‘Barbie’ Review: A Doll Discovers the World, and Herself

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Hey, Barbie … wassup! (CREDIT: Warner Bros. Pictures/Screenshot)

Starring: Margot Robbie, Ryan Gosling, Helen Mirren, America Ferrera, Will Ferrell, Ariana Greenblatt, Kate McKinnon, Issa Rae, Hari Nef, Alexandra Shipp, Emma Mackey, Sharon Rooney, Ana Cruz Kayne, Dua Lipa, Nicola Coughlan, Ritu Arya, Marisa Abel, Michael Cera, Kingsley Ben-Adir, Simu Liu, Scott Evans, Ncuti Gatwa, Rob Brydon, John Cena, Rhea Perlman, Jamie Demetriou, Connor Swindells, Emerald Fennell, Ann Roth, Annie Mumolo, Lauren Holt

Director: Greta Gerwig

Running Time: 114 Minutes

Rating: PG-13 for Discussions About Doll Genitals, or Lack Thereof

Release Date: July 21, 2023 (Theaters)

What’s It About?: Barbie has had remarkable staying power. The eternally popular line of dolls represents a sort of perfect womanhood that’s impossible to achieve in real life. But in Barbieland, that perfection is a plain fact. Or so the opening of the 2023 film version of Barbie would have us believe. But that intro also quickly reveals some cracks in the glittery pink feminine utopia. The classic version of the title character, aka “Stereotypical Barbie” (Margot Robbie), is inexplicably starting to ponder her mortality. So she and one of the Kens (Ryan Gosling) head off to the real world to discover where this negative energy is coming from. They get a rude awakening with a very different status quo on Venice Beach, and then they head to Mattel headquarters to meet their makers. If it all works out, our relationship to Barbie and her relationship to us promise to never be the same.

What Made an Impression?: A Thin Line Between Fantasy and Reality: What’s especially striking about the mechanics of Barbie is just how easy it is to travel between Barbieland and the real world. While in the throes of her existential crisis, Stereotypical Barbie seeks counsel with the somewhat outcast Weird Barbie (Kate McKinnon). She’s basically this movie’s Morpheus, but instead of offering a blue or red pill, the choice is between high heels and Birkenstock sandals. Once Stereotypical Barbie opts for the hero’s journey, all she has to do is drive, and soon enough, she’s in sunny Southern California. That ease of transport cuts both ways, as the only requirement to travel into Barbieland appears to just be rollerblades. It’s a wonder there hasn’t been more interaction between worlds before this point! But maybe there actually has been. Indeed, the Mattel employees refer to some previous similar incidents, and while Barbie’s fish-out-of-water routine leads to some assumptions that she’s mentally unwell, the ultimate conclusion is that it’s perfectly reasonable that a flesh-and-bones version of this classic doll would appear eventually.
A Thorough Education: I’m not one to always advocate for the primacy of Showing over Telling, as there are times when exposition is perfectly satisfying. But Barbie does lean a little hard on the Telling side of the equation and ends up a bit in Didactic territory. Characters spell out simple emotions that they’re experiencing for the first time, with a bluntness that threatens to rip away all of the magic. There’s ultimately a similarly blunt conflict that I found surprising, though perhaps I should have seen it coming. When the main Ken encounters the patriarchal systems of the real world, he excitedly smuggles those ideas into Barbieland and transforms the dreamhouses into mancaves with no resistance from the suddenly hypnotized Barbies. Masculine insecurity becomes the enemy perhaps too simplistically, although I do appreciate the fact that Ken thought the patriarchy was actually about horses. That cluelessness is an ace in the hole, while the chauvinism is more run-of-the-mill.
That Mattel Magic: While the title and so much of the dialogue squeals “Barbie!,” the heart of the movie can actually be found in some of the more human characters. To wit: the Mattel office, which initially appears to be as stiflingly patriarchal as the Kens eventually become. And it certainly is in one respect, as all of the top executives are men in suits making decisions about what’s best for girls and women. But it’s a little more complicated than that. Led by Will Ferrell in his most eager-to-please form as the CEO, their core motivation is to genuinely provide the world with the best possible version of Barbie. They embrace the fun and frothiness and rollerblading of it all in a way that I can only hope is true of all toy executives.
But the crux of the narrative lies with America Ferrera as Gloria, the CEO’s assistant, as well as her tween daughter Sasha (Ariana Greenblatt). Whereas Sasha views Barbie as the source of all of the unrealistic expectations heaped on women, Gloria can’t help but hold on to a girly fantasy world. But if Barbie is to still mean anything to Gloria (and by extension everyone) else in 2023, then she needs to embrace the anxiety-inducing messiness of life. Barbie the Movie invites viewers to adapt Barbie the Concept into whatever version they need at whatever particular moment they’re going through. It may be a little frightening to have that lesson centered around a corporate product, but it’s what we’ve got in the culture.

