correspondingly more emotionally and mentally mature? Just what is it that makes us mature when time passes at its normal rate anyway? Life experiences, for sure. And well, there’s a lot of life experience packed into each grain of sand on this beach. And the same is also true of the richest cinema in the world. You’ll probably feel a little older after watching Old, and I bet you’ll be thankful about that.

Old is Recommended If You Like: Feeling both scared and enriched by the passage of time

Grade: 4.5 out of 5 Hours

‘Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins’ is Too Much Origins, Not Enough Random B-Grade Delights

July 22, 2021

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Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins (CREDIT: Ed Araquel/Paramount Pictures/Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer Pictures/Skydance)

Starring: Henry Golding, Andrew Koji, Úrsula Corberó, Samara Weaving, Iko Uwais, Haruka Abe, Takehiro Hira, Peter Mensah

Director: Robert Schwentke

Running Time: 121 Minutes

Rating: PG-13 for Swordplay

Release Date: July 23, 2021 (Theaters)

At one point in Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins*, the titular hero is dropped into a pit where he must face off against some very big and very hungry anacondas. And that’s about the only moment that I understood. Well that, and the other scene with the anacondas. Couldn’t this entire movie have been about Henry Golding fighting snakes? Instead, he and his crew square off against the classic G.I. Joe foe known as Cobra, who I really wish were actual cobras. Now that’s a movie that I would recommend. As it is, though, all I can say is that maybe this will be really fun for G.I. Joe obsessives, but for everyone else, I imagine it will be pretty impenetrable.

(*-It’s a rather unwieldy title, but I’m happy to write out the whole thing to differentiate it from the delightful 1998 Brian De Palma/Nicolas Cage thriller.)

In its bare-bone basics, Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins isn’t too hard to comprehend. It’s a classic origin story, after all: dead parent, living off the grid, training in a foreign country, passing a series of tests to prove warrior bona fides, et cetera, et cetera. In sussing out why I found this so much less compelling than, say, Batman Begins, I determined that it might just have something to do with the amount of time spent on the actual origin of it all. How a hero became a hero in the first place can be interesting, but generally insofar as it provides context for where that hero is headed. And this movie doesn’t really tell us where Snake Eyes is headed, nor do I care to find out.

Anyway, back to those anacondas. They’re absolutely HUGE, in case I didn’t make that clear enough already. If you can  manage to watch only their scenes and then fill out your taxes during the rest of the movie, then I would say go for it. It’s also worth noting that at one point, Cobra is described as employing the tactics of “violence, extortion, and fear,” which is just poetically wonderful. Who knew that such a shadowy collective would focus so much on something as concrete as extortion?

Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins is Recommended If You Like: G.I. Joe lore, I guess?

Grade: 2 out of 5 Dice

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