Barbie is Recommended If You Like: The Lego Movie, Rollerblading, eBay-focused nostalgia

Grade: 3.5 out of 5 Dreamhouses

‘Fast X’ Asks If This Can Really Last Forever

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Family (CREDIT: Peter Mountain/Universal Pictures)

Starring: Vin Diesel, Michelle Rodriguez, Jason Momoa, Tyrese Gibson, Chris “Ludacris” Bridges, Sung Kang, Nathalie Emmanuel, John Cena, Jordana Brewster, Brie Larson, Alan Ritchson, Jason Statham, Daniela Melchior, Leo Abelo Perry, Scott Eastwood, Charlize Theron, Helen Mirren, Rita Moreno

Director: Louis Leterrier

Running Time: 141 Minutes

Rating: PG-13 for Flying Cars and Bullets

Release Date: May 19, 2023 (Theaters)

What’s It About?: We’re ten* films deep now in the Fast & Furious franchise (eleven if you count the spinoff), and things are getting pretty X-treme! Of course, you might well reasonably note that extremity was this series’ m.o. from the very beginning. But this is the first time that an “X” actually managed to sneak its way into the title. And that’s not the only unique bit of business. Usually these movies are pretty self-contained, and the plot is generally besides the point, but Fast X calls back directly to a previous adventure. Luckily for anyone who needs a refresher, there are plenty of flashbacks to Fast Five, when Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) and his crew pulled off a heist in Brazil against drug lord Hernan Reyes. Now Hernan’s eccentric and sadistic son Dante (Jason Momoa) is out for revenge. He prefers to make his victims suffer, and for someone who values family as much as Dom, there are innumerable ways to poke at that nerve.

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‘Shazam! Fury of the Gods’ Did Not Make Me Furious, At the Very Least

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Look at how furious Shazam is! (CREDIT:
Warner Bros. Pictures/Screenshot)

Starring: Zachary Levi, Asher Angel, Jack Dylan Grazer, Adam Brody, Helen Mirren, Lucy Liu, Rachel Zegler, Ross Butler, Ian Chen, D.J. Cotrona, Jovan Armand, Grace Caroline Currey, Meagan Good, Faithe Herman, Djimon Hounsou, Marta Milans, Cooper Andrews

Director: David F. Sandberg

Running Time: 130 Minutes

Rating: PG-13

Release Date: March 17, 2023 (Theaters)

Shazam! Fury of the Gods reminded me of Wonder Woman 1984, both in terms of how it makes risky storytelling decisions, and also in terms of how Wonder Woman is in it. In the case of the WW follow-up, it was kind of inexplicable compared to the first outing. But in the case of the lightning bolt boy, the darkly kooky vibe was absolutely called for and precedented, it just didn’t work as well as it did the first time. But I’m still glad I watched it!

Grade: A Sort-Of Unicorn

‘F9’ Goes Full Looney Tunes

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F9: Explosion (CREDIT: YouTube Screenshot)

Starring: Vin Diesel, Michelle Rodriguez, Jordana Brewster, Tyrese Gibson, Chris “Ludacris” Bridges, Nathalie Emmanuel, John Cena, Sung Kang, Charlize Theron, Vinnie Bennett, Finn Cole, J.D. Pardo, Michael Rooker, Lucas Black, Shad Moss, Jason Tobin, Kurt Russell, Helen Mirren

Director: Justin Lin

Running Time: 145 Minutes

Rating: PG-13 for The Usual Cascade of Absurd Action

Release Date: June 25, 2021 (Theaters)

F9 is easily the silliest of the Fast & Furious series, which is saying something for a franchise that already went up to 11 and beyond on the Over-the-Top Scale at least four movies ago. It’s not the level of ambition that’s different so much as the tenor. The main attraction of Fast Five through Furious 7 was how technically brilliant the stunts were; this time it’s all about how they could fit right in with something out of Bugs Bunny and company. Roman (Tyrese) and Tej (Ludacris) definitely have a Wile E. Coyote/Roadrunner vibe. (Which one is which depends on any given moment.) Another apt comparison: Muppet Labs’ Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and his assistant Beaker. (Once again, the roles can flip-flop depending on the situation.)

So here’s the deal this time around: Dom has a brother that we’ve never seen before! Also, the gang goes to space! How did the former remain a secret for so long? Ehh, don’t worry about it, they’ll figure out a way. It doesn’t matter if it makes sense or not. Did you hear the part I just mentioned about space? This series, and this entry in particular, doesn’t really concern itself with what’s probable. Well, actually I kind of take that back, as it actually does concern itself with probability, but only in terms of playing lip service to the concept. To wit: there’s a running bit in which Roman, Tej, and Ramsey (Nathalie Emmanuel) ponder if they’re something akin to invincible superheroes. The movie doesn’t actually say that they are, but it doesn’t not say that either.

What’s also making me feel good with F9 is the Tokyo Drift reunion. What had previously seemed like the ugly stepchild in the franchise and what I had originally pegged as a potential so-bad-it’s-good contender has instead evolved into something resembling a cult classic full of hidden treasures. Sung Kang has already returned as Han multiple times, and the trailer has already spoiled that he’s back from the dead for this go-round. But on top of that, we’ve also got Lucas Black, Jason Tobin, and Shad “Bow Wow” Moss back in action. They’re not drifting their rides this time around, but they are more explosive than ever. Remember that Muppet Labs comparison. This is a trio of Bunsen Honeydews right here. Also of note: with appearances by Frog and Robopine, I believe this is the first Fast & Furious movie to feature two (2) Masked Singer alums.

I haven’t talked too much about John Cena showing up and wreaking havoc as Dom’s long-lost brother Jakob, or Jordana Brewster as their sister Mia getting back in the swing of things after skipping the last chapter, even though that is of course the main storyline. And well, that’s because, we all know how this story goes: something threatens the stability of the family, and then crazy stunts are pulled off all over the globe in the name of strengthening the family’s core and opening up that family to new members. I don’t worry too much about the villainy, because nobody stays a villain for very long in this universe. As long as there are enough silly shenanigans going on in the margins – and in the most important moments – then we’re good to go.

F9 is Recommended If You Like: Fast Five, Tokyo Drift, Violent kid-friendly cartoons

Grade: 3.5 out of 5 Electromagnets

Entertainment To-Do List: Week of 6/18/21

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Kevin Can F*** Himself (CREDIT: Jojo Whilden/AMC)

Every week, I list all the upcoming (or recently released) movies, TV shows, albums, podcasts, etc. that I believe are worth checking out.

Movies
Luca (June 18 on Disney+)
Rita Moreno: Just a Girl Who Decided to Go for It (Theaters)
The Sparks Brothers (Theaters)

TV
Physical Series Premiere (June 18 on Apple TV+) – Rose Byrne gets into 80s aerobics.
Evil Season 2 Premiere (June 20 on Paramount+)
Kevin Can F*** Himself Series Premiere (June 23 on AMC) – Annie Murphy hates sitcom clichés.
Rick and Morty Season 5 Premiere (June 20 on Adult Swim)
College Bowl Reboot Premiere (June 22 on NBC) – Peyton Manning hosts.
Card Sharks Season Premiere (June 23 on ABC)
Conan Series Finale (June 24 on TBS) – Headed to HBO Max.
The Good Fight Season 5 Premiere (June 24 on Paramount+)
RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars Season 6 Premiere (June 24 on Paramount+)
When Nature Calls with Helen Mirren (June 24 on ABC) – Something with animals.

Music
-H.E.R., Back of My Mind

In ‘The Good Liar,’ Ian McKellen and Helen Mirren Bring Their Own Violent Spin to the Con Artist Game

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CREDIT: Warner Bros.

Starring: Ian McKellen, Helen Mirren, Russell Tovey, Jim Carter

Director: Bill Condon

Running Time: 110 Minutes

Rating: R for Shocking Old Person-on-Old Person Violence and a Quick Walk Through a Strip Club

Release Date: November 15, 2019

As Ian McKellen meets up with Helen Mirren for a first date and they complain about the “computer service” and its supposed reputation for “mismatching the delusional with the hopeless,” it’s a good bet that The Good Liar isn’t just a simple septua/octogenarian rom-com. Even if you didn’t know going in that this was a thriller, the smoking hot, fine-tuned wit would tip you off that something deeper and more sinister, is going on. And sure enough, as Ray Courtnay (McKellen) and Betty McLeish (Mirren) continue going out together, Ray is also busy with his business partner Vincent (Jim Carter) on a grift worth hundreds of thousands of dollars. You very quickly get the sense that pretty much everyone in Ray’s life is a target of his cons, and each act in the film gives a new clue of the lifelong layers of his false identities. All of this should seemingly have us very worried for Betty.

But if you are like me, you were never seriously concerned that she would be the ultimate victim, considering that she is played by the indomitable Helen Mirren and con artist films so often turn on a reversal of fortune. So the fact that Betty pulls one over on the most frighteningly masterful deceiver should come as no shock. The joy is in the details of beholding her playing her part so perfectly and the final revelation of just why she is the one who would want to turn the tables (a date to see Inglourious Basterds is an early hint). No punches are pulled as we learn the truth, which transcends just Ray and Betty’s story and touches upon all of Europe reckoning with its violent past. Ray is the kind of man who doesn’t think twice about killing someone to protect himself and then slip away undetected. Betty’s story is about ensuring that all-too-common terrible legacy finally catches up to him.

And as one last important note, I must mention the tablets that Ray and Vincent use to transfer funds in the deployment of their grifts. These things are hilariously bulky, looking more like giant calculators (with conveniently large-print text for the senior set) instead of any familiar twenty-first century gizmo. Perhaps these really are what people with bank accounts worth millions of dollars actually do use to make convenient transfers at home and on the go. And it’s not like there was ever any way to make pushing buttons on these tablets look particularly cinematic. Honestly, though, I’m not complaining. It’s not like these moments demand to be visually seamless. These tablets certainly aren’t part of the mental picture I have for big-time con artists, but I often enjoy it when my expectations are confounded.

The Good Liar is Recommended If You Like: Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, The Remains of the Day, The Debt

Grade: 3.75 out of 5 False Identities

Movie Review: ‘Hobbs & Shaw’ is Surprisingly Goofy, Unsurprisingly Family-Oriented, and Annoyingly Convoluted

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CREDIT: Frank Masi/Universal Pictures

Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Jason Statham, Idris Elba, Vanessa Kirby, Eddie Marsan, Eiza González, Helen Mirren

Director: David Leitch

Running Time: 136 Minutes

Rating: PG-13 for Big Vehicles and Big Egos Slamming Into Each Other

Release Date: August 2, 2019

Spin-offs should offer something that the original couldn’t. Hobbs & Shaw immediately feels off in that regard, considering that Luke Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson) and Deckard Shaw (Jason Statham) have already been a couple of the biggest characters in the last few Fast & Furious movies. Although, they aren’t quite members of the core family, so that leaves them enough wiggle room to break out on their own. But it can’t be too different! This franchise has a sterling stunt reputation it needs to maintain, and while director David Leitch and company do not try to be as relentlessly mind-blowing as Fast Five or Furious 7, there is at least one memorable moment when a motorcycle slinks between some truck tires.

The separation, then, mostly comes in Hobbs & Shaw being at its core an odd couple buddy comedy, and in this case, that means a few celebrity cameos who inject their own particular brands of impishness. These moments feel out of place in this world, but they might also be the best parts? Their charms cannot be denied. Honestly, though, I think we would have been better off spending more time with Hobbs’ daughter (Eliana Sua), as her scenes are both delightful AND internally consistent.

As wonderfully corny as Hobbs & Shaw is willing to be, it can’t change the fact that most of the plot is convoluted high-tech, globetrotting nonsense. Idris Elba is the cybernetically enhanced big bad, and we get a few genuinely disturbing shots of how he is becoming a superhuman or something beyond human. There is a hint of a larger conspiracy at play here, but only a hint. Meanwhile Vanessa Kirby plays Deckard’s sister Hattie, an MI6 agent who has been infected with a virus that’s going to kill her and apparently everyone around her also. The explanation for how the virus is supposed to spread is either glossed over or not emphasized enough, which is a problem because the race to cure Hattie is what drives most of the action.

Thankfully, the reward for dithering through all that is a surefire demonstration that we must, in true F&F fashion, celebrate the importance of family. It’s not as flat-out heartwarming as the series proper, but Hobbs takes us all along to Samoa to meet his mom and brothers, and Helen Mirren totally rocks her prison jumpsuit in her return as Mama Shaw. I could do without all the derivative action flick gobbledygook, but I’m grateful for the good vibes.

Hobbs & Shaw is Recommended If You Like: James Bond, but with a goofy postmodern (though not quite parody) sensibility

Grade: 3 out of 5 Friendy Insults

Wild and Crazy Movie Review: Anna

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CREDIT: Shanna Besson

Luc Besson’s Anna features the most time-establishing title cards I have ever seen in one movie. We jump five years ahead only to ten minutes later skip back three years back (i.e., two years after when we began.) Do you think we skipped something important by shooting forward six months? It turns out you’re right, so let’s return to three months ago. This at first feels like self-parody (possibly intentional, possibly not), but it ultimately all slots everything into place and becomes the jigsaw puzzle construction that ensures this film’s modest pleasures come into focus. We needed some sort of experimentation to liven up this otherwise straightforward take on yet another “poor Soviet village girl self-actualizes by becoming a KGB spy/double agent/triple agent,” which there probably aren’t that many examples of, although it feels like there’s a ton. It’s that whirligig approach that makes Anna fun enough. Also, it features montages set to “Pump Up the Jam” and “Need You Tonight,” which is hardly groundbreaking but plenty welcome.

I give Anna 30 Helen Mirren Cigarette Drags out of 50 Helen Mirren Russian-Accented Sick Burns.

This Is a Movie Review: I Have No Idea How to Make Sense of ‘The Nutcracker and the Four Realms,’ But At Least It’s Vaguely Enjoyable

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CREDIT: Laurie Sparham/Disney Enterprises

This review was originally posted on News Cult in November 2018.

Starring: Mackenzie Foy, Keira Knightley, Matthew Macfadyen, Eugenio Derbez, Richard E. Grant, Helen Mirren, Morgan Freeman, Misty Copeland

Directors: Lasse Hallström and Joe Johnston

Running Time: 99 Minutes

Rating: PG for Mildly Scary Rodents

Release Date: November 2, 2018

In The Nutcracker and the Four Realms, Mr. Stahlbaum’s (Matthew Macfayden) wife has recently passed away, so now he wants to make sure that he and his children are able to keep it together. What does he believe is the best way to do so? Why, dancing, of course! They head off to a Christmas ball, where he insists to his headstrong daughter Clara (Mackenzie Foy) that she must save one dance for him. When they arrive, she has no interest in dancing, but by the end, the entire Stahlbaum family is dancing together. How does she end up changing her mind? I guess it must have something to do with her impromptu journey through a magical, Narnia-like realm, but I’m not sure show. This movie resembles a hero’s journey in which lessons are learned, but it is not particularly clear what those lessons are, beyond the simple “be brave” and “appearances can be deceiving.” But regardless, Mr. Stahlbaum’s wish for dancing is fulfilled, so … mission accomplished?

Beyond Clara’s internal fortitude, the main potential attraction in the Four Realms is Keira Knightley’s weirdly affected performance as the Sugar Plum Fairy. As one of the leaders of the realms, she sounds like a body snatcher doing an impression of a ditzy supermodel. She speaks in baby-talk neologisms that make her sound like a character from Rugrats. The way she says “Oh, poo” is transcendent.

Basically, what it boils down to is this: I have no idea how closely this film resembles the original 1816 short story, and I do not care to look it up. (I’m guessing the plot doesn’t matter all that much in the ballet.) The Nutcracker and the Four Realms lacks a sense of of clear purpose and meaning and comes with a psychedelic edge that often goes along with misbegotten fantasy family movies. I would not expect such a surreal flavor from either of its co-directors (Lasse Hallström and Joe Johnston), but accidental surrealism is often the best surrealism.

The Nutcracker and the Four Realms is Recommended If You Like: I have absolutely no clue.

Grade: 3 out of 5 Mice

This Is a Movie Review: ‘Winchester’ Fails to Explore Its Premise by Visiting Very Few Rooms in Its Vast Haunted Mansion

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CREDIT: Ben King/CBS Films

This review was originally posted on News Cult in February 2018.

Starring: Helen Mirren, Jason Clarke, Sarah Snook, Finn Scicluna O’Prey, Angus Sampson, Eamon Farren

Directors: Peter and Michael Spierig

Running Time: 99 Minutes

Rating: PG-13 for Gunfire, Creepy Contact Lenses, and a Very PG-13 Moment of Nighttime Companionship

Release Date: February 2, 2018

When a truly original idea arrives in horror, you’ve got to hold on to it tight. Winchester has quite a unique and intriguing premise, but you would not be able to tell from the execution. Inspired by true events, it is a haunted house tale that takes place in, as one character adroitly puts it, “a house under neverending construction built on the orders of a grieving widow.” But the film never takes full advantage of all that lurks within the title abode.

Sarah Winchester (Helen Mirren, fully embodying gothic haute couture) is the heiress to her late husband’s eponymous arms company, and Winchester’s plot is set in motion when Dr. Eric Price (Jason Clarke) is asked to evaluate her mental fitness and therefore capability to continue overseeing the company. Her fellow executives and shareholders have their doubts because of her obsession with endlessly adding more rooms to her mansion, which she is doing to contain the spirits of the many haunted souls who have been killed by Winchester firearms.

There is a perfect opportunity with this setup for a face-off between skepticism and belief in the supernatural. But instead, the existence of the ghosts is pretty much never in question, and no character expresses significant skepticism (nor indeed do they have any reason to). That is not necessarily a big loss, though, as the house itself allows plenty of opportunities no matter what the status of the ghosts. With construction having no master plan or endpoint, the mansion could be the most disorienting maze ever. But the film barely takes advantage of that spatial horror.

I do not mean to tell Winchester what sort of film it must be, but I do mean to express disappointment when what it chooses to be is so indistinct. Forgoing the more challenging haunts that it hints at, it instead is a run-of-the-mill possession and revenge story, with Sarah’s great nephew (Finn Scicluna O’Prey) doing his best creepy kid performance, rendering “Beautiful Dreamer” the stuff of nightmares. He is being influenced by the ghost of a Civil War veteran (Eamon Farren) who is predictably defeated in a final standoff, and then everyone moves on with their lives, the evil contained, for now at least.

Directors Michael and Peter Spierig (who previously worked with Winchester’s Sarah Snook on the twisty, heady Robert Heinlein adaptation Predestination) have a few tricks up their sleeve, holding on a shot just long enough for it to be unnerving when an arm suddenly bursts through a previously hidden opening. But overall they never develop a firm grasp on the jump scares or the slow burns, and they do not seem to be particularly committed to either. Plus, the underlying message of what constitutes terror in this story – something about fear being only in the mind – does not jibe with what is actually happening.

Winchester is Recommended If You Like: The Woman in Black, Helen Mirren in Period Clothing

Grade: 2 out of 5 Rifles

